Compromise in a relationship can feel like an uphill battle. If you give in and give up, you feel defeated. If you dig your heels in and refuse to waver, you feel guilty. Yet, Dr. John Gottman, co-founder of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, emphasizes that compromising in a marriage is not just a nice-to-have—it’s a crucial skill for couples to thrive.
Why is compromising so tricky? We all can hold deeply rooted beliefs on various topics, whether deciding to move to a new town with our family or simply figuring out where to go on your next date night. We each have thoughts, feelings, needs, and ideas we want our partners to understand on any given topic or issue.
However, if we stubbornly insist on our way of solving the problem or managing the decision-making, we risk becoming gridlocked with our partner. This often leads to partners acquiescing: “Fine. I guess we’ll just do it your way” or just agreeing to disagree, typically leaving both partners feeling defeated, unresolved, and even resentful toward each other.
In order for couples to have more successful compromises, you must learn to “bend and not break.” Similarly, according to Dr. Gottman, you must “yield to win.”
How to compromise in a relationship: Yield to win
Gottman discusses the concept of “yield to win” as a key mindset in approaching compromise with your partner. Yield to win refers to a core philosophy in Aikido, a Japanese martial art known as “the art of peace.” This principle involves using your sparring partner’s energy and movements instead of opposing them. During a sparring session in Aikido, if you move toward your partner, you won’t face physical resistance; instead, your partner will flow with your momentum, joining and guiding you in the direction they choose. By yielding to you, they take control of the action.
In a relationship, yield to win means working with one another instead of against. If you can take in your partner’s perspective with care and respect, you’ll find a greater opportunity for a more meaningful compromise. When you yield to win, neither partner gives up or gives in, making a “win-win.”
So, the next time you are trying to reach a compromise with your partner, consider these six tips to ensure that you are better able to bend and not break.
6 tips for improving compromise in a relationship
Consider this common scenario between Jo and Alex:
Jo and Alex are discussing plans for an upcoming family summer vacation. Jo would like to go to the beach where she went with her family growing up, and Alex would like to go somewhere adventurous and new. Jo and Alex can more easily find meaningful compromise when they use the following six tips.
1. Your solution is not the only solution.
In any partnership, it’s important to remember that your solution is not the only solution. Approaching problems with a “we, not just me” mentality fosters a collaborative environment where both partners feel valued and heard. This mindset encourages open dialogue and creativity, allowing for a range of potential solutions to emerge. When you focus on a mutually beneficial outcome, you and your partner can strengthen your bond and work together more effectively.
A “me” mentality might sound like:
Jo to Alex: “Summer vacations down at the beach are just what you do in my family. I have so many memories there. I could not imagine breaking tradition.”
A compromising, “we” mentality may sound more like:
Jo to Alex: “Summer vacations down at the beach are very special to me, but I can also understand your need for adventure and newness. I can really appreciate that change can be good sometimes.”
Jo used a “we vs. me” mentality by shifting from focusing solely on personal traditions and memories to acknowledging and appreciating Alex’s desire for new experiences. This shift will signal to Alex that she is also considering his perspective.
2. Understand your core needs.
Knowing your core needs is crucial for successful compromise. Core needs are generally under the surface. Your needs are often tied to your values, life experiences, and long-term goals. For example, you may be longing for connection, honoring your family of origin in some way, or simply feeling a sense of achievement.
When you clearly understand what you must have in a situation, it becomes easier to communicate your needs to your partner. This self-awareness helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures that both partners work towards a solution that honors each person’s essential requirements.
Jo’s core need may be centered around the sentimental value family tradition holds for her. She has such happy memories of her family vacations down at the beach, and her dream has always been to introduce her spouse and children to this special place one day. Expressing this core need to link her present family to the joys she experienced as a child is very important to her.
Expressing a core need may sound like:
Jo: “Now that I am really thinking about it, I think I just really value family time and honoring family traditions because they have created such fond memories for me and I want to be able to pass that along to our children.”
Alex may not feel as attached to family vacation traditions because his family didn’t take many vacations when he was young. When they did go on vacation, they visited different places each time due to frequent moves during his childhood. Alex’s core need is rooted in new experiences and adventure—he finds value in seeing and experiencing different places.
Alex expressing his core need may sound like:
“As I reflect on why our perspectives differ on this topic, I realize that my family didn’t have many traditions. We moved around a lot, never staying in one place long enough to feel rooted. My parents always framed each move as ‘a new adventure,’ and I believe this is why I value new experiences—because that’s how my family approached life.”
In order to move through their compromise, both partners need to see the validity and value in each other’s core needs. Identifying the core need will help with tip five: exploring the deeper meaning.
3. Resist inflexibility.
Inflexibility can be a significant barrier to effective compromise. It can be tempting to dig our heels into our perspective. However, when one or both partners are unwilling to bend or consider alternative perspectives, it creates a stalemate.
Flexibility, on the other hand, allows for adaptability and growth within the relationship. You create a more harmonious and cooperative dynamic when you’re open to different approaches and willing to adjust your stance. Being flexible in compromise allows you to accept influence, a key concept in conflict management. As Dr. Gottman says, “You can only be influential if you accept influence.”
