Let’s face it—stress is a universal experience that can infiltrate every aspect of our lives, including our relationships. Whether it’s work, parenting differences, or health concerns, stress is often an unavoidable part of daily life. But what exactly is stress, and how does it impact our relationships?
In order to understand how stress impacts our relationships, let’s define what stress actually is. Stress is a normal reaction to everyday pressures, but it becomes unhealthy when it interferes with daily functioning. It affects nearly every system in the body, influencing how we feel, think, and behave. Similarly, the American Institute of Stress defines stress as the body’s nonspecific response to any demand—whether positive or negative.
There are several different types of stress we may encounter:
- Eustress – Often referred to as “good” stress, eustress comes from positive experiences like planning a wedding, graduating, or receiving a promotion. It’s energizing and motivating.
- Distress – This is the “bad” stress, typically stemming from negative events like job loss, divorce, or punishment. It can feel overwhelming and hard to manage.
- Acute stress – This type of stress comes on suddenly and is usually unpredictable, such as being in a car accident or even hearing sudden loud noises, like a fire engine horn. It activates the body’s fight-or-flight response.
- Chronic stress – These are ongoing stressors that impact daily life, such as financial struggles, a high-pressure job, or a difficult home environment. When left unchecked, chronic stress can lead to physical and emotional health issues.
No matter the type, stress has a direct impact on our relationships. Research shows that stress not only impacts how partners feel day-to-day—it also shifts their perception of each other. When people face external stressors, they’re less likely to see their partner in a positive light and zero in on their partner’s negative behaviors.
In fact, couples seek therapy because they’re struggling to manage stress together. Stress can affect how we connect and communicate, whether it’s difficulty listening to your partner’s work-related frustrations or feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to ask for help. That’s why learning how to talk openly about stress and support each other through it is essential for maintaining a healthy, resilient relationship.
How stress affects a relationship
Stress in relationships can stem from both internal and external sources, and both can significantly impact a couple’s dynamic. Internal stress arises from issues within the relationship itself—such as when partners try to create a monthly budget together and tension builds because one or both feel blamed or criticized for past overspending. These moments can trigger feelings of shame or defensiveness, creating emotional distance.
On the other hand, external stress originates outside the relationship. For example, one partner may come home and vent about a tough day at work. While the stress isn’t between the two partners, it still affects the relationship, as both individuals emotionally engage with and hold space for that stress.
Understanding the difference between internal and external stress can help couples navigate challenges with greater empathy and support.
Emotional flooding
When you and your partner are experiencing stress together or processing an external stressor, it is possible for one or both of you to become emotionally flooded or experience diffuse physiological arousal (DPA). When someone is flooded, their body releases stress hormones that change how the body and mind operate. Breathing starts to change, muscles might tense up, the heart races, and you might experience dry mouth or start to sweat.
What does emotional flooding look like in a relationship? Imagine a couple disagreeing about how to spend their upcoming weekend. One partner craves rest and downtime, while the other is eager to make social plans and connect with friends. As each holds firmly to their needs, the conversation escalates—voices rise, and frustration builds.
Soon, they slip into destructive patterns: one partner criticizes, and the other becomes defensive. Emotions intensify—perhaps one begins to cry while the other withdraws into silence. These reactions are classic signs of emotional flooding, when the nervous system becomes overwhelmed and communication breaks down.
So what can a couple do to keep stress from taking a toll on their relationship? Below are three key strategies to help.
3 strategies for couples to reduce stress together
Having tools readily available, regardless of the type of stress you experience as a couple, can help you effectively and confidently work together. This proactive approach can help you and your partner manage stress as it arises, preventing it from compiling over time.
1. Initiate a stress-reducing conversation.
Try a stress-reducing conversation if you can determine that the stress is external to the relationship. Remember, external stressors are stressors outside the relationship, such as work stress, an argument with a friend, or an unexpected parking ticket. Stress-reducing conversations help the receiving partner learn how to hold space for their partner’s stress, rather than immediately trying to fix it.
Jumping into problem-solving too quickly can even add to the stress and create more tension. Often, what a partner needs most in those moments is to simply feel heard and validated. Once they feel supported, they’re usually more open to suggestions—just be sure to ask if that’s what they’re looking for before offering advice.
Example:
After a tough day at work, Alex comes home feeling frustrated about a conflict with a coworker. Instead of jumping into problem-solving, his partner, Jordan, sits with him on the couch and says, “Want to talk about it? I’m here to listen.”
Alex shares what happened, while Jordan listens without judgment, offering empathy and validation: “That sounds so frustrating—I’d feel the same way.” They avoid interrupting or offering advice unless asked. By the end of the conversation, Alex feels heard and supported, and their connection is strengthened despite the external stress.
2. Try the speaker-listener exercise.
If the stress seems to be more internal, between you and your partner, try a speaker-listener exercise. This exercise is ideal when both partners are experiencing the same stressor and struggle to communicate their feelings and needs. The difference between this exercise and the stress-reducing conversation is that both partners express their perspectives and needs and provide a summary and validation.
Example:
Taylor and Sam have been feeling tension around household chores. They decide to try the speaker-listener technique.
Taylor (using a soft start-up): “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately because I feel like I’m doing a lot of the cleaning each day in the apartment, and I think I need us to work together more on some of these chores.
Sam (summarizes and validates): “So, it sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with the daily chores around here. Is that right? (Taylor confirms with a nod). “I know it’s hard to juggle all of this and work full time like you do, let’s make a list of things we can both do so it does not become so overwhelming.”
Taylor: Sounds good. Thank you for hearing me out.
Sam: Anytime. We both have a lot to handle — running a house together and working full-time is a lot. I feel stressed around chores when I come home from work and you list everything that needs to be done before we even really greet one another. While I think the list will help, I just need you to trust me and know I’ll get it done.
Taylor: I get it. I can see how it’s a real downer to come home and one of the first things you hear from me is the list of chores we need to tackle. I’ll definitely be more mindful of that moving forward.
3. Schedule a weekly check-in.
If you are looking for ways to avoid built-up stress, try a weekly check-in using a format called CPR.
Example:
C (Compliment): What can you compliment yourself or your partner on?
“I’m proud of myself for sticking to my meal prep plan this week.”
“You did a great job getting the kids to all their afternoon activities this week.”
P (Problem): Talk about something solvable that has been a struggle for you this past week and where your partner can offer support.
“I’ve been having a hard time getting the kids to keep the playroom tidy. Would you be willing to help me reinforce this with them?”
R (Resolution): What can offer to help you partner with their stressors?
“Yeah, that playroom can get out of hand sometimes. I’ll be sure to remind them as soon as they get home from school to check the playroom and make sure it’s in order before they start on homework. Does that work?”
While these three strategies won’t eliminate stress entirely, they can help you manage it more effectively as a team—reducing tension and allowing you to refocus on enjoying life together rather than getting stuck in the stress.
Need more help?
Learning to manage stress together is an essential part of building a healthy, lasting relationship. By improving communication, offering mutual support, and recognizing how internal and external stress can affect your dynamic, couples can grow stronger through life’s challenges. However, if stress continues to create tension or disconnection despite your efforts, it may be time to seek extra support.
Couples therapy can provide a safe space to deepen understanding, build healthier patterns, and navigate stress more effectively—together. Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, or Texas. Contact us to get started.