Dear Therapist,
My partner keeps telling me I’m defensive. I don’t see it that way. I feel like I’m just explaining myself. I don’t want to come across as difficult, but I also don’t think it’s fair to always take the blame. How do I know if I’m actually being defensive or if my partner is just overly critical?
Sincerely,
Feeling Misjudged
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Dear Feeling Misjudged,
It’s really great that you’re asking this question. Even being curious about your own defensiveness is a big first step. Defensiveness can sneak into relationships in ways we don’t even notice, and almost everyone does it from time to time.
Let’s break down what defensiveness looks like and how you can respond differently.
What is defensiveness? (And why it’s hard to spot in ourselves)
Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. It’s our inner lawyer rushing to the stand, ready with exhibits A through Z to prove our innocence.
But, while your “lawyer brain” is busy building a defense, your partner often feels unheard, invalidated, or even attacked.
It doesn’t feel like defensiveness to you; it feels like self-protection. That’s why partners often notice it before we do. You might feel like you’re simply explaining yourself—but if that comes before acknowledging your partner’s emotions, it can create a conflict cycle where both people feel misunderstood.
Why defensiveness matters in your relationship
Defensiveness has been identified by renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”—behaviors that are most destructive to relationships. Alongside criticism, contempt, and stonewalling, defensiveness can quietly erode trust and connection.
The good news? Defensiveness is one of the most workable of the four, and there are proven ways to shift your patterns.
Signs you might be getting defensive
Defensiveness can sound different depending on the person and the situation. Here are some common signs of defensiveness. Do any of these sound familiar?
- You feel a strong urge to correct your partner’s version of events.
- You often say, “That’s not what I meant,” or “You’re exaggerating.”
- You bring up your partner’s faults or mistakes immediately after they share a concern. (e.g., “Well, you do the same thing”)
- You say, “I guess I am just a bad (husband/wife/partner etc.)” in response to feedback.
- You explain your side before acknowledging how your partner felt.
If you found yourself nodding yes, chances are defensiveness is creeping in. These are common reactions—and there’s room to practice something different. Defensiveness is often a knee-jerk response meant to protect ourselves, but it isn’t always the healthiest way to communicate and can often escalate a conversation to the point where one or both partners get very overwhelmed and flooded.
Why defensiveness doesn’t work
When your partner brings up something that bothers them, they’re usually looking for empathy and understanding, not a courtroom debate. Even if your intent is to explain, it can feel to them like you’re dodging accountability or minimizing their feelings.
Over time, defensiveness can lead to:
- Escalated arguments
- Unresolved conflict
- A partner who feels emotionally unsafe
- A breakdown in emotional closeness
A constant state of defensive behavior discourages openness, leads to less sharing, growing disconnection, and a negative overall view of the relationship.
So, you’re probably asking yourself at this point: what can I do to make it better?
The antidote to defensiveness
Defensiveness isn’t permanent—it’s a habit, and habits can be changed. According to the Gottmans’ research, one of the most effective ways to course-correct when you feel yourself getting defensive is to accept responsibility, even if it’s only for a small part of the conflict.
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean taking the full blame.
It means acknowledging your impact, which softens tension and opens the door to repair.
Owning and accepting responsibility softens the interaction, reduces tension, and creates space for repair and deeper connection.
Examples of healthy responses
Here’s what that can look like in practice:
- “You’re right, I did raise my voice, and I can see how that made things feel more heated.”
- “I should have let you know I was running late. I can see how that worried you.”
- “I didn’t handle that the way I wanted to. I can understand why you felt hurt.”
- “I see now that I interrupted you. I’ll try to slow down and listen better.”
- “I wasn’t clear with my words, and I can see how that caused confusion.”
- “I can see how my tone came across as dismissive. That wasn’t my intention.”
- “You’re right that I forgot to follow through this time. I’ll work on being more consistent.”
Even small shifts like these build trust over time.
Learning to accept responsibility plays a crucial role in diffusing arguments. Additionally, I would have a few more tips to help build confidence in effectively managing defensiveness.
A step-by-step approach to combat defensiveness
Try this 5-step method the next time you feel defensive creeping in:
1. Address feelings before facts
Pause. Acknowledge your partner’s emotions before explaining your side.
When your partner shares something that hurt or bothered them, resist the urge to jump straight into explanation. Even well-intentioned clarifications can backfire if your partner doesn’t feel heard first.
2. Validate
Try saying: “I can see that hurt you.”
Even if you don’t agree with the full story, validating emotion helps de-escalate.
3. Accept responsibility (even if it’s a small part)
Take ownership of your part in the conflict. This isn’t accepting full responsibility for the argument; rather, it’s simply acknowledging your hand in it.
“I hear you—I was short with you earlier. That wasn’t fair.”
Owning your part softens the interaction and opens the door to repair.
4. Ask a Question
Be curious instead of reactive.
“Can you tell me more about how you felt when I said that?”
5. Clarify later
Once your partner feels heard and validated, you can gently share your perspective and add context—without minimizing their experience:
“Thanks for helping me understand. Would it be okay if I share how I experienced it, too?”
Bottom line: Defensiveness is a habit you can change
Two things are true: Every couple experiences conflict, and defensiveness can be changed. How you respond in those moments matters most. When you take responsibility for your part, validate feelings, show curiosity, and clarify thoughtfully, you can transform conflict into an opportunity for connection, repair, and growth in your relationship.
Warmly,
Kelsee White, LMFT
Need more help navigating conflict?
If you or your partner are struggling with defensiveness or any of the other Four Horsemen, our licensed couples therapists can help you build skills to manage conflict and reconnect.