Sleep deprivation. Cluster feeding. Blowouts and teething, sometimes all in the same afternoon. Whether you’re expecting or you’ve recently grown your family, the transition to parenthood, or to a second or third child, can leave partners wondering if the spark in their marriage is still there. The Gottman Institute found that two-thirds of couples experience “heightened conflict, relationship disappointment, and hurt feelings post-baby.” If that’s where you are right now, you’re part of a well-documented majority.
The remaining third of couples, those who feel they fared postpartum better, all had something in common: they prioritized their friendship and romance, even in small ways, during this often-challenging stretch.
We rounded up our therapist team to share what a strong connection looks like in postpartum and how to fan the flame on your friendship with so little time and a little one in tow.
Quick takeaways
- Two-thirds of couples report more conflict in the first year after a baby. The couples who fare better prioritize small, repeated rituals of connection, not grand gestures.
- A ritual of connection is a predictable, low-effort moment, like a six-second kiss or a five-minute check-in, that builds connection without requiring extra time.
- The ritual that sticks is one you build into a moment you’re already in, not a new task added to the day.
- Naming who initiates, how long it lasts, and how it ends makes a ritual more likely to survive past the first week.
Why couples feel disconnected in postpartum
Sleep deprivation and the general upheaval of a life transition make disconnection a normal, expected experience for new parents, rather than a sign that something is wrong. If it’s been a stretch since you and your partner felt truly rested, sleep deprivation itself does a lot of that work. It affects empathy, patience, and how quickly small friction turns into a real conflict.
Prioritizing friendship after baby arrives
The Gottman Institute’s Sound Relationship House model puts deep friendship at the foundation of every stable relationship, the base that trust, romance, and satisfying intimacy get built on top of. Couples with strong friendships show more day-to-day fondness and more curiosity about each other, exactly the resources postpartum tends to drain first.
That doesn’t mean your partner needs to be your only source of support in postpartum. You still need community, whether that’s family, friends, or a postpartum support group. But putting effort into your friendship with your partner reminds you both why you’re together, and can make the day-to-day feel less isolating.
The Gottman Institute calls these small, dependable moments rituals of connection: predictable, consistent interactions that help partners feel seen and stay close.
Adding one more task to your day can feel impossible in the postpartum period. The rituals that work best are the ones you build into moments that are already happening, not new commitments layered on top of an already full day. Consider the following as a starting point to explore with your partner.
Three rituals of connection, from real couples and real sessions
Real life with a new baby is messy, exhausting, and rarely picture-perfect. These three couples didn’t wait for a calmer season to reconnect. Below, Dr. Faith Drew, a Certified Gottman Therapist and CCT co-founder, shares what she’s seen work in session.
Every couple below is a composite, with identifying details changed to protect their privacy. The patterns are real, drawn from what our own clinicians have seen rebuild connection during the postpartum period.
Three different rituals, three different starting points, one shared thread: none of these couples waited for more time, more sleep, or an easier “phase.” They noticed something small that was already working and built on it.
Bathtime connection
Hillary and Juan have a 6-month-old baby boy, Mateo. Since becoming parents, Juan has been struggling with an unfamiliar feeling: feeling useless. Juan is a hard worker who recently earned a promotion to supervisor, so professionally he feels competent, valued, and recognized at work. At home, however, Hillary is their son’s primary caregiver, and Juan often isn’t sure where he fits or how he can be helpful.
Bringing home Mateo has been one of the greatest joys of their lives, but it has also created some of the biggest challenges they have experienced as a couple. They had always been incredibly close and considered each other best friends. Yet over the previous six months, they had slowly begun to feel as though they were living parallel lives. With no family nearby, no reliable babysitter, and neither of them yet comfortable leaving their baby with someone else, traditional date nights weren’t realistic. Instead, they decided to work with the circumstances they have right now and created a bathtime ritual.
Every night, they put Mateo’s baby tub in their large kitchen sink and do bathtime together. One might take the lead bathing him while the other sits nearby in a kitchen chair, and the next night they may switch. While washing tiny toes and watching their baby splash, they use those few minutes to check in: How was your day? What happened at work? What was hard today? How are you doing?
Bathtime became a way for Juan to participate more actively in caring for their son while also giving Hillary and Juan a predictable opportunity to reconnect with each other.
Why this ritual worked according to Dr. Faith Drew:
What made this ritual work was that Hillary and Juan stopped focusing on all the ways they couldn’t connect like they used to and instead found a consistent way to connect within the life they have now.
