“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, it comes from those you trust the most.” – Author unknown
There’s no doubt that the ones we love can hurt us the most. And when a betrayal is disclosed or unveiled, the impacted partner can suffer betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma typically occurs in intimate relationships when there is a violation of trust. Unsurprisingly, betrayal trauma can shake the very foundation of a relationship.
Whether you’re coping with infidelity, secret-keeping, or compulsive sexual behavior, healing may feel out of reach. But the truth is that recovery is possible, and there are therapist-approved tools that can help the betrayed and betrayer. One of those tools is the 4 Circle Plan, a simple yet powerful visual guide that helps couples name harmful patterns, build safety, and restore trust.
In this post, we’ll explain how the 4 Circle Plan works, how it supports healing from betrayal trauma, and how you can begin using it today—either on your own or with a couples therapist. At the end of this post, you’ll find a downloadable worksheet you and your partner can use to start navigating betrayal trauma.
Symptoms of betrayal trauma
When your partner breaks your trust, the emotional fallout can mirror PTSD. Common signs of betrayal trauma include:
- Flashbacks or intrusive thoughts
- Emotional numbing or disconnection
- Hypervigilance or constantly checking your partner
- Sleep disruption or changes in appetite
- Shame, anger, or confusion
- Difficulty concentrating or functioning day to day
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many partners experience these symptoms after a discovery or disclosure of betrayal.
In order to heal, it can be helpful for both the betrayer and the betrayed to use a model to make sense of their experiences. One resource that has proved successful for betrayal trauma is the Minwilla Model.
The Minwilla Model for Betrayal Trauma
Dr. Minwilla has been on several podcasts, including Moving Beyond Betrayal. He highlights the betrayal trauma and its impact on both the betrayed and betraying partners. From his perspective, betrayal trauma is a form of domestic violence as the betrayed partner experiences PTSD symptoms and questions all the lies related to the disclosure.
The Minwilla Model explores how to understand, treat, and diagnose deceptive sexuality and trauma (DST). Deceptive sexuality refers to acting out sexual behaviors, which negatively impact the couple’s relationship. Dr. Minwilla believes that the sexual behaviors and acting out partner’s responses can be so difficult for the betrayed partner that he categorizes deceptive sexuality as a form of relational intimate partner violence.
Dr. Minwilla breaks down the DST model into three stages:
- The covert phase
- The exposure phase
- The symptom progression phase
These phases may fluctuate or overlap as the couple goes through treatment.
Betrayal’s “Secret Basement”
Dr. Minwilla uses a metaphor of “the secret basement” — a trap door in the floor of the couple’s home, which accesses a basement only the betraying partner knows about. This secret basement provides the betrayer a foundation to watch pornography, interface with another person, hire a sex worker, or have an extramarital affair.
The betraying partner may visit the secret basement only a few times or frequently. Regardless of how many times the person visits the secret basement, it remains an area accessible only to the betraying partner. Minwilla stresses that the secret basement impacts the rest of the house and home life without its other members realizing it. This metaphor suggests that family and home life are already affected even before the betrayal is disclosed.
The couple can heal and recover from the betrayal trauma with individual and couples therapy through transparency and building trust through the 4 Circle Plan.
Trust can be rebuilt through transparency and awareness of your impact on your relationship and your partner. The 4 Circle plan, outlined below, can help you and your partner identify problematic behaviors of DST and its impact on your relationship. The open dialogue can foster conversations and considerations around accountability and boundaries.
What is the 4 Circle Plan for betrayal trauma?
With that context in mind, let’s explore a tool that can offer structure and direction for healing. Originally developed as part of the Minwalla Model, the 4 Circle Plan helps individuals and couples understand their behaviors and boundaries by breaking them down into four categories. It’s often used in recovery from compulsive or deceptive sexual behavior, but can be a supportive tool for any couple working through betrayal trauma.
Dr. Minwill’s 4 Circle Plan is framed around the idea of a stoplight. Each of the three inner circles of the 4 Circle plan includes red, yellow, and green areas for the betrayer. The 4 circles include:
Red circle – Inner boundary violations 🔴
These are non-negotiable behaviors that harm the relationship. Think of this as your STOP zone. Examples could include:
- Contacting past affair partners
- Watching pornography after a partner’s boundary was stated
- Lying or hiding behaviors
Yellow circle – Triggers, slippery slopes, and rationalizations 🟡
These are behaviors, thoughts, or emotions that often precede a red circle action. They might not be violations on their own, but they’re warning signs. Examples may include:
- Isolating or hiding your phone
- Emotional withdrawal from your partner
- Rationalizing: “It’s not that big of a deal.”
Green circle – Recovery and healthy practices 🟢
These actions support connection and healing. They reinforce healthy coping, empathy, and accountability. Some examples could be:
- Going to therapy or group support
- Journaling or naming feelings out loud
- Offering daily check-ins with your partner
Outer circle – Relationship impact and relational repair ❤️🩹
The last and remaining circle in the 4 circle plan is the impact of the three other circles. Sometimes the betraying partner has not considered the impact of their behaviors, triggers, and coping strategies on people in their life. The last circle allows the couple to write out all the people impacted by the betrayal. It’s about empathy, validation, and co-regulation. This could sound like:
- Recognizing how a lie broke trust
- Acknowledging how withdrawal left your partner feeling abandoned
- Committing to consistent repair behaviors over time
How to complete the 4 Circle Plan together
Once you understand the purpose of each circle, you can begin building the plan—together or separately.
Download your free 4 Circle Plan worksheet
- Start separately. Each partner should reflect on their own first draft.
- Share and discuss together, with care. Use a timer if needed.
- Define what goes in each circle. Be specific.
- Revisit and revise regularly. These circles evolve over time.
- Ask for help. A therapist can support you in naming patterns and creating boundaries that are both realistic and trauma-informed.
Completing the worksheet together allows both partners to voice what behaviors and boundaries matter to them. It opens the dialogue about how your relationship has been impacted by patterns of betrayal, and what is needed to repair trust.
If the process feels overwhelming or triggering, this is a strong sign that therapist support may be needed. Many couples navigating sexual addiction or infidelity benefit from professional help to move forward individually and relationally.
When to seek professional support for betrayal trauma
The 4 Circle Plan can be a starting point, but betrayal trauma can often be too overwhelming to navigate alone. Therapy can offer you:
- A safe space to process trauma responses
- Communication tools to reduce reactivity
- Accountability for rebuilding trust
You don’t have to do this alone. Many couples find healing through therapy, and we’re here to help. Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. Virtual sessions are available for residents of Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, or Vermont. Contact us to get started.
FAQ: 4 Circle Plan and betrayal trauma
Q: Is this plan only for the betraying partner?
A: No—this is a tool for both partners. While the betraying partner often fills out the red/yellow/green circles, the outer circle requires shared insight and collaboration.
Q: What if my partner refuses to use the 4 Circle Plan?
A: Healing can begin with one partner. You can use this tool to create your own boundaries and build clarity, even if your partner isn’t ready to engage.
Q: How long does it take to rebuild trust after betrayal?
A: There’s no fixed timeline. But consistency, honesty, and support (professional and relational) can dramatically improve outcomes.