Dear Therapist,
I’m confused about why my partner has such a hard time trusting me. As far as I can tell, I haven’t done anything major to break their trust. I’ve never cheated, struggled with addiction, stolen money, or done anything like that. We have arguments and times when we feel disconnected, just like any other couple, but nothing major has happened in our relationship that I can point to as a reason for this ongoing struggle with trust.
I know no relationship is perfect, and I’m sure I’ve let my partner down at times. Sometimes it feels like my partner is just waiting for me to do something wrong, even when I don’t think I’ve given them a reason to feel that way. I want my partner to feel secure with me, but I’m not sure what I’m missing or what I’m supposed to do differently. Can trust really break down when there hasn’t been a major breach or betrayal?
Sincerely,
Feeling Confused
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Dear Feeling Confused,
It makes sense that you would feel confused and even frustrated when your partner expresses a lack of trust, particularly when you can’t trace back to a major betrayal. When we think about trust in relationships, we often think of significant events like infidelity, addiction, or financial betrayal. Trust is about so much more than the absence of those events. According to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, trust is built and maintained through the small, everyday interactions that shape how safe, supported, and valued we feel with our partner.
In his book What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, Gottman explores how trust can erode even when there hasn’t been a major betrayal. He describes how everyday patterns of disconnection, broken commitments, lack of consideration, and emotional unavailability can gradually undermine a partner’s sense of security in the relationship. In other words, trust isn’t merely about whether your partner believes you will be faithful. Trust is also about whether your partner believes they can count on you to consider their feelings, follow through on your word, and show up when they need you.
Common trust breakdowns outside of major betrayals
Here are some common examples of breakdowns in trust outside of major betrayals like an affair or major lie:
- Emotional abandonment: Your partner is distressed, but you consistently dismiss their feelings or leave them to manage difficult experiences alone.
- Broken commitments: You repeatedly promise to do something and fail to follow through, leaving your partner feeling unable to depend on you.
- Lack of consideration: You make decisions that affect both of you without meaningfully considering your partner’s needs or perspective.
- Lack of support: Your partner feels alone during difficult times because you are unavailable, disengaged, or unwilling to help.
- Divided loyalty: You repeatedly prioritize friends, family members, work, or your own comfort over the needs of your relationship.
- Dishonesty or withholding information: You conceal information that would reasonably matter to your partner or affect their ability to make informed decisions about the relationship.
Why trust can erode without a major betrayal
In my work with couples, I sometimes see a disconnect between what one partner considers a breach of trust and what the other partner experiences as a reason not to trust. One partner may think of betrayal in terms of major events, such as infidelity, addiction, or significant dishonesty. If none of these things have happened, they may genuinely struggle to understand why their partner continues to question their reliability or commitment to the relationship.
But trust can be affected by more than major betrayals. Sometimes, it erodes gradually through repeated experiences of feeling dismissed or overlooked. A partner may feel they cannot depend on the other to follow through on commitments or show up emotionally during difficult times. They may feel that work, family, or other priorities consistently take precedence over the relationship, or that important information gets withheld.
What trust erosion can look like in real life
Here is an anonymized case example from my work in session.
Sarah and Mark came to therapy feeling disconnected, with Sarah expressing that she no longer felt she could count on Mark. She often felt second to Mark’s business. For example, Mark had missed important family events because of work, frequently took calls or responded to emails during their time together, and was often distracted when Sarah tried to talk about something stressful or important. When Sarah had a difficult day or needed emotional support, she sometimes felt Mark was too preoccupied with work to be fully present.
While Mark viewed these choices as necessary responsibilities of owning a business, Sarah experienced them as repeated reminders that their relationship and her needs came second. Over time, these experiences left her feeling increasingly unsupported and less confident that she could rely on Mark when she needed him.
These individual experiences may not seem like betrayals, particularly if there was no intention to cause harm. But over time, these in-the-moment disappointments left Sarah questioning if she could really rely on Mark to be there for her. In other words, the underlying concern is often less about one specific behavior and more about what that behavior seems to communicate:
This broader view of trust can help couples look beyond whether a major betrayal has occurred and explore the everyday experiences that may be contributing to their disconnect.
Is the distrust about our relationship or my partner’s past?
At this point, you may be wondering: Is the mistrust really coming from what has happened only within our relationship, or could it be connected to something from the past? It can be one or the other, or both. It can be tempting to assume that mistrust must come from an old wound, perhaps a partner who grew up feeling unable to rely on their caregivers and now longs for that security in their romantic relationship. But I caution couples against being too quick to explain away their partner’s concerns as a “past issue,” as this can feel like another experience of emotional dismissal.
