Dear Therapist,
I gave up my Saturday morning run three weekends in a row — once for my sister, once for my partner’s family thing, and once because a friend needed help moving. I keep saying yes, and there’s nothing left over for me. I’ve been trying to fix that by setting boundaries, but every time I try, it falls apart within a week. The other person nods, agrees, and then goes right back to asking for the next favor. Is something wrong with me, or have I just trained everyone to assume my time is always up for grabs?
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed and Spent
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Dear Overwhelmed,
I want to start off by saying thank you for being so open and sharing this. There’s plenty written about setting boundaries — far less about what actually doing it looks like (and sounds like) day to day. This feels especially true when both you and the people in your life aren’t used to boundaries. Implementing them effectively can feel really hard and uncomfortable. Done well, a boundary is one of the quickest ways to deepen trust in a relationship.
I want to break boundaries down for you in a more digestible way, including what boundaries actually are, how to set them, how to maintain them, and most of all: how to make them work. We’ll cover some common errors people make when setting boundaries and what to do instead.
So what actually is a boundary?
A boundary is a communication tool that helps people in your life understand what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable with you. I like to think of boundaries as bridges instead of barriers. You share how you want to be treated and provide a map for the people in your life to navigate how to have a good relationship with you. Without that map, people guess and often gravitate toward how they want to be treated or behavior that feels acceptable to them. But that might not always be what is acceptable to you.
For example, your friend might always be 15-20 minutes late, or your partner might come home from work late often without giving you a heads up. If roles were reversed, this behavior might not affect them at all, because punctuality or advanced notice isn’t super important to them. Yet that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you. Oftentimes, the people we love want to treat us the way we want to be treated — but they have to know what that is first.
How do you set a boundary?
Here’s the part that usually trips people up: a boundary tells someone how you’ll respond if they act in a way that’s unacceptable to you. You’re not changing their behavior — you’re sharing what your behavior will be in that circumstance.
Take your partner who doesn’t text when they’re running late. Repeating “please be on time” every day, then waiting around annoyed and doing exactly what you did the time before — that keeps you in the same loop, because nothing about your response actually changed. A proper boundary would look like:
“Hey, I know work gets crazy, and there is an expectation for you to stay late to finish up. When I don’t get a text with a heads up, I worry about you and don’t know whether to eat dinner myself or wait for you. I’d feel a lot better with a quick heads-up if you’re running late. But if I don’t hear from you by 6pm, I’m going to assume you’re staying late and go ahead and eat without you.”
This shares your emotion about the topic, your expectation, and what your behavior will be if that expectation isn’t met. It’s clear to the listener that if they want to ease their partner’s worries and also be included for dinner plans, they’ll have to send a considerate text update.
How do I maintain my boundaries?
This part is simple: hold up your end of the deal and do what you said you were going to do. Here’s the not-so-simple part — don’t make boundaries that you won’t maintain.
It might feel appropriate in the heat of the moment to tell your family member you’ll leave the holiday party if they bring up politics again. But that might not be what you want to do when Christmas rolls around, and you want to spend time with your nieces and nephews. So here’s a rule of thumb: keep your boundaries simple, yet effective. Instead of leaving the party, don’t engage in the conversation. If they want to talk to you, it can be about anything else.
If you feel strongly enough about the behavior that it warrants a drastic boundary (i.e., never speaking to someone again), take the time to process what that will actually look like, and whether you’re willing to make that leap if the time comes.
If you express a boundary and don’t hold up your end, it tells others that you don’t really mean what you say. For example, you tell your friend to please be on time to your coffee date or you’ll have to leave after 10 minutes. Yet, 20 minutes later, you’re still at the cafe because they called you with an excuse. You are telling your friend it’s okay for them to be late as long as they have a reason.
When it gets hard, remember this: what you’re doing is paving the way for your friendship to get stronger, if they’re willing to meet you where your needs are. It’s more beneficial for you to uphold this boundary than to swim in resentment, causing both of you to have a terrible time together.
