It may be “the most wonderful time of the year,” but for many people, it’s also a time when interacting with family increases anxiety. Maybe you’ve heard that boundaries are a great way to best care for yourself but are unsure how to put them into practice. Connect Couples and In Session Psych’s therapists have brought together the best resources to help you set boundaries with your family.
Articles following this one will explore boundary-setting more deeply for those facing addiction, blended families, and newly married couples.
First, let’s clarify what boundaries are and what healthy boundaries include.
Boundaries 101
Boundaries help us have a sense of ownership and define the lines of “where I end and where someone else begins,” according to Dr. Cloud. These boundaries give a sense of freedom and parameters for romantic relationship success. Boundaries exist for all types of relationships: spouses, in-laws, children, coworkers, etc. As a result, boundaries can be healthy or unhealthy.
Some signs of healthy boundaries include:
- Autonomy rather than enmeshment (i.e. confusion of roles and expectations due to a loss of self in the family system)
- Ground rules for interactions with others, which provide comfort of emotional and physical safety
- Freedom, empowerment, and self-view
- Clear relationship responsibilities
- Distinction of your wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings
Despite our desires to strive for healthy boundaries in relationships, it’s easy for parts of our lives to become enmeshed or codependent with those we love. Below are eight therapist-approved resources to help you and your partner set boundaries with each other, in-laws, extended family, or even your children.
Book: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab
This resource is most helpful for those looking for guidance on how to set verbal boundaries with the people around them.
Top takeaways from therapist Anna Malles:
One of the most helpful aspects of this book is its specific examples of boundaries. It provides concrete language to help you set boundaries in your life. This can be empowering for those who are looking to explore the control they have in difficult relationships. Tawwab has also authored a workbook to accompany Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
At times, Set Boundaries, Find Peace can oversimplify the complexity of setting boundaries in truly toxic and dysfunctional relationships. Her next book, Drama-Free, explores those topics more deeply.
Book: Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
This resource is for people who have difficulty saying “no” in all areas of life.
Top takeaways from community connector Mercy Clark:
This book has easy-to-follow chapters that teach what boundaries are, how to set them, and how to use boundaries to measure and achieve success in your life. Chapters 7 and 12 were great chapters about setting boundaries with family and self that helped me to say no more and people please less. It presented questions about one’s life in a digestible way, encouraging self-reflection and action.
Authors Cloud and Townsend use biblical passages as evidence for healthy boundary setting and maintenance. While the book is written from a Christian perspective, it still has excellent advice applicable to all walks of faith and belief systems.
Book: Courageous Love: A Couples Guide to Conquering Betrayal
This resource is for couples working through the aftermath of betrayal.*
*It’s essential that both partners have their own individual therapist, specifically trained in betrayal trauma, as part of going through this book and accompanying exercises. This book is ideal for couples committed to healing and ready to establish clear, healthy boundaries throughout the disclosure process.
Top takeaways from therapist Dr. Faith Drew:
While there is no guarantee that a relationship will endure through disclosure, this book offers significant support and guidance by providing a structured approach. It emphasizes the importance of intentional preparation for the betrayed partner, which can be particularly beneficial during such a challenging time for couples. One of the most impactful aspects is how the text encourages the betrayed partner to reflect on their needs by establishing boundaries beforehand. This includes deciding what details they would like to know or prefer not to know, which helps avoid unnecessary pain and encourages constructive, safe conversations.
The workbook empowers each person to approach the process thoughtfully by thinking through questions and limits before disclosure. The initial preparation phase respects the betrayed partner’s needs, giving them control over what they hear while guiding both partners to navigate the disclosure carefully. It also helps the partner who did the betrayal to focus on their contributions and take full accountability. This structured approach helps both individuals process the betrayal in a structured and thorough way, which sets the stage for the betrayed partner to write an impact letter to their partner.
Article: Requests Vs. Boundaries Vs. Ultimatums: The Ultimate Guide
This resource is for anyone looking to better understand how to implement more effective boundaries in their relationship.
