Many of the clients I work with carry emotional burdens that didn’t start in their current relationship. They often feel like the “responsible one,” the emotional caretaker, or the one who keeps the peace. Over time, that responsibility becomes heavy, leading to resentment, burnout, or confusion about how they got here.
Through thoughtful couples therapy, we often uncover long-standing dynamics, protective patterns, or unmet needs that shaped how someone learned to connect, express emotions, or manage conflict. Understanding the function of a behavior—why it developed and what it was trying to protect—can be a powerful shift away from blame and toward compassion and growth.
But growth doesn’t just happen in session. For many clients, self-paced resources like books offer an important bridge between insight and action.
Books can help you grow—individually and in your relationship
As a couples therapist, I often recommend books that support personal healing—not because therapy isn’t enough, but because when you understand your inner world, your relationship gets stronger too. These books aren’t marketed as “couples books,” but they’ve helped countless clients uncover patterns, set boundaries, and move toward growth. And they’re a valuable companion to the work we do in session.
If any of these titles resonate with you, pay attention to what feels familiar, what stirs something in you, and what insights might help you move forward in your relationship and your own healing.
Book: It’s Not You: How to Identify and Heal from NARCISSISTIC People by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
This book is for:
Clients healing from a one-sided or emotionally abusive relationship, especially those questioning themselves or struggling to name what they’ve gone through.
Why I recommend it:
Dr. Ramani offers a non-judgmental and encouraging message for anyone who has felt dismissed, confused, or emotionally drained in a toxic relationship. What stood out to me most was her stance on diagnosis: she acknowledges that many partners will never receive an official narcissism diagnosis—and that shouldn’t be the measure of harm. Instead, she validates the experience of the person who feels unseen, controlled, or emotionally harmed.
She’s not speaking to the narcissist; she’s speaking to you, the partner who’s trying to make sense of what’s happening.
Starting in Chapter 5, Dr. Ramani shares a series of practical exercises that encourage readers to journal or track their experiences that left them feeling depleted, anxious, or confused—and to not rely on memory, since that isn’t always reliable due to being in competition with gaslighting or self-doubt. The goal of tracking is to help the reader identify patterns over time and to help them begin to accept reality.
By practicing these techniques and recognizing the patterns, the reader can begin to think about what they will and will not tolerate, laying the groundwork for creating healthy boundaries moving forward.
How it helps in couples therapy:
Unresolved harm from past (or ongoing) toxic relationships often shows up in current dynamics—especially when boundaries, trust, or emotional safety have been compromised. In a non-shaming and non-judgmental way, Dr. Ramani acknowledges that a full cut-off from someone who has been hurtful isn’t always possible. Whether due to shared parenting, family ties, or other obligations, she offers strategic ways to maintain limited or structured forms of connection.
She also helps define what type of connection is realistic, guiding readers to adjust expectations and engage with more clarity and self-protection. For clients navigating complex relational dynamics, this honors them.
Book: “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie
This book is for:
Clients who frequently over-function in relationships, take on others’ emotional burdens, or feel responsible for keeping the peace. It’s especially helpful for those learning to separate love from self-sacrifice.
Why I recommend it:
Although it’s considered a classic in the self-help and addiction recovery world, I’ll admit I didn’t feel immediately drawn in. Yet there’s enduring wisdom here, particularly in the chapters that outline the traits and behaviors of codependency.
Where the book really started to resonate for me was in Part II, which focuses on self-care practices. Beattie highlights the importance of detachment, not in a cold or dismissive way, but as a necessary step in reclaiming your sense of self. She writes with compassion about acceptance, setting boundaries, and learning to stop managing other people’s feelings or outcomes. These are deeply relevant for many clients I work with, even outside of addiction-based relationships.
How it helps in couples therapy:
This book provides a framework that helps those who are the emotional caretakers in their relationship. It invites them to take an honest look at how their over-functioning not only wears on them emotionally, but also how it might be contributing to the relationship feeling stuck.
When one person takes on too much, it can unintentionally enable the other to disengage or under-function—creating an imbalanced dynamic in their relationship. This book helps bring awareness to that cycle and offers steps toward a more sustainable, reciprocal way of relating.
Book: “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins
This book is for:
People who try to control outcomes or change others’ behaviors. It’s especially useful for those exhausted by trying to get others to “see” or “do” things differently.
Why I recommend it:
It’s easy to see why Mel Robbins’ work has gained so much traction—she hones in on a simple but powerful idea: let people do what they do and you do you. Instead of over-functioning, rescuing, or trying to control others’ behavior, she encourages readers to observe and accept. This can be a surprisingly freeing mindset shift, although it does not come without risks and lots of dissonant feelings. In many ways, it’s a modern, highly accessible take on untangling from codependent patterns.
Robbins is a passionate, modern voice delivering an important—but not new—message about boundaries and codependency. Much of what she shares mirrors principles that Al-Anon and other recovery-based communities have been teaching for decades. What makes Robbins stand out is her ability to reach a wide audience through mainstream platforms, delivering these messages without the stigma that can sometimes be associated with recovery spaces. Her approachable style makes these boundary-setting concepts feel both empowering and universally applicable.
A word of caution: her use of “research” is more inspirational than clinical. In the therapy world, we often think of research as studies, data collection, and peer-reviewed analysis. Robbins seems to use the term more loosely—drawing from articles, anecdotal stories, and personal insights. While still valuable, it’s worth noting that her work is more inspirational than evidence-based.
How it helps in couples therapy:
The “Let them” mindset helps clients stop managing their partner’s reactions or trying to control the situation or outcome. Instead, it encourages people to focus on being responsible for their own boundaries, needs, and choices.
Book: “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents” by Dr. Lindsay Gibson
This book is for:
Clients struggling with emotional boundaries or those raised in homes where emotional connection was lacking. I often recommend it to clients who feel overly responsible for others’ feelings.
Why I recommend it:
Dr. Gibson gives language to experiences that many clients don’t know how to name–growing up with caregivers who may have met their physical or educational needs, but were emotionally unavailable, reactive, or self-focused.
In my work with couples, we often reflect on childhood experiences and the emotional climate of their family home. A common theme I hear is that while the basics were provided, there was little emphasis on emotional connection or modeling healthy ways to handle conflict.
Gibson helps clients explore these early dynamics in a non-judgmental and non-blaming way. This book helps readers understand how emotionally unavailable or self-focused parenting shapes adult patterns—like conflict avoidance or over-functioning. In a compassionate way, this book helps readers to understand these patterns not as personal flaws, but as adaptive strategies that made sense in their early environment. It’s validating and insight-rich.
How it helps in couples therapy:
Unresolved wounds from childhood can often be triggered in our most intimate relationships. This book helps clients recognize their early emotional wounds and break generational cycles, enabling them to engage more consciously in their adult relationships.
You can work on you.
Working on yourself individually is just as important as working on your relationship. The more insight you have into your own patterns—whether it’s being overly responsible, struggling with boundaries, or carrying the emotional load—the more empowered you are to make meaningful changes. When each partner brings greater self-awareness and emotional clarity into the relationship, it creates space for growth, connection, and healthier dynamics.
Even if your partner isn’t doing the same inner work right now, your clarity still matters. If one of these books speaks to you, consider reading it alongside therapy or journaling. It could be a powerful first step.
Our therapists at Connect Couples Therapy and In Session Psych would be happy to help you on your journey.