Are you feeling at a crossroads in your relationship with your husband? Or perhaps you and your wife have different goals for your partnership? Every relationship is unique, and couples often choose to stay together, separate, or seek couples therapy for various reasons. When a couple is unsure about the future of their relationship, discernment counseling can be incredibly helpful.
We’ve put together a list of key questions for discernment counseling to help you determine what type of discernment partner you are. Understanding your partner type may guide you in deciding whether to pursue couples therapy, explore discernment counseling, or seek other helpful resources. All you need is a few minutes and an open, honest conversation with yourself.
Quiz: What’s your discernment type?
This quiz can help you determine if discernment counseling may be the right next step in your relationship.
1. Do you think your relationship is at a crossroads?
a) No, I am content with where our relationship is at.
b) Yes, I cannot imagine being married in 10 years and wonder if I would be happier alone or in another relationship.
c) Yes, we have had a lot of life transitions happen in the last few years.
2. Are you and your partner aligned on the areas of your relationship that are strengths vs. weaknesses (opportunities for improvement)?
a) I think so. We did not discuss aspects of our relationship in terms of strengths and weaknesses.
b) My partner and I are not on the same page with our strengths and weaknesses.
c) My partner and I mostly agree on our relationship’s strengths and weaknesses.
3. Have you thought about meeting with a divorce or marriage and family lawyer regarding your marriage?
a) No, my relationship is stable, and I do not want to rock the boat.
b) Yes, I have looked at possible divorce attorneys and mediators or considered setting up a consultation call.
c) No, I have not considered speaking to a lawyer about separation or divorce.
4. Do you want to work on your relationship with your partner?
a) I do not think that work needs to be done. I am content with the current status of my marriage.
b) I do not know if any work could change my mindset about my marriage.
c) Yes, I want to work on our relationship and better connect with my partner.
5. What avenues have you explored to improve your marriage?
a) We sometimes discuss our marriage in conflict, but otherwise, we keep moving forward.
b) We have each talked to our friends or family about the situation.
c) We have previously met with a therapist (or have discussed potential individual or couples therapy) and tried some self-serve resources like podcasts or books.
6. If you and your partner have children, how do your children affect your marriage?
a) While I am discontent with certain aspects of my marriage, I will not consider divorce or separation while my children are in the house.
b) It’s more important for my children to experience healthy co-parenting and happy parents than a negative marriage.
c) My children are impacted by the positivity and negativity in the marriage. I want them to see a healthy marriage and team.
7. Has there been a history or concern with alcohol or substance use?
a) Yes, we both can see the role alcohol or substances have played in our marriage, but we have worked through it.
b) Yes, I see my partner’s alcohol or substance use as an issue, but they do not.
c) No, there is no history or concern.
8. Have you and your partner tried couples therapy in the past?
a) No, we have not considered couples therapy before.
b) Yes, the therapist was not a good fit, or we did not get anything out of it.
c) No, we are open to therapy but have not carved out the time or financial resources to do so.
9. How would you describe your marriage?
a) We are in a comfortable place. Things are stable and will probably stay that way.
b) My marriage seems like there is no predictability or consistency. We do not repair and keep hurting one another.
c) No, I wanted to go to therapy, but my partner was uncomfortable, so I have been in individual therapy.
10. What do you think is the most significant factor that has contributed to the success of your marriage?
a) Consistency
b) Our children
c) The love we have for one another
Couples therapy quiz results
Now that you have considered the dynamics of your relationship, either have a mental running tally of your answers or have them written in front of you. Take a minute to see what your primary answer choices were.
If you mostly answered As:
Based on your answers, you are the status quo partner type. You are content with where the marriage is and do not see the point in spending energy moving the needle in the marriage, for better or worse. The moments of discontentment are pushed away and not discussed to prevent friction. While you are not the most connected to your partner, you are still together. You are not in a place to pursue change, whether that is because of your vision of family or indecisiveness. In either situation, you are coping with your marriage the way it is.
Consider reading It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life. This book highlights the self-work of being introspective about how you can improve yourself. It gives strategies for self-improvement before turning to your partner.
If you mostly answered Bs:
Based on your answers, you are the unconnected, leaning-out partner type. You have or are starting to question whether you want to remain in your marriage. You and your partner have several topics you regularly cannot discuss and often feel stuck in your typical conflict and communication patterns. One or both of you frequently tend to feel alone, resentful, or both, which could contribute to leaning toward separation or divorce.
Consider reading Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can—and Should—be Saved. This book gives insight into what a healthy but difficult relationship looks like compared to one that is not sustainable. It also can help you reflect on signs to consider and how to make an action plan.
If either of you are using divorce language, or one of you wants to work on the relationship while the other wants out, consider exploring discernment counseling. Discernment counseling is an excellent fit for couples who are not aligned on their relationship goals. This article on discernment counseling can help you see if discernment counseling is a good fit for you.
If you mostly answered Cs:
Based on your answers, you are the leaning-in partner type. You and your partner may not feel as close as you did in the past or may be in a life transition that makes connecting difficult. You see the opportunity and the value of improving your marriage through intentional efforts.
As partners go through life transitions such as marriage, loss, having children, or sending kids to college, there is typically additional stress and crucial decisions for you both to process. You may have gone through some of these transitions and want to work to improve your marriage instead of allowing it to become more stagnant. Couples therapy can be a safe place to process and become aligned.
Based on this, consider reading 7 Principles For Making Marriage Work. This book outlines helpful tools for you and your partner to try to intentionally work on your marriage. However, if you are a leaning-in partner and your partner is leaning out, convincing them to work on the marriage is not productive. In this case, read The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage. It helps you understand how you can support your partner while they decide whether they want to work on the marriage or separate.
What to do with the results: Your discernment conversation starter
If you and your partner take the quiz, it can be helpful to know whether you both are aligned on what type of marriage you have presently. Couples may be in the status quo due to transitions or stressors, or couples may have the bandwidth to work on their marriage if both are committed to the process. Conversely, one partner may have decided that they do not wish to work on or repair the marriage.
This quiz can be a good gut-check of where you and your partner are. This can be a discussion point if you and your partner are aligned on what steps you want to take in your relationship next. It can also be helpful to know if discernment or couples therapy is the next step.
How to find the right couples therapist
There are many reasons couples may pursue couples therapy or discernment counseling. If you and your partner are considering divorce, struggling to communicate, or have a history of infidelity, couples therapy can provide a safe space to explore these issues.
If this quiz piqued your interest or unlocked possible reasons for you and your partner to pursue couples therapy or discernment counseling, contact us to learn more. Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, or Texas.