Whether it’s birthday parties, holidays, or family dinners, if your partner is close with their family, you’re probably seeing your in-laws several times a year. If you like your in-laws, those get-togethers feel easy. If you don’t, those gatherings can feel uncomfortable and even packed with dread. You don’t want to upset your partner, but you also don’t want to spend more time than you have to with someone who gets under your skin.
In-law drama: Is it a values clash or a personality conflict?
Before you decide what to do about an in-law you don’t like, it helps to know what kind of clash you’re actually dealing with. Sometimes it’s a values conflict, like political or religious differences that feel personal every time they come up at the dinner table. Other times it’s a personality conflict — you’re more reserved, they’re more confrontational, or the reverse. The approach is different depending on which one you’re in.
Dealing with difficult in-law dynamics can be extremely taxing on both you and your relationship if not handled correctly, so we are here to walk you through steps on how to navigate this tricky situation as best as possible.
To figure out the best way to approach the situation, first ask yourself: what do I typically do in this situation and is it working for me and my relationship?
If your instinct is to smile, laugh along, and stay quiet even when something bothers you, you likely lean toward a keep-the-peace approach. Left unaddressed, that tends to resurface later as passive-aggressive or critical comments aimed at your partner instead of the in-law. The fix is practicing gentle, direct statements in the moment, not after it’s built up.
If your instinct is the opposite, immediately clocking what irritated you and reacting before you’ve had time to think, a softer approach will usually serve you better. Pull the person aside privately, set a specific boundary (skip events where drinking is involved, for example), or try a self-soothing technique in the moment so you can address it calmly later.
Does your partner know how you feel?
Yes, they know how you feel
Depending on how that conversation went, some repair may be needed before you go further. Your partner shouldn’t have to feel like they’re choosing between you and their family, and any chance you take to criticize their family will likely make them defensive of them. Once that happens, there’s no room left for conversation.
Start with something genuine and validating: “I’m sorry I’ve been so critical of your family. I understand that’s hard for you to hear, and it’s put you in an uncomfortable spot.” That’s it for now. This isn’t the time to revisit your feelings about their family, that comes next, once your partner feels seen and heard.
No, you haven’t brought it up directly
You might feel like it is in everyone’s best interest to keep your feelings to yourself. While that is certainly the easier choice, it’s not the best choice for long-term connection with your partner. Staying quiet to avoid upsetting your partner is a people-pleasing pattern.
Unexpressed emotion doesn’t disappear, it gets redirected. Your in-law rarely sees the fallout. Your partner does, because they’re the person it feels safe enough to argue with.
You might start thinking, why do we have to spend so much time with them, why can’t we just see my family or have some time alone? Left alone, that can turn into resentment, and resentment tends to come out sideways, a snippy comment, a nasty tone, which puts more distance between you and your partner than the original problem ever did.
You begin seeing more and more similarities between your partner and their family, feeling irritated at them for things their family has done. The words “always” and “never” start coming out more and more as you begin to describe how they “never stick up for you” and “always take their parent’s side” even if they don’t know this is a problem in the first place.
How to talk to your partner about their family without making them choose a side
There’s a way to talk about this that doesn’t make you, your partner, or their family the villain. With a soft start-up, you are focusing on you. This is where “I statements” come in. Start by identifying how you feel when you are with their family. You’re avoiding accusations or blame, and simply allowing your partner to see your perspective.
- If they’re critical: “I feel insecure when comments are made about how I am high-maintenance. Can we talk about what to do when that happens with your family?”
- If it’s a values difference: “I feel uncomfortable when political or religious comments come up at family gatherings. I don’t feel like I can speak up without starting a problem, and it upsets me to just sit with it.”
- If it’s a personality clash: “I feel overwhelmed and invisible when there are a lot of conversations going on at once, and I can’t get a word in at family gatherings.”
If you need an example to explain your experience, stick to what actually happened, not “always” or “never,” and not a character judgment.
Instead of: “Carla is always so critical. She constantly comments on my cooking, and when I catered, she made fun of that too.”
Try: “The last time we hosted, Carla commented that my pasta dish wasn’t healthy. When I catered something healthier instead, she said I was too lazy to cook. I felt defeated and disrespected.”