They didn’t need a babysitter, an elaborate date night, or even an extra hour in the day. Hillary and Juan found a few minutes inside something they were already doing. The baby bathtime ritual also addressed two needs at once: Juan had a meaningful role in caring for their son, and the couple had protected time to turn toward one another and stay curious about each other’s lives. It’s important to note that both Hillary and Juan recognized that this ritual isn’t meant to last forever.
One day their son will outgrow the baby tub in the kitchen sink, and that’s okay. The goal is to protect the habit of creating rituals of connection, whatever that ritual happens to be in that season of life. When this one no longer fits, they can ask each other, “What’s our new thing?”
Alternating bedtime duty
Cameron and Quinn’s 3-month-old baby Avery isn’t sleeping through the night, and both have recently returned to work. They work from home and hired a daytime nanny to help, but Quinn has found it difficult to fully focus knowing (and hearing) Avery just a room or two away. Hearing the baby cry can quickly pull Quinn’s attention away from work, which means unfinished tasks often spill into the evening.
Cameron, on the other hand, has an easier time tuning out the background noise and has settled back into a work routine despite the fatigue. Cameron couldn’t understand why Quinn couldn’t simply put on noise-canceling headphones and focus, while Quinn increasingly felt criticized and misunderstood. By evening, Quinn felt pressure to return to the computer to catch up, while Cameron felt neglected. They felt like their choices had become either taking care of Avery or Quinn working, with very little time left for them.
Rather than continuing to argue about who should be doing what differently, they created a new bedtime ritual: every other night, one parent takes full responsibility for the baby’s bedtime routine. On Cameron’s nights, Quinn gets an uninterrupted extra hour to finish work. On Quinn’s nights, Cameron gets that same protected time.
Their hope is that by intentionally sharing bedtime duties and creating a consistent window to catch up, they can protect a little energy at the end of the night to snuggle on the couch and reconnect. This ritual is a start, not a cure-all — and it already feels better than continuing to build resentment.
Why this ritual worked according to Dr. Faith Drew:
This ritual worked because Cameron and Quinn were willing to try something different that felt fair to each of them, not because it suddenly solved sleep deprivation, work demands, or the challenges of having a 3-month-old.
Instead of debating whose way of coping was “right,” they created a structure that acknowledged that they were having different experiences during the transition back to work. The alternating bedtime routine gave Quinn protected time to finish work without feeling guilty, gave Cameron a clear and supportive role in the evening routine, and, most importantly, created a pathway back to couple time.
In the postpartum period, a successful ritual of connection can simply mean reorganizing the evening so there is enough time and energy left to sit together on the couch. Small starts can make a big difference.
First Saturday
Stewart and Rebecca had actually started couples therapy shortly before their now 4-month-old twins, Fin and Harper, were born. Even before the twins were born, one of their recurring struggles was feeling unappreciated and taken for granted, along with a shared fear that once they became parents, they would be living entirely for the kids and slowly losing their identity as a couple.
After the twins arrived, they knew they needed to be intentional about protecting their relationship. They created a “First Saturday” ritual: Stewart’s mom comes over the first Saturday morning of every month to watch the babies for a few hours. Stewart makes breakfast reservations, and afterward they take a lap around a pond at a nearby park when the weather cooperates. Part of the ritual is sharing at least one specific thing they appreciate about the other or something they noticed that month.
Why this ritual worked according to Dr. Faith Drew:
This ritual is so powerful because it combines verbal appreciation with the intentional act of noticing and seeing each other. Their First Saturday creates a protected space for them to step outside the constant demands of caring for twins and remember, We are still a couple, too.
For Rebecca, Stewart taking responsibility for making the reservation and coordinating childcare was itself an act of appreciation. She didn’t have to carry the mental load of making their connection happen. Adding the practice of naming something specific they appreciate takes it one step further. Instead of assuming their partner knows they are grateful, they say it out loud.
In the postpartum period, when so much attention understandably shifts toward the baby, or in their case two babies, being noticed by your partner can be profoundly connecting. Rituals of appreciation help couples continue to see each other as more than Mom and Dad — as the person they chose, love, and don’t want to take for granted.
Each of these couples noticed one small thing that was already working, and they protected it. That’s the true skill worth honing: paying attention to what’s already working in your relationship and then choosing to keep doing it, especially on the nights it feels impossible.
