Last Updated on February 5, 2025
“Conflict is connection. It’s how we figure out who we are, what we want, who our partners are and who they are becoming, and what they want. It’s how we bridge our differences and find our similarities, our points of connection. The problem is, we haven’t been taught how to do it right.” – Dr. Julie Gottman
What if I told you that conflict could actually deepen connection in relationships—would you believe it? Renowned relationship experts and researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, explore this idea in their groundbreaking new book, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection. They discuss that while conflict is an inevitable and normal part of any relationship, the real secret lies in how couples manage their disagreements. In other words, having a healthy and happy relationship is not about avoiding conflict but rather knowing how to effectively and meaningfully manage it when it does arise.
Conflict is often labeled as a negative in our society, especially within relationships. While it can indeed be uncomfortable and emotionally charged, conflict doesn’t have to create a barrier to connection with your partner. According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, navigating disagreements respectfully and constructively can foster resilience and deepen your understanding of each other’s feelings, dreams, desires, and needs.
In this article, we’ll dive into the key elements of conflict that can help you and your partner better understand your patterns of disagreement. By gaining insight into how you fight, you can build confidence in managing conflict and work toward greater relational satisfaction—even when challenges arise.
Before we discuss strategies for managing conflict to foster connection, let’s explore the different conflict styles. Understanding how you and your partner tend to approach disagreements is an essential step toward improving your ability to navigate and resolve them together.
What is your conflict style?
In Fight Right, the Gottmans identify three distinct conflict styles: Avoiders, Validators, and Volatiles. These styles are shaped by various factors, including how our family of origin handled disagreements and emotions—one of the strongest predictors of how we navigate conflict. Additionally, it’s essential to recognize that conflict styles exist on a spectrum. While you may naturally gravitate toward one style, elements of other styles can occasionally influence your conflict dynamics.
Avoiders
People with an avoidant conflict style may feel anxious and fearful of arguments. They may shut down more easily or go quiet in the middle of an argument. If an avoider is mad about a constant pile of dirty dishes in the sink, they would much rather just wash the dishes than argue about it. Avoiders tend to the “agree to disagree” path in an argument.
Volatiles
Typical volatiles tend to be intense and passionate about their point of view. They are not scared to express their emotions and may even enjoy a good debate with their partner. However, their behavior can go south if they become more interested in determining who is right and who is wrong in an argument.
Validators
While this may seem like the “ideal” conflict style, and in many ways, it is, validators can be too quick to problem-solve. Validators value sharing their feelings and making sure they and their partner feel completely heard and understood before they can move on.
Once you have a good idea of your conflict style, you can take it further to understand how you interpret your and your partner’s feelings during an argument. Understanding conflict style can help deepen your understanding of what is churning under the surface of a fight.
Feelings in fights
When we are engaged in conflict, not only do we experience the emotional and even physical effects of our feelings, but we also have certain beliefs, biases, and various lived experiences regarding our feelings and the feelings of others. For instance, while one partner may perceive intense expressions of anger as normal with little to no negative association with the feeling, the other may view anger as terrifying and find it extremely difficult to engage with that feeling.
Ultimately, how we behave during conflict reveals a great deal about our relationship with meta-emotions, or “how we feel about our feelings.” Meta-emotions shape how we process and express emotions and perceive and respond to others’ emotions. They influence whether we embrace or avoid emotional discomfort and can profoundly impact the tone and trajectory of our interactions.
It’s important to note that you and your partner may have the same or very different conflict styles. That is okay. What matters most is the couple’s ability to manage the ideal or “magic ratio” of positive to negative interactions, 5:1.
The magic ratio
One of the most poignant insights from Gottman’s research is the concept of the “magic ratio.” Their longitudinal studies revealed that healthy couples tend to maintain a balance of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction. This ratio highlights the importance of nurturing positivity and connection, even in the midst of a conflict. Couples who strive to maintain this ratio are likely to experience what the Gottmans call the positive perspective. This means they share a mutual sense of respect, empathy, collaboration, and an ability to honor each other’s viewpoints. On the other hand, if the ratio is reversed, the couple is likely operating in the negative perspective, also known as negative sentiment override.
When someone is stuck in the negative perspective, it becomes challenging to see the bigger picture, as communication is dominated by negative interactions. Trust during conflict becomes delicate because the likelihood of interactions escalating is high. Common behaviors that perpetuate the negative perspective include the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and harsh start-ups in conversations.
Conflict ignitors: The Four Horsemen and harsh start-ups
Negative interactions are usually easy to identify, like name-calling, yelling, eye-rolling, a sharp tone, or sarcasm. With over nearly 50 years of observing thousands of conflict discussions, the Gottmans and their research team identified four behaviors, known as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” as the most destructive to relationships: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. These are the primary negative interactions to watch out for and work to eliminate. We’ll talk about how to combat these behaviors in the next section.
