Do you ever ask yourself questions like “How can I take time for myself without neglecting my partner?” or “Can I really have a successful relationship if I feel like I’m always putting myself last?” Whether you are newlyweds in the honeymoon phase of your marriage or recently retired empty nesters, finding ways to navigate “me time” or “we time” can be a struggle for any couple.
So, how can you find the right mix of alone time and quality time together? If you strive for relationship balance, you should first explore why me time is so important.
Quick answer: A healthy relationship needs both protected alone time (me time) and intentional quality time (we time). Me time recharges you as an individual; we time keeps you connected as a couple. The balance is personal to each couple, and it usually takes an honest conversation to find it.
Takeaways:
- Me time is self-care — the deliberate things you do for your physical, mental, and emotional health.
- We time is quality time: undivided, uninterrupted, one-on-one connection.
- Neither partner has to want the same amount. Talking about the difference is the work.
- Protecting your alone time tends to make you a more present partner, not a more distant one.
What is “me time?”
We all need time to ourselves. Alone time is critical to recharge and refresh our mind, body, and spirit. Me time is self-care. But what is self-care exactly? Simply put, self-care is the deliberate things you do for your physical, mental, and emotional health.
The term self-care has become quite popular over the years, and for good reason. Many self-care practices are linked to longevity and other positive health outcomes. Regular self-care routines help us become the best versions of ourselves, allowing us to be better partners, colleagues, parents, friends, etc.
A study by Torres-Soto, Corral-Verdugo, and Corral-Frías (2022) found that people who practice self-care also engage in prosocial actions like supporting and helping others. In other words, taking care of yourself gives you good energy to bring back to your relationship.
On a deeper level, and perhaps more specific to romantic relationships, it’s crucial that we feel like individuals within our relationships and know that we are nourishing our own basic needs. The goal in a healthy relationship is to find the balance between connection as a couple while maintaining your identity as a separate person.
Celebrated individuality can foster happiness, cultivate interest and exploration, and increase connection and intimacy with your partner. How do you balance individuality and togetherness? Read on for tips to find a balance that works for your relationship.
How can you foster “me time” and self-care in your relationship?
Being selfish might be necessary – it is okay to focus on your needs. If you are able to take care of yourself, you are more likely to bring your best self to your relationship. We know it’s not easy to focus on yourself if you aren’t in the habit of it. Here are a few tips:
- Know which activities fill your cup.
Be sure to maintain a regular cadence of activities that help you experience joy. - Try new things that promote positive growth.
For instance, take up golf lessons and then report back to your partner what you like about it and what you find challenging. It is okay to have a hobby that is different from your partner’s. - Keep your “me” time sacred.
Try setting aside a regularly scheduled time so you have a routine to look forward to. - Be realistic.
It’s essential to consider how much self-care time you need to feel balanced. - Be respectful.
Try not to impose your idea of self-care on your partner. For example, if your idea of self-care is more relaxing, like getting a massage, and your partner values more physical activity, like running, be mindful that neither is wrong and both serve the same purpose. - Share how focusing on yourself allows you to bring your best self to your relationship.
For instance, you declined to meet your partner and friends for dinner to instead stay home and rest. When your partner comes home, share how a part of you wanted to be together, but because you rested, you are much more pleasant to be around today and have more energy for the “we” time.
Now that you know how important ” me ” time is, let’s take a look at “we” time.
What is “we time?”
Is quality time with your partner adventurous, relaxing, or a mix of both? Like fostering self-care time, it’s helpful to ask yourself and your partner, “What fills your cup?” This question helps you understand what keeps you and your partner feeling refreshed and connected in your relationship. Keep in mind this may change over time — what you enjoyed doing in your 20s with your partner may be different in your 50s.
According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, one of the key components to a successful relationship is to know and feel known by your partner. In other words, having access to your partner’s inner world is vital to the health of your relationship as you both change and grow over time. This is what Dr. Gottman calls “updating your love map,” which can happen organically through spending quality time together. “We” time is necessary to foster greater connection and enhance the quality of your relationship.
How can you encourage thoughtful “we time” and quality time in your relationship?
The definition of ‘we time” can absolutely vary by couple. For some, it’s being in the same room together. For others, it’s each person doing independent activities. And for other couples, “we time” is direct engagement with one another. Each person might have different needs or preferences – that is okay! It’s important to talk about what your needs are and how they might differ from your spouse’s.
Here are some pointers for creating more meaningful quality time with your partner.
Talk about it!
Feel free to talk with your partner about which activities you do together that help you feel close to them.
Try something new.
Even if the activity is outside your comfort zone, do it anyway! You’ll get a glimpse into your partner’s inner world, and you may learn something new about them.
Make time to make time.
Nothing communicates “you are important to me” more than prioritizing time with your partner so they know they are special to you.
Set expectations.
Talk with your partner about how often you need to spend quality time with them, and like self-care, make sure it’s meaningful and realistic.
Try using Love Map card decks.
This excellent twofold activity helps you feel known by your partner and serves as a positive quality-time activity. Give it a try during your next date night. If you want quality time to land, it also helps to put your phones down and reconnect so your attention is fully on each other.
Remember, quality time is possible – customize what works for you, even if that is just being in the same room together or doing the same activity over and over again with your partner.
Quality time with your partner is “undivided and uninterrupted one-on-one time together” (Dr. Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages). Quality time is leaning in and allowing your partner to be front and center. Everyday moments count too. The way you respond to your partner’s bids for connection — a question, a shared song, a hand reaching for yours — is quality time in miniature.
Engaging in activities that help you experience your partner positively will inevitably open the door to curiosity, closeness, and connection.
Common questions about balancing me time and we time
How much me time is healthy in a relationship?
There’s no fixed number of weekly hours or minutes. A healthy amount is enough that you return to your partner feeling recharged rather than depleted. If your alone time consistently leaves your partner feeling shut out, or if you never feel like you get any alone time, that’s the signal to talk it through together.
What does “me time vs. we time” actually mean?
Me time is intentional time on your own for self-care and personal interests. We time is quality time spent connecting as a couple. Both are necessary. One keeps you whole as an individual; the other keeps you close as partners.
Is wanting alone time a sign of a problem in the relationship?
Usually the opposite. Wanting time to yourself is a normal need, rather than a rejection of your partner. As Dr. John Gottman puts it, “There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy.”
What if my partner and I need very different amounts of time together?
That’s common. The goal isn’t to want the exact same thing. When you open up the conversation about “me vs we time,” you name the difference out loud and find a rhythm you both agree to, so neither person feels smothered or neglected.
Balancing “me time” and “we time”
We know not every couple is the same – but did you know that? It is difficult not to compare your relationship to those perfectly curated social media posts of couples and think that they need to be together a certain way. However, at Connect Couples Therapy, we work with a variety of couples to help them figure out what balance looks like for them. We know some couples prefer more engagement and stimulation than others – we also know some couples are very content and happy sharing the same space together, but doing independent tasks. A mix of both can be normal and healthy!
Dr. John Gottman says, “There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy.” If you are feeling this relational tug-of-war, don’t fret! A couples intensive or ongoing couples therapy could be just what you and your partner need to find balance in your relationship.