Dear Therapist,
I’ve been reading about the Four Horsemen from The Gottman Method, and I really want to improve how I show up in my relationship. But honestly, it’s hard to catch myself in the moment. Sometimes it feels like I only realize I was critical or defensive after the fact. Do you have advice on how to recognize these patterns in everyday life, and how to actually use the antidotes, especially when it’s hard or I’m upset?
Sincerely,
Trying to do better
**************
Dear Trying,
First of all, thank you for your honesty. You are absolutely not alone. Recognizing the Four Horsemen in real time is one of the most challenging (and growth-producing) parts of relationship work. It takes self-awareness, practice, and a good dose of compassion for yourself and your partner.
Let’s talk about how to spot these Four Horsemen communication patterns in everyday situations—and more importantly, how to interrupt them with the antidotes, even when it feels awkward, uncomfortable, or difficult.
Step One: Know what the Four Horsemen actually look and sound like in real life
It’s easy to assume the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) are obvious, but they’re often subtle and sneaky. They show up in the small, everyday moments—often very quickly, too. Here’s how they might appear in real-life situations:
Criticism
Criticism is blaming a problem on a personality flaw in your partner. It goes beyond a complaint—it’s an attack on character.
Examples:
- “Ugh! Why do you always leave your dishes in the sink?”
- “Is that really what you’re going to wear to the wedding? ”
- “If you weren’t so obsessed with work, maybe you’d be closer with the kids.”
Antidote: Gentle Start-Up
The Gentle Start-Up is about expressing your own feelings and needs without blame. A gentle start-up increases your chances of being heard.
Try instead:
- “I feel overwhelmed when I come home to a messy kitchen. Could we make a plan for dishes?”
- “I feel really disconnected these days and need for you to be more present when I am sharing my feelings. That’s really important to me.”
- “I feel sad when the kids and I don’t get to spend time with you. Can we work to find more quality family time? We miss you.”
Contempt
Contempt is verbally attacking your partner through name-calling, sarcasm, mockery, and putdowns from a place of superiority. Even eye-rolling counts. Contempt is often passive-aggressive and dismissive of your partner’s feelings.
Examples:
- “Wow, it must be nice to relax while I do everything.” (sarcastic)
- “You’re being ridiculous. Grow up.”
- “Why are you still crying about that? Just get over it already.”
Antidote: Building a culture of appreciation
Building a culture of appreciation is a proactive antidote that helps you focus on the positive. This antidote is about working daily to find ways to express gratitude, fondness, appreciation, respect, and empathy.
Try instead:
- “I know we’re both tired—thank you for taking care of bedtime last night. Can we talk about how to divide things up tonight?”
- “It has been really stressful around here lately, and I notice that when I see you are stressed or upset I start to get overwhelmed. Can we work on some ways to better manage the stress together?”
- “When you cry I feel unsure of what to do. I want to respect your feelings, but I also want you to feel better. How can I help when that happens again?
Pro tip: If you find contempt bubbling to the surface, express your feelings instead of pointing out what you feel is wrong with your partner’s behavior.
For example, instead of saying “God, I am doing everything around here and you’re just oblivious.” Try, ” Hey, I’m feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by all the chores we have to get done and could really use your help right now.”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness involves denying personal responsibility for a problem by either playing the victim or counterattacking.
Examples:
- “I’m not the problem here. You are!”
- “Well, maybe I forgot, but you forgot last week!”
- “ I guess I am just the worst husband/wife ever for not finishing the dishes.”
Antidote: Take responsibility (even partially)
It’s important to note that taking responsibility is not the same thing as taking the blame. Owning your part softens the interaction and moves you toward repair and connection.
Try instead:
- “You’re right. I forgot to call the plumber. I’ll take care of it today.”
- “ Oops! I completely forgot to finish the dishes last night. I got distracted. I’ll work on them now before I head to work.”
- “I know I raised my voice at you, and that made our fight worse. I’m sorry. I’ll work on that.”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling is shutting down—no talking or signals that you’re listening.
Examples:
- Crossing your arms and looking at anything but your partner when they are speaking.
- Playing on your phone when your partner is expressing something to you.
- Walking away mid-conversation without communicating.