Another critical behavior to avoid is what the Gottmans call a harsh start-up. Harsh start-ups can derail conflict resolution right from the start, escalating arguments and preventing your perspective from being heard. These are typically abrupt, blame-filled, or contemptuous statements, such as, “All you care about is work. You’re so selfish.” They often include absolute language like, “You always do this” or “You never do that.” According to feedback from Gottman’s Relationship Check-up assessments, couples who rely on harsh start-ups typically have a hard time talking about the hurts and disappointments in their relationship.
Now that we have a better idea of what negative interactions to look out for, let’s explore some positive interactions that can help extinguish these negative feelings in our conflicts.
How to turn conflict into connection
Since we know the magic ratio for conflict is five positive interactions to every one negative reaction, let’s explore what some of those positive interactions might look like.
Understanding how conflict arises might seem straightforward, but the real question is: How can you use conflict to strengthen your connection with your partner? Surprisingly, meaningful connections can form even during a disagreement.
Conflict presents numerous opportunities to show your partner that you care and to demonstrate that you’re not opponents but allies working through a challenge together. The following are key research-based positive interactions that help build connection during conflict.
1. Implement antidotes to the Four Horsemen
As we’ve discussed before, the Four Horsemen represent common negative behaviors that can severely damage the bond between partners. The good news is that there are effective antidotes you can practice to improve your conflict management skills and prevent reaching a state of emotional flooding—where overwhelm and escalation take over. Check out this article, which offers helpful examples of the Four Horsemen and practical ways to implement their antidotes. Once you can implement these antidotes consistently, your interactions will slow down and become much more manageable.
2. Accept influence
Accepting influence is one of the most critical aspects of conflict management. Simply put, it is the ability to consider and validate your partner’s perspective. Accepting influence is not about fully agreeing with your partner. It’s about allowing their perspective to be heard and finding some understanding in their point of view.
John Gottman would say, “In order to be influential, we must be able to accept influence.” Accepting influence at its core is about empathy. Practicing empathy in the midst of conflict is the ability to widen your emotional lens enough to understand how your partner has arrived at their feelings—you’re trying to put yourself in their shoes. What does accepting influence sound like? Here are some examples:
- “ Good point. I haven’t heard you put it that way before; that’s helpful.”
- “Your feelings make sense.”
- “I am starting to understand why this is so important to you… could you share some more?”
- “Wow. Now that I know more about your perspective, I can understand why you felt that way earlier.”
3. Compromise
Unfortunately, we cannot always get what we want in relationships; this is where compromise must enter the picture. Couples who can arrive at meaningful compromises, meaning that neither one has to sacrifice all of their wants and needs, will feel more seen and cared for in the relationship. Compromise is about bending, not breaking. When couples explore each other’s core needs and flexibility through curiosity, it usually leads to a mutual agreement that both parties can feel satisfied with in the end.
4. Make repair attempts
Much like compromises, repairs require intentionality and patience. Simply put, repair attempts are phrases or actions we use to express care and reconnect after a disagreement, whether it was a minor tiff or a heated argument. These attempts can take many forms: a direct apology for hurtful words, using playful humor to lighten the mood, or even small gestures that signal a willingness to mend the connection. By initiating repairs, couples create a space to turn toward one another, address the issue at hand, and reaffirm their bond.
One tip Julie Gottman offers in this area is that when you feel overwhelmed by emotion and use things like the Four Horsemen and harsh start-ups, try asking, “What is the longing behind my complaint?” Usually, something softer and even more primal is at the root of the conflict that’s important for your partner to hear.
For example, you may say to your partner who is often caught up in work, “All you ever do is work. You don’t care about me or the kids, do you?” Ouch! Pretty harsh, right? Even if the delivery is harsh, there is a longing behind this partner’s complaint.
Instead, try a soft start-up, saying something like, “Hey, I know you have been really busy with work lately, but I miss you, and the kids miss you. Can we set aside some time this week to connect and hang out? That would mean a lot to me.” This partner is longing for connection. We initially see and hear anger on the surface, but underneath that, she misses her partner.
Are you ready to start feeling more connected even during conflict?
The bottom line is that conflict is inevitable. Every relationship will face disagreements over time, and that’s not just normal—it’s healthy. Research shows that when managed well, conflict can be a powerful expression of love and care. It’s another way we communicate, grow, and deepen our bonds. By learning to navigate and even embrace conflict, couples can foster meaningful connection and emerge stronger and more united on the other side.
If you and your partner are ready to approach conflict with curiosity and build skills to manage it more effectively and collaboratively, couples therapy could be the perfect next step on your journey.
Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, or Texas. Contact us to get started.