When a direct conversation with the in-law makes sense
If you and your partner decide together that the issue is worth raising directly with the family member, keep the same soft start-up approach. Choose somewhere private, and if it helps, have your partner there for support. Stay focused on the impact, not on the other person’s character, and offer a clear, positive need instead of a complaint.
For example: “I feel hurt and disrespected when I have a rule for my children and it isn’t respected. I’d feel so much better if that rule was followed, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it.”
Most likely, your in-law will not have realized the negative impact they have had on you and will be apologetic and work towards meeting your expressed needs. If your in-law’s behavior has gone unaddressed for a long time, though, the first reaction might not be a good one. This may come in the form of guilt-tripping, criticism, or ignoring what you said altogether. Stay calm and don’t give in to negative behavior. Know that you expressed yourself well, regulate yourself and walk away if need be.
One thing to expect: when you first set a boundary, you may see an extinction burst. This is an observed behavioral pattern. When a behavior that’s worked for someone, like consistently delegating hosting duties to you, stops getting the response it used to, that behavior often gets stronger before it fades.
Your in-law may lay on the guilt more heavily than before, usually without realizing they’re doing it. The brain reaches for what’s worked in the past. This isn’t permanent, though. The behavior often fades once your in-law learns the old approach no longer gets the old result.
You can’t control how your in-law responds to a boundary. You can only control your own response.
Work with your partner to figure out what you both are comfortable with in the case of a boundary getting crossed. What will you do? Leave the room, choose not to come to family parties, change the topic of conversation? It is your responsibility to hold up your boundaries, not anyone else’s.
When it won’t change — protect your marriage
If you’ve tried talking with your in-law directly and nothing shifts, connect with your partner about what boundaries make sense for both of you. What matters is that it feels fair to both of you. Compromise here works the same way it does anywhere else in a marriage, it’s rarely 50/50 in the moment, but it should even out over time.
The goal is to feel like a team through this, not like you’re managing it alone. That might mean no longer hosting that side of the family, taking two cars so either of you can leave when needed, or something else entirely.
Stay regulated in the room
Which regulation tool helps depends on whether you can step away or not. If it is not worth it for you to miss out on other in-laws because of one person, you may have to be in the same room as someone whom you don’t like. If you feel yourself getting emotionally flooded, practice some of these emotion regulation techniques to help you get back to baseline.
- Happy place: Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom for a few minutes by yourself. Think of a place (real or imaginary) where you have no stress or worry, and everything is good. Go through your 5 senses in your head and ask yourself: What do I see in this place? What am I hearing here? What does it smell like here? Am I tasting anything? What am I feeling? Picture your happy place in as much detail as you can and take one deep breath in and out while holding this place in your mind.
- Box breathing: For a more subtle regulation that you can do while in the same room as everyone else, box breathing is a great tool. Focus on breathing with your stomach instead of your chest, blowing your stomach up like a balloon as much as you can. Breathe in for 4. Hold for 4. Breathe out for 4. Hold for 4. Do this as many times as you need.
Dealing with difficult in-law dynamics can be a very tricky and uncomfortable situation, but you have options. Remember the key is to honor your needs while also honoring your relationship with your partner, quality communication is your friend!
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You don’t have to choose between your marriage and your peace
In-law conflict is uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to become a wedge between you and your partner. The goal is to honor your own needs while still protecting the relationship, and that’s almost always possible with the right conversation, at the right time, framed the right way.
If this has become a recurring pattern instead of an occasional friction point, working through it together in a couples therapy can help you build a shared approach faster than working it out holiday by holiday.
Frequently asked questions about in-law conflict in marriage
What if my partner doesn’t think there’s a problem? This usually means the conversation hasn’t fully landed yet, not that your feelings aren’t valid. Go back to the soft start-up and keep the focus on your experience rather than their family’s behavior, it’s easier for a partner to hear “I feel” than “your family.”
How do I know if this is a personality clash or a values conflict? Ask what’s actually driving the discomfort, is it how they communicate, or what they believe? The distinction changes which conversation you need to have, and with whom.
What if setting a boundary makes the next holiday worse before it gets better? That’s common, and it doesn’t mean the boundary was wrong. Give it time, and keep checking in with your partner about whether it’s still working for both of you.
When does this go beyond something we can work through on our own? If it’s coming up in every interaction, or one of you feels like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, that’s worth bringing into a session together rather than continuing to manage it alone.