What matters more is how you respond when your partner expresses a need for reassurance, support, or connection. Showing up consistently and responding differently in those moments can help create what Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) calls a corrective emotional experience: a new experience of being heard, supported, and able to rely on your partner.
How trust is built in small, everyday moments
One of the things I encourage couples to consider is how trust is shaped by their everyday interactions. Gottman refers to these opportunities for connection as sliding door moments — the small instances when we have a choice to turn toward our partner or turn away.
For example, imagine your partner comes home after a difficult day and shares something that has been weighing on them. You might pause what you’re doing, ask questions, and genuinely try to understand their experience. Or you might respond quickly while distracted, change the subject, or suggest they’re overreacting. None of these responses alone determines the strength of a relationship. But when one partner repeatedly reaches for connection and feels brushed aside, it can become harder to feel emotionally secure with the other person.
I see similar patterns when couples navigate conflict. One partner expresses hurt, and the other immediately explains why they shouldn’t feel that way. Another may ask for help, but the request is repeatedly forgotten or dismissed. Or maybe your partner tried to discuss a concern, but the conversation quickly shifts toward defending intentions rather than understanding the impact.
Over time, these interactions can create a painful cycle. One partner becomes increasingly sensitive to feeling dismissed or unsupported, while the other becomes frustrated that their efforts or intentions aren’t being recognized. Both may feel misunderstood, and neither may fully understand how they got there.
Nobody responds perfectly to each bid for connection or is available every moment of the day. Building trust means showing up for one another consistently and repairing the disconnect when you fall short.
Sometimes we notice a disconnect in the moment and can repair it right away. Other times, it takes a little while to recognize what happened—or our partner may need to point it out. However that realization comes, repair is an important part of rebuilding trust.
Thinking back to Sarah and Mark, Mark might recognize that he was short with Sarah while distracted by a work email as she was sharing about a difficult day. He could repair by saying:
“Hey, I’m sorry I was short with you earlier. I was distracted, and I know you were trying to tell me something important. I’m here now, and I want to hear about what happened.”
Trust requires understanding, not agreement
Another important part of building trust is learning to listen to your partner’s experience without assuming that understanding it means agreeing with every detail.
In couples therapy, I often see partners get caught in a debate about whose perspective is correct. We call this a perspective battle. One partner might say, “I feel like I’m carrying most of the responsibility at home,” only to hear, “That’s not fair. I do plenty around here.” The conversation quickly becomes about proving who is right rather than understanding why one partner feels overwhelmed.
What if the response were instead, “I didn’t realize you were feeling that way. Can you help me understand what’s been feeling hardest lately?”
The listening partner can still disagree with parts of the complaint. This response creates space to understand their partner’s experience before defending their own. This kind of emotional attunement, which Gottman discusses in his work on trust, helps couples bring curiosity to difficult conversations and makes defensiveness less likely.
When partners feel heard, they may become more willing to be vulnerable and work through disagreements together. When they repeatedly feel dismissed, they may begin to protect themselves by withdrawing or criticizing.
Trust grows when partners learn that they can bring difficult feelings to the table without those feelings automatically becoming an argument about who is right or wrong.
You can build trust when you approach your relationship as a team
Trust is also influenced by how partners make decisions and respond when they disagree. A couple can love each other deeply and still struggle with trust if one or both partners regularly feel that their needs are secondary or that they must fight to have a voice in the relationship.
Consider a couple deciding how to spend a weekend. One partner wants to visit family, while the other needs time to rest. If each approaches the disagreement focused on getting their own way, the conversation may quickly become a familiar argument about whose needs matter more. But when partners approach the decision as a team, they can acknowledge both perspectives and work toward a solution that considers each person’s needs.
Healthy teamwork leaves room for individual needs, boundaries, and meaningful compromise. Partners make an effort to consider how their choices affect one another, so neither person’s needs automatically come at the other’s expense.
In my work with couples, I find that rebuilding trust often involves shifting from Who’s right? or Why isn’t what I’m doing enough? to How can we better understand each other, and what would help us both feel more secure in this relationship?
Rebuilding trust when there’s no single betrayal to repair
Ultimately, trust is about more than the absence of major betrayal. It is also about the ongoing experience of having a partner who considers you, follows through, and works alongside you when things get difficult. These everyday choices may seem small, but over time, they help build the sense that you can depend on one another and that you are both actively working to protect your relationship.
If you feel ready to bring this up with your partner, try approaching the conversation with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Here are a couple of ways to get started:
“I remember you mentioning some concerns about trust in our relationship. I want to better understand how you’re feeling and what’s contributing to those concerns.”
Or:
“I want to better understand your experience of trust in our relationship. Would you be open to trying couples counseling so we can work through this together?”
If you and your partner would like to keep exploring these trust breakdowns, couples therapy can be a great place to start talking through them together.
Warmly,