Top takeaways from therapist Kelsee White:
This article provides actionable insights on strengthening our boundary-setting skills. Many of us have likely encountered situations in our relationship where repeated requests were ignored or, conversely, moments where we issued ultimatums with heavy implications and consequences. I appreciate how this article helps to clarify whether we’re making requests, issuing ultimatums, or genuinely setting healthy boundaries with our loved ones. It takes a self-reflective approach, prompting us to examine how we can better help ourselves in hopes of getting our boundaries understood and respected.
While the Gottman Institute primarily focuses on romantic relationships, this article applies to various relationships such as parent-child, friend-to-friend, in-laws, etc. Overall, the article helps us better understand why our boundary-making attempts may not work and what we can do to improve those efforts.
Book: Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t
This resource is most helpful to those who want to consider safe people in their lives and how to set boundaries with those who are not safe. The book has a faith-based view and is best-fit for those who prefer a spiritual influence.
Top takeaways from therapist Danae Kauffman:
Cloud and Townsend’s book helps individuals understand who “safe people” are and what healthy relationships look like. The text provides a helpful perspective on examining patterns of friendship and romantic partners and identifying generational patterns within the family that can lead to unhealthy dynamics, such as control or manipulation. Safe People encourages readers to explore their relationships with others and how boundaries may need to come into play.
Book: My Body Belongs to Me: A Parent’s Guide: How to Talk with Young Children about Personal Boundaries, Respect, and Consent
This resource is the most helpful to parents and caregivers of young children.
Top takeaways from sexologist Liz Mallers:
This excellent book covers the niche topic of how to talk to young kids about personal boundaries and consent. It’s important for children to understand this concept for a multitude of reasons: they will learn bodily autonomy and feel empowered to keep themselves safe in potentially harmful situations, they will be able to realize and respect other people’s boundaries, and they will be more inclined to confide in you (the parent) now that you’ve opened that line of communication on this subject.
This guide will help you navigate the awkward situation when your child refuses to hug Grandpa and prepare you for teaching your kid how to say “no” to unwanted touch from strangers. It’s a super easy-to-read book at 80 pages, with each section broken down into bite-sized chunks. The last few pages offer more resources for further self-education.
Book: Wherever You Go, There You Are
This resource is most helpful for anyone exploring the process of tuning into what gives them energy and what takes away energy as they learn to set healthy boundaries.
Top takeaways from therapist Dr. George Bitar:
I find the practice of mindfulness, which is about training the mind to stay at ease in the moment, helps create a boundary between ourselves and a world that often pulls us into anxiety, agitation, and unease. The practice helps us get clear about what enhances our lives in a way that nurtures compassion, connection, and peace and what pulls us into a state where we might ruminate about the past, feel anxious about the future, or compare ourselves to others in a way that leads to stress. Mindfulness might be even more salient now as we calibrate our boundaries between ourselves and social media and the wave of information constantly at our fingertips via our devices.
Podcast: We Can Do Hard Things: How to Set & Hold Boundaries with Melissa Urban, S1 E143
This resource is most helpful for anyone looking to set specific boundaries with friends, romantic partners, in-laws, and beyond.
Top takeaways from therapist Ali Flowers:
The podcast gives great insight into what to expect from Melissa Urban’s book The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free. It is fascinating to hear the author share her personal experience and discuss (surprising) top signs that tell you it’s time to set a boundary, understand and pay attention to “energy leakage,” and rethink boundaries as giving voice to your worth and health. If you enjoy the podcast, the book is an excellent follow-up with more wonderful information on how boundaries are the key to feelings of security, confidence, and freedom in every area of your life.
You can address and work toward healthy boundaries individually or with the support of your partner.
Regardless of the type of relationship, boundaries need to be present for healthy relationships to thrive. If you are a parent, partner, or friend, we hope these resources can help you set boundaries to support healthier relationships this holiday season and throughout the year.
It can be daunting to recognize and address which relationships require you to set and maintain boundaries. If you need support navigating this process, our therapists at Connect Couples Therapy would be happy to help you on that journey.
Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.