Blame and denial are natural responses when relationships feel tense or uncertain. Many couples struggle with communication breakdowns, emotional distance, and repeated conflict. Yet, few realize how often these patterns are fueled by underlying defenses like blame and denial. In this post, we’ll explore why blame and denial emerge, what they signal emotionally, and what genuine, hopeful change looks like.
In the therapy room, the first session with a couple often unfolds in a familiar pattern. Each partner shares their explanation of what’s wrong, and more often than not, the explanation centers around the other person.
Take, for example, a fictional couple drawn from a very real dynamic I’ve seen many times: Chris and Kendall. Chris is quick to point out that communication is a core issue in their relationship.
“If Kendall would just speak up in the moment instead of shutting down, they could resolve things quickly and get back to normal. But instead, Kendall goes into silent treatment mode — sometimes for days — creating a tense, disconnected home environment. It’s like I’m walking on eggshells!”
Kendall sees it differently.
“Whenever I try to say what’s bothering me, “I get a lecture about all the ways I’m wrong. You say you’re listening, but then there’s always a ‘but.’ Like, ‘I can tell your feelings are hurt… but if you’d just come to me sooner, we wouldn’t be in this mess.’ You don’t even acknowledge how we got into the mess in the first place — like the tone you took with me to begin with.”
What I’ve learned as a couples therapist is that beneath the surface of these conversations lies something deeper. When people feel overwhelmed by complex emotions like guilt, shame, anger, grief, or hurt, they often unconsciously reach for strategies to protect themselves. Two of the most common ones I see are blame and denial.
Blame externalizes the problem — “If you would just…” — while denial minimizes or distorts reality to avoid emotional pain. Both are attempts to create a sense of control when things feel vulnerable or chaotic. And on some level, they can even feel hopeful: If my partner changes… if this situation isn’t as bad as it seems… maybe things will get better.
But that kind of hope — rooted in avoidance or projection — tends to keep couples stuck.
In this article, I want to explore why we blame, including:
- What Brené Brown’s research teaches us about blame’s emotional function — and how denying reality can feel protective in the short term but ultimately blocks change.
- What real hope looks like, according to Dr. David Ward, especially when it’s grounded in reality and self-awareness.
- And finally, the antidote to blame, from Drs. John and Julie Gottman: looking inward and owning your part in the dynamic.
It’s not about taking all the responsibility, but rather being willing to take your responsibility. And that’s where real change begins.
Understanding blame in relationships
Blame is a very common pattern of being acutely aware of what your partner is doing or not doing to contribute to the problem. Oftentimes, blame is a shortcut to avoiding underlying pain. It gives us a sense of control while protecting us from uncomfortable emotions like fear, shame, or helplessness. But it also keeps us disconnected.
Researcher and author Dr. Brené Brown has spent decades studying emotions that are difficult to talk about — shame, vulnerability, accountability — and she describes blame as a way to offload discomfort. In her YouTube video, Brown says, “Blame is the discharging of discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability.”
In other words, when we’re in pain, it’s much easier to point outward than to look inward. If I focus on what you did wrong, I don’t have to confront what’s unresolved in me. I don’t have to feel the shame of my own missteps, or the vulnerability of saying, “I hurt you and let you down, and I want to make it right.” Or “I’m freaked out and feel helpless— I can’t lose you.” Blame keeps us defended — but it also keeps us disconnected and rarely leads to repair.
Blame gives us a sense of control while protecting us from more uncomfortable emotions like fear, shame, or helplessness.
Why denial shows up in relationships
In addition to blame, I also see couples often use another powerful protective move: the denial of reality. While blame points the finger outward, denial pulls the curtain down. Denial minimizes, distorts, or tunes out uncomfortable truths — especially if we’re afraid of what they might mean.
In my work, I often see this when one partner is emotionally disengaged, maybe even considering leaving the relationship, but the other can’t (or won’t) see it. Instead of confronting the real distance in their relationship, they reframe it in more pleasant terms.
- “We’re just in a busy season.”
