Sitting in the afternoon light of my therapy office, I observe the faces of the couple across the coffee table. They are restricted, tense, and in pain. Hans* explains in a small voice that they have decided to end their marriage. His wife, Allison*, cries quietly while avoiding eye contact. This is their first visit regarding their marriage separation, and a deep sense of shame fills the room.
I listen to their story and offer some affirmation: what Hans and Allison are doing is both brave and far too infrequent. But here they are, showing up, attending, and prioritizing their relationship, even as they bring it to an end. I offer appreciation for their courage and hope for how couples counseling can help the process.
Separation is arguably the most painful of human experiences, and it comes in many forms. We are built to self-protect from loss, so everything in us, including our biological systems, protests when loss feels imminent. Still, there are many reasons you may choose to separate, and there are ways to move through the process with grace and dignity.
I explain to Hans and Allison the objectives of couples counseling when the overall goal is to separate gracefully.
Track how you have gotten stuck in a pattern that pushes you apart.
Hans recognizes that he has long been the pursuing partner, often criticizing Allison for her perceived lack of romantic effort. He sees now that this was born out of a fear that Allison would decide one day she didn’t want to be close to him, and he can acknowledge how he inadvertently pushed her away with his criticism and pursuit. Eventually, Hans burned out and stopped trying to feel closer to Allison due to his sense of hopelessness at her lack of response.
For her part, Allison acknowledges that she increasingly withdrew emotionally to cope with her feelings of anger, inadequacy, and fear of disappointing Hans.
Something illuminating begins when Hans and Allison see their negative patterns and take ownership of their problematic tendencies. They experience greater understanding of each other’s emotional experience within this cycle and can validate their own and each other’s pain. This non-judgement contributes to increased emotional safety. Seeing their negative pattern also helps Hans and Allison develop a clear narrative of how they got to this point in their relationship, allowing them to move forward in separation with an increased sense of clarity and, hopefully, closure.
Provide the opportunity to offer forgiveness.
As Hans and Allison see how their patterns have resulted in hurt and disconnection, they come to a place of softening where forgiveness feels possible. Forgiveness means replacing an overly negative narrative about each other and the marriage with a more neutral, flexible narrative.
While each partner still experiences some pain over the loss of their marriage, it is less acute, and they are better able to reframe their perspectives. They are better able to release one another from paying for the hurt that was caused. Because of this, Allison and Hans grow in their ability to lower their self-protective mechanisms, and by extension, it feels easier to trust in other relationships, too.
Honor the good that came from your relationship.
Emotional safety and forgiveness create the capacity for Allison and Hans to recognize and honor the healthy parts of their relationship. In our couples counseling sessions, we distinguish many ways that they have acted in each other’s best interest, helped each other grow as people, and supported one another’s dreams.
Hans and Allison share that they’re most grateful for what their marriage fostered for their two children.
Grieve the loss of your relationship.
Sharing sadness over the ending of a relationship can significantly contribute to closure and healing. Hans again expresses his remorse for his part in the disconnection and allows his tears to fall while Allison sits beside him, listening. He tells her that even though they both know it is time to separate, this loss still feels so big like someone important has died. He shows her how sad he is to be ending this chapter.
Allison hears his grief and allows tears to fall in response. She tells him that she feels the same way and that their marriage ending feels significant to her, too. They each experience a kind of reassurance, knowing they share this grief. I encourage them to continue making space for their grief and tell them that, if it feels right, they can continue to show each other their sadness in the months, or even years, to come.
Gain a sense of confidence in moving forward, apart.
When Hans and Allison each express hope and confidence for their separated lives ahead, I know that therapy has been effective. Couples therapy has been helpful for their separation not because it “saved their marriage” but because they gained emotional awareness of how their marriage came to an end. Thus, each one feels more confident about entering into future relationships.
Hans and Allison can now better articulate their needs and desires and are more aware of their blindspots and relational tendencies.
You can separate in a healthy way.
Couples counseling can help heal and build a future, both as a couple and when separating. It can help to create a narrative, provide forgiveness, express appreciation, share in the grief, and gain confidence for a future apart. Although separation can be one of the most painful human experiences, it can also provide growth, healing, and hope for a new chapter in life.
Working towards separation with grace and dignity can feel like an overwhelming process. A therapist can help to curate safety along the way if you and your spouse need support during separation, discernment, or divorce.
Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.
*Fictitious couple