An inflexible conversation may sound like:
Jo: “Well, this is what I have done since I was a little girl, and I am not going to give that up.”
Alex: “Going on the same vacation every year is so boring. Doing something different and exciting is more of what our family needs. ”
Jo and Alex’s inflexible positions keep them stuck because Jo insists on maintaining her childhood tradition without compromise. At the same time, Alex is adamant that their family needs new and exciting experiences, leaving no room for mutual understanding or a balanced solution.
A flexible conversation may sound like:
Jo: “While I really value family tradition, I can also see why adventure and trying new things means so much to you. New adventures can be fun and exciting.”
Alex: “ Even though I did not experience a ton of family traditions growing up, listening to how those experiences had such a positive impact on you, I can see why they are important to you.”
4. Listen to understand vs. listen to defend.
When we start to feel tension and inflexibility, it’s time to slow down. One of the biggest challenges in compromising is the tendency to listen to defend rather than to understand. When you listen with the intent to defend your position, you miss the opportunity to truly hear your partner’s perspective.
Active listening involves fully engaging with what your partner is saying, asking questions for clarity, and reflecting back on what you’ve heard. This practice fosters empathy and strengthens the foundation for finding common ground.
Listening to defend sounds like:
Jo: (trying to get Alex to understand her point of view) “You have to understand why this is so important to me. This is a decades-old family tradition that I would love our family to continue.”
Alex: (defending, not listening): “There you go again, just thinking about what you want. I really struggle with the thought of going to the same place, doing the same thing every summer. It’s just ridiculous to me.”
Listening to understand sounds like:
Jo: (trying to get Alex to understand her point of view) “You have to understand why this is so important to me. This is a decades-old family tradition that I would love our family to continue.”
Alex: (listening to understand): “Ok, before I jump to my perspective on this, let me make sure I understand what you are saying. I can hear that a family vacation down at the beach is important to you—lots of memories, quality family time, maybe a little slower than what I am used to? Can you tell me more about your time down there? What was it like?
Alex’s more exploratory approach is great; it will lead to a deeper understanding as we hear her stories about family vacations at the beach.
5. Explore the deeper meaning.
Compromise requires a willingness to explore the deeper meaning behind your partner’s position. This goes hand-in-hand with core needs. It’s essential to fully understand their perspective before jumping into solution mode. You’ll need to ask probing questions and be genuinely curious about your partner’s feelings and motivations.
When you explore the deeper meaning, you demonstrate respect for your partner’s viewpoint and create a space for more meaning to come forward.
Exploring the deeper meaning sounds like:
Jo: (sharing stories with Alex about her special memories of the beach):
“Thank you for asking more about this. Just thinking back on those times makes my heart happy. I can understand why doing the “same vacation” every year sounds boring, but as a kid, it was what I looked forward to all year.
We would search for seashells with my grandmother every morning and go crab hunting with my grandpa in the evenings. Fishing off the pier was a must, and hitting the arcade afterward was always so fun.
We would snack on all the goodies my grandmother brought down all week, and the ice cream shop that’s been there forever still stands—mint chocolate chip is my favorite. I’ve never really said this out loud until now, but continuing some of these traditions feels like a way to honor my grandparents, who were so special to me growing up.”
Alex: (attuning to her experience and recognizing the deeper meaning): “Wow. All of that sounds like a lot of fun, and I can totally see how “little Jo” would look forward to doing that each summer. I also know how special your grandparents were to you, and hearing some of those memories helps me understand that bond a little more.”
Jo: (sounding relieved that he is beginning to understand) “Yes, you got it. Thank you for taking time to listen. Sharing that beach spot with you and our kids is really special to me.”
6. Compromise as teammates: “Compromise with me like you love me.”
Approaching compromise as adversaries rather than teammates can be detrimental to the relationship. Instead, strive to compromise with the mindset of “compromise with me like you love me.” Approach disagreements with kindness, patience, and a genuine desire to find a resolution that benefits you and your partner.
When you see each other as teammates working towards a common goal, compromising becomes an act of love and partnership rather than a battle to to win.
Compromise as teammates sounds like:
Alex : “I am really starting to see how much family beach vacation means to you. I love you and don’t want you to feel like you have to sacrifice that very special part of you. Let’s head to the beach this year, and you can introduce the kids and me to all the awesome things you mentioned while possibly finding some new things to try while we are there. And maybe we can work on alternating the family beach trip with a new trip every other year or something. What do you think about that?
Jo: “That sounds like a great idea. The town over has a really cool zip line course and four-wheeler excursions that we never got to do. I love doing fun and exciting things with you. I’m really open to alternating trips because I know finding new places to enjoy is so important to you.”
Ready for better compromises in your relationship?
You and your partner will not agree on everything—this is entirely normal and okay. What is most important is the space you create for one another to work toward a solution that works for both of you. The concept of compromising can be difficult for many couples. If you and your partner struggle to compromise your relationship, couples therapy can be a thoughtful next step to examine your barriers and learn how to sharpen your compromising skills.
Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.