Antidote: Self-Soothing
If you start to shut down and tune out your partner, it’s a sign that you’re stonewalling and likely need a break.
Try instead:
- “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we take a short break and come back to this in 20 minutes?”
- “I feel myself wanting to shut down and I don’t want to do that. Can we try to speak more calmly?”
- “ I think I need some space for a little bit. Can we talk after the kids go to bed?”
Pro tip: Chances are, if you are stonewalling our partner (or engaging in any of the Four Horsemen), you are likely emotionally flooded. This is your body’s fight-flight-freeze response getting activated. And when you continue to use the Four Horsemen as a means to communicate, your brain is no longer able to engage rationally. Then you can easily go into self-protection mode, leaving very little to no room for repair. Here’s more on how to recognize signs of flooding and what to do.
Step Two: Look for “micro-moments” where the Horsemen creep in
You don’t need a major argument to practice how to handle the Four Horsemen. These patterns show up in small daily moments when emotional reactivity creeps in:
- When you’re running late and snap in frustration at your partner’s pace
- When your partner expresses disappointment when the chores they asked you to help with did not get done
- When you feel underappreciated and let sarcasm slip
Learning to recognize these micro-moments gives you an opening to choose a different path.
Pro tip: Notice your body.
Do you feel your shoulders tense, your jaw tighten, or your tone shift? That’s often your cue that a Horseman is nearby. Our body sends us messages and signals all the time. It’s important to pay attention to these signals, especially in conflict, as they help us recognize when we need to de-escalate and take a break.
Step Three: Rewire your default (even if you miss the moment)
Using the antidotes doesn’t mean being perfect in the heat of every moment. It means being willing to circle back and try again. You can repair it afterwards.
Examples:
- “I realize I came in pretty hot earlier. Can I try that again more calmly?”
- “I didn’t mean to be sarcastic. What I really wanted to say is that I feel overwhelmed.”
When you repair in this way, you’re still using the antidotes—you’re just applying them retroactively, and that still builds trust.
But what if it feels too hard in the moment?
That’s totally normal. When you’re emotionally flooded, it can feel nearly impossible to use the Four Horesemen antidotes. That’s why it helps to practice outside of conflict.
Here are some things that help:
- Create a pause word with your partner for when conflict is escalating (“red flag,” “reset,” or “can we pause?”).
- Name the pattern out loud. Sometimes it’s helpful for couples to be able to name the interaction out loud to course correct: “I feel some of our old habits coming up. Is it okay if we try this again?”
- Breathe and ground yourself when tensions rise. Inhale/exhale for a count of four before responding.
- Don’t wait for the perfect moment to use the antidotes. The Horsemen tend to creep up during the most inconvenient times (e.g., when the kids are around, when you’re out socially, when you are in the middle of 100 things). Use the skills even when it feels clunky.
- Learning these skills is like learning a new language. Fluency comes through practice, especially in the tough moments.
Final thoughts: Progress over perfection
Even the healthiest couples encounter conflict. But what sets these couples apart is their commitment to protecting the connection, even in tough moments.
If you’re aware of the Four Horsemen and their antidotes but find it hard to use them, you’re not alone. Change takes time, and many couples benefit from repetition and extra support.
Avoiding this work can come at a cost—like eroded trust and lost emotional safety. But every attempt you make to shift how you speak and respond matters.
So keep at it. Keep showing up. Even small, consistent shifts in how you speak and respond can lead to meaningful changes in the way you communicate.
Warmly,
Kelsee White, LMFT
P.S. If you’re looking for a place to practice these skills in real time, our team offers both individual couples sessions and retreats focused on communication.
We offer in-person therapy in Charlotte, NC and Carefree, AZ, and virtual therapy for residents of Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, and Vermont. Get started today.
FAQ: Combatting the Four Horsemen in daily life
Q: What if I miss my body cues and only see I messed up later?
A: That’s OK! Use the repair strategy: address it later with clarity and empathy.
Q: How often do couples need to practice these skills?
A: Even once a week in small moments builds habit; you don’t need perfection.
Q: Can these strategies replace marriage counseling?
A: While powerful, they work best alongside therapy or a couples intensive—where you get guided practice and support.