Many people believe empathy is something you’re born with—but in truth, it’s a skill you can practice. And in a world that can feel heavy and overwhelming, empathy is an unsung hero. But what is empathy, and how can you cultivate it?
Whether you’re trying to reconnect with your partner, support a friend through a difficult time, or navigate workplace tension, empathy helps us tune in without taking over. Empathy can also be practiced, refined, and strengthened over time.
In this guide, we’ll explore what empathy is (and what it’s not) and how you can learn to be more empathetic —especially in the context of connection and conflict.
What is empathy in relationships?
Empathy is the quiet superpower that lets us momentarily step out of ourselves and into someone else’s world. Empathy is more than just saying “I understand.” It’s the ability to emotionally resonate with someone else’s experience—without hijacking the moment or making it about you.
Biologically, empathy is rooted in mirror neurons—special cells that activate not only when we feel an emotion but when we witness someone else feel it. Psychologically, it’s the difference between saying “I get it” and actually getting it — emotionally, intuitively, and without judgment.
Unlike sympathy (“I feel sorry for you”), empathy says, “I’m here with you in it.”
Empathy allows you to:
- Notice the micro-shifts in your partner’s tone or body language
- Hold space for discomfort without fixing
- Connect even when you disagree
In practice, empathy shows up in small, invisible gestures: the friend who listens without interrupting, the stranger who offers kindness without knowing your story, the therapist who tracks your unspoken grief like a second heartbeat. It’s not always easy. It demands imagination, vulnerability, and a willingness to pause our own narratives to witness someone else’s.
But in a world that often prizes speed and self-focus, empathy is a radical act of connection. It’s how we build bridges in conflict, soften the sharp edges of misunderstanding, and remind each other, in subtle and powerful ways, that no one is truly alone. And while these examples may seem like a curious second nature of the people who are “listeners”, empathy is a skill that can be worked on and developed.
Why empathy matters in conflict and connection
Empathy is powerful when things feel messy. In couples therapy, we often see how a simple moment of empathy can soften defensive walls. It’s part of what helps people feel seen—even and especially during hard conversations or conflict.
It allows us to:
- Respond instead of react
- De-escalate tension,
- Rebuild trust when it’s been strained
In short, empathy enables us to be better friends, better partners, and better people. It may not always be easy, but empathy is teachable, trainable, and buildable.
How to build empathy as a skill
Like learning how to ride a bike, empathy takes practice, intention, and a willingness to get it wrong sometimes. It’s not just about “being nice.” It’s about learning how to listen with all of the senses, observing body language, tone, and timing, and how to ask questions with the intention of understanding and discovering.
The myth that some people are just naturally empathetic keeps many of us from realizing that empathy is something we can build and refine. You don’t have to be the “emotional one” to grow empathy. These are a few ways to build it like a muscle:
Slow it down
Developing empathy begins with slowing down. We live in a society that emphasizes efficiency and expediency. Empathy asks us to linger. That means being fully present in the conversation or moment. Here are a few examples of slowing down and feeling what isn’t being said.
- Kim and Joe are having a tough conversation about building their family. As Joe begins to speak, Kim senses a shift. Joe hesitates on the word “fertility.” His voice trembles ever so slightly, and his eyes drift to the floor. He falls quiet. Kim doesn’t interrupt or rush to fill the silence. Instead, she softens her tone and sits with the discomfort, realizing Joe isn’t just talking, he’s hurting. Her presence, quiet and open, becomes an invitation for him to keep going.
- At a local swim meet, Rick is watching his friend Charles compete. As the buzzer sounds, Rick finds his own heartbeat syncing with the rhythm of the race. He’s not in the water, but he feels the pressure. When Charles surges past third place and into second, Rick’s body tenses with excitement, his voice rising above the crowd. In that moment, empathy isn’t about hurt; it’s about joy, adrenaline, and shared investment in someone else’s triumph.
- Serena is standing behind a family in the airport security line. The mother’s arms are full with bags, kids, tickets, and her voice is strained with the weight of it all. The father is distracted, speaking with an agent. Serena notices a diaper bag slipping off a shoulder and a toddler tugging at the mom’s sleeve. Without hesitation, Serena offers a hand, a smile, and the kind of help that says “I see you, and you don’t have to do this alone.”
In each of these situations, the person experiencing empathy didn’t have to say or do anything special to feel the emotions in the room and show up for the other person. It took a pause, a listen, a hand.
Ask curious questions
When we ask curiosity-led questions, we open the door to understanding another person’s perspective. And the more we do it, the more natural it becomes. We can be quick to judge, advise, or explain, especially when caught up in the heat of a conversation.
When we take a step back and get curious about what the other person is feeling and why, we sharpen our empathy skills. Try asking:
- What was it like for you when…?
- What has been the hardest part for you?
- What do you need right now?
- What do you wish I understood about what you’re feeling?
- Can you tell me more about that?
- How did that make you feel?
- Have you felt this way before?
These questions shift us out of judgment and into connection.
We don’t have to feel the same way about a situation as anyone else, but it helps to understand why someone feels the way they do. When we do, it helps foster effective communication, builds meaningful connections, and helps us digest that other people’s experiences are often different from our own.
Intentionally step outside your bubble
We deepen empathy when we stretch beyond our own lived experience. This could be as simple as watching a film or reading a novel centered on someone whose life looks nothing like yours.
Other times, it’s internal: pausing in line at the store to wonder what kind of day the cashier is having, or catching yourself mid-argument and asking, “What might be going on for this person?” Empathy grows when we intentionally step outside our bubble and expand our lens.
A little empathy goes a long way
You don’t have to be the world’s greatest listener to show empathy; starting small can go a long way. And just like riding that bike, you can always get back in the seat after a spill.
Empathy softens defensiveness, builds resilience in relationships, and helps you navigate conflict without dehumanizing the other side. At Connect Couples Therapy, we help individuals and couples build emotional connection, navigate conflict, and repair communication breakdowns.
FAQ: Empathy and relationships
Is empathy born or learned?
Both—while some people may be more naturally attuned, empathy can absolutely be learned and practiced.
How do you show empathy in a relationship?
By listening without fixing, validating without rushing, and showing up with genuine curiosity and care.
What’s the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Empathy is the ability to understand and share another person’s feelings, whereas sympathy is feeling pity for someone’s misfortune without necessarily sharing their emotions. In other words, empathy is about “feeling with,” while sympathy is about “feeling for” them.