- “He’s gone through a lot this past year and this is just a phase.”
- “She’s been stressed at work, but once the promotion comes through, we’ll get back on track.”
It’s a story that offers hope: If I just stay patient, things will get better. While some of these stories might hold truth, denial often does the emotional heavy lifting. Denial is not just protecting us from discomfort — it’s shielding us from grief, fear, or the terrifying thought that someone we love may be pulling away.
But just like blame, denial comes at a cost. It may buy a sense of safety in the short term, but over time, it leads to missed cues, unspoken needs, and deeper disconnection.
Denial doesn’t just help us carry on — it often helps us remain hopeful.
How hope can replace blame and denial
Hope is powerful. It’s what keeps many people together, trying again and again to make things work. But here’s where it gets tricky: not all hope is created equal.
Dr. David Ward, a licensed marriage and family therapist and professor at Pacific Lutheran University in Tacoma, Washington, has explored the tension between denial, or false hope, and genuine hope.
According to Dr. Ward, real hope doesn’t require turning away from what’s painful — it requires facing it. It asks us to acknowledge the hard truths and still believe change is possible. In his work, hope is not passive. It’s not “wishful thinking.” It’s active — built on agency, clarity, and the willingness to take meaningful steps forward.
| Denial (False hope) | Based on avoidance or magical thinking | “If I wait long enough, it will just get better.” |
| Genuine hope | Rooted in reality and responsibility | “I see what’s broken. I see what’s been lost. And I still believe something better is possible — if I’m willing to show up differently.” |
Real hope begins with something that might seem small, but is incredibly brave: taking responsibility for your part.
Taking responsibility transforms connection
Genuine hope rooted in clarity and courage often leads to one of the most helpful moves a person can make in a relationship: taking responsibility.
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean taking the blame or letting your partner off the hook. It means asking, “What’s my part in this pattern?” And it requires tuning in to your partner and yourself. It’s the shift from trying to fix or change your partner to looking honestly at your own behavior, responses, and your own growth opportunities.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned for their decades of research on relationships, call taking responsibility the antidote to defensiveness, one of what he identifies as the “Four Horsemen” that predict relational breakdown. When partners get stuck defending themselves or deflecting fault, conversations spiral. But when even one partner is willing to pause and say, “You’re right — I didn’t handle that well,” it shifts the emotional climate for the better.
Gottman’s research shows that healthy couples aren’t perfect — they still experience conflict. What sets them apart is their ability to repair and take ownership when things go wrong. That humility creates trust and intimacy.
And here’s the truth: taking responsibility can be uncomfortable. It requires vulnerability. But it’s also one of the most hopeful moves you can make. Because once you stop focusing on what you can’t control (your partner), and start focusing on what you can (yourself) or dealing with real underlying feelings, real change becomes possible.
Noticing blame or denial in your relationship?
Blame and denial are human. They often show up when we’re overwhelmed, uncertain, or afraid of the unexamined. They protect us from pain— but they also keep us from progress.
The good news is, there’s another way forward.
It begins with awareness — recognizing patterns, naming what has been avoided, and allowing yourself to see things more clearly.
From there, real hope takes root. Not hope that everything will magically resolve, but hope that you have the power to show up differently. To take personal responsibility in what is going on.
That kind of shift doesn’t just change your relationship — it changes you.
If you’re noticing these patterns in your relationship, you’re not alone. These dynamics are common and workable, especially with support.
FAQ: Why blame and denial happen in relationships
Why do I keep blaming my partner during conflict?
Blame is a way to protect ourselves from discomfort. It often surfaces when we feel shame, fear, or loss of control — but it blocks real repair.
What does denial look like in a relationship?
Denial can sound like minimizing problems, avoiding tough conversations, or convincing yourself “things aren’t that bad.” It offers short-term relief but long-term disconnection.
Can a relationship heal from blame and denial?
Yes, when one or both partners begin to take personal responsibility, shift awareness, and work through defenses, meaningful change becomes possible.