If the guilt of someone being upset with you feels like more than you can sit with on your own, that’s worth bringing into therapy. Guilt about disappointing people is one of the most common blocks that keeps people from holding a boundary at all.
Two things people mistake for boundaries
Even with the best of intentions, boundaries can turn into something else entirely without you noticing. Here are the two patterns I see most often — and how to tell the difference before they undo the work you just did.
The excuse
Sometimes it can feel easier to make an excuse for protecting your peace than to tell the person what behavior is causing you to act or feel a certain way. If you don’t feel like they have the capacity to hear you, but you aren’t quite ready to enforce a real boundary, that may be the case. But an excuse works differently than a boundary does — and it usually invites negotiation instead of the outcome you actually wanted.
When you give a reason other than the truth, the other person may attempt to solve the problem of the excuse you gave (i.e., you don’t want to go to dinner because they always talk about themselves, but you said you can’t afford it, so they offer to pay). Now you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place, because the reason you gave is no longer an issue, and you have to decide whether to give another excuse or go — both of which will feel uncomfortable.
The offloading
Many uncomfortable situations in our lives are actually really good growth opportunities, like the friend who tells you how you made them feel, the test you flunked because you decided not to study, or the anxiety you feel when you do something you know isn’t you.
Being uncomfortable at times can be positive — it pushes us to make changes that reduce that discomfort, like showing up as a better friend, studying harder for the next test, or saying you’re sorry and righting your wrongs. Avoiding uncomfortable situations altogether can make your life and relationships worse.
Boundaries aren’t a tool for avoiding accountability. Telling someone they’re not allowed to hold you accountable is defensiveness wearing a boundary’s clothes. You’re allowed to set a boundary around how someone holds you accountable — asking for that conversation to happen calmly and kindly, for example. Deciding it can’t happen at all is different: that’s making a rule for someone else’s behavior, the exact thing a boundary was never built to do.
The key here is remembering that boundaries are supposed to strengthen your relationships, not harm them. Taking responsibility for yourself is the first step in building that strength.
Creating and holding boundaries takes time and practice
Practicing boundaries can be one of the most uncomfortable, yet rewarding, skills to learn. Once you are able to recognize it once, it becomes much easier to recognize the patterns of people-pleasing within many of your relationships. This can be scary and feel very daunting.
I want to reinforce that this does not mean that all of your relationships are bad or doomed; rather, they are following some long-accepted patterns. Many of the people we love are happy to make the changes in their lives to fit your boundaries, they just need to understand what those boundaries are.
Like any skill, learning to set effective boundaries takes time. Don’t expect to be a pro right away — practice with a safe person or a therapist while you’re learning.
When you keep your boundaries simple and attainable, especially at the beginning, you really can strengthen your relationships and fill your cup.
Warmly,
Rachel Kloss, LCSWA
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FAQ: Setting boundaries that actually hold
Why don’t my boundaries work even when I set them?
Most boundaries fail for one of two reasons: they were framed as a demand on someone else’s behavior instead of a statement of your own, or they weren’t followed through on the first time they were tested. A boundary only works when it’s paired with consistent action — the other person learns what happens next based on what you actually do, rather than what you said you’d do.
Is it selfish to set boundaries with family?
No — a boundary tells family members what’s acceptable and unacceptable for you, which actually gives them a clearer map for how to have a healthy relationship with you. Selfishness would be expecting them to guess. The discomfort of setting the boundary is not the same thing as the boundary being wrong to set in the first place.
What’s the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum?
A boundary describes what you will do in response to a specific behavior. An ultimatum tries to control what the other person does. If the line is “you have to stop doing X or else,” that’s leaning toward ultimatum. If the line is “if X happens, here’s what I’ll do,” that’s a boundary.
How do I stay consistent with a boundary once I’ve set it?
Keep it simple enough that you can actually follow through in the moment you’re upset, not just in the calm moment you set it. A boundary you can’t maintain when it’s tested teaches the other person your word is negotiable — which undoes the boundary faster than never setting one at all.