More rituals of connection to try
Those three moments won’t look like everyone’s. If you’re still figuring out what fits your relationship, here are more starting points, organized by what they ask of you: touch, time, words, or a small gesture.
Physical touch is one of the fastest ways to signal safety to a nervous system running on very little sleep.
- A six-second kiss, or “mini vacation,” a term coined by the Gottman Institute
- Snuggling as a couple or with your kids
- Trading massages, or massaging the baby together
- Dancing
- Brushing your teeth side by side
Date night in
- Watching a movie
- Playing a board game during the baby’s nap
- Watching a show set in a specific culture and ordering that cuisine as takeout
- Reading on the couch, then checking in with each other over a glass of wine
Write each other notes
- Writing down one win from the day, in a note for yourself and one for your partner
- Using a gratitude notepad to leave a note during the night feeds [TEAM: this Amazon link carries long tracking parameters — want me to swap in a clean product URL, or is the current one intentional?]
- Trying 4 therapist-tested gratitude resources from our team
Have a 5-minute check-in
A regular check-in gives you a container for the conversation instead of leaving it to chance. For more structure than what’s below, CC’s CPR framework walks through exactly how to run one.
Questions to ask each other:
- What’s going well?
- What could be going better?
- How can I support you?
Give a thoughtful gift or coupon
- Letting your partner sleep in
- Taking older kids out of the house to give your partner a break
- Buying comfy pajamas, bonus points for a matching baby outfit
- Gifting a massage or a head massager
Make the ritual stick
Vague intentions rarely survive a sleep-deprived season with a new baby. The couples who make a ritual last get specific: what it is, when it happens, and who’s responsible for making it happen.
Name it. Get specific about what the ritual is and why it matters to each of you, not just “we should connect more.”
Anchor it. Attach it to something that already happens daily, brushing teeth, the first five minutes after the baby’s down, so it doesn’t need its own slot on the calendar.
Assign it. Decide who initiates and what happens if a day gets missed. A ritual that depends on someone remembering during a 3am feed will not survive.
You may be surprised by how a ritual that starts in infancy can become a cornerstone of family life. Alternating bedtime nights, for example, can evolve as your child grows — giving each parent meaningful one-on-one time while the other gets a chance to recharge or prepare for the next day. The routine may change, but the connection and appreciation can last for years. Couples further out from this stage, two or three years in, often say the ritual itself became almost automatic. They kept doing it long after the reason they started faded.
Fostering your friendship in postpartum doesn’t require waiting for the exact right moment. It just requires picking one small thing and sticking to it.
Related: What Partners Need to Know About Postpartum Anxiety and Postpartum Depression | Connect Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling, Transition to Parenthood | Connect Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling
FAQs: Rituals of connection in the postpartum period
What if my partner isn’t interested in trying rituals of connection?
It’s common for one partner to feel more ready to prioritize connection than the other, especially in a week where one of you is more sleep-deprived or overwhelmed than the other. Start with the smallest version of a ritual, something that takes less than two minutes, and offer it as an invitation rather than a demand.
If your partner still isn’t engaging after a few weeks, that pattern may be worth bringing into a session with a couples therapist. It can point to something bigger than a scheduling conflict.
Is it normal to feel disconnected from your partner postpartum?
Yes. Feeling disconnected after a baby arrives is one of the most common experiences new parents report, rather than a sign your relationship is failing. Sleep loss, hormonal shifts, and the demands of caring for a newborn pull attention and energy away from the relationship for both partners, often at the same time. Reaching toward each other in small, low-effort ways, even when you don’t feel especially close, tends to matter more for long-term connection than how disconnected you feel in any given week.
If the disconnection feels less like distance and more like resentment, dread, or a loss of interest in reconnecting altogether, that shift is worth bringing up with a couples therapist rather than hoping it resolves on its own.
Could my disconnection be a sign of postpartum depression?
Sometimes. General disconnection in postpartum is common and often improves as sleep and routines stabilize. Postpartum depression and anxiety are different: they tend to come with persistent sadness, anxiety, irritability, or a loss of interest in things you used to enjoy, not just distance from your partner.
If either of you is noticing those symptoms lasting more than two weeks, What Partners Need to Know About Postpartum Anxiety and Postpartum Depression walks through what to watch for and how to get support, and it’s worth bringing to a doctor or therapist instead of waiting to see if it passes.