It starts with a toothbrush…then a drawer…then, the big question:
“Should we move in together?“
This key question has become a lot bigger than just the act of moving in itself. From the rising cost of living to mixed messages from family or friends to combining two lives and lifestyles, choosing to move in together can feel confusing—and overwhelming.
There’s a common line used by those who believe couples shouldn’t live together before marriage: “You’re more likely to get divorced if you live together first.” While some studies have suggested this direction, further research shows that intentionality is the most crucial factor for making a relationship work while living together. One key framework explains this well: Sliding vs. Deciding.
Sliding vs. Deciding
Couples who say moving in together “just happened” or “we already spent all our time together anyway” fall into the sliding category. They’ve shifted into a shared life without a clear conversation about what cohabitating means or what each partner needs.
On the other hand, couples who decide to move in together have many intentional conversations about what living together will look like. They ask questions like:
- Do we both want to get married eventually—and to each other?
- What’s your day-to-day routine like?
- What would living together mean for us emotionally, financially, and logistically?
When couples don’t talk about these things, expectations go unspoken and unmet. Miscommunication grows and resentment can build. But when partners slow down, ask the right questions, and co-create a plan, living together can be a connected and fulfilling step forward.
Below are 25 therapist-approved questions to help you move from sliding to deciding.
25 questions to ask your partner before moving in together
When you live together, your roles change. You’re still romantic partners—but you’re also roommates, teammates, and co-planners of a shared space. These questions are designed to help you explore what that means before the lease is signed or the mortgage finalized.
Use these five categories to guide meaningful conversations with your partner. You don’t need to have every answer figured out, but starting the conversation matters.
Shared goals & readiness
Start here—before getting into the logistics. This is about your vision and emotional alignment.
- What does moving in together mean to you? Is it a step toward marriage, convenience, or something else?
- What are your hopes and fears about sharing a home?
- Have we discussed what would happen if we broke up while living together?
- Are there any family, cultural, or religious values influencing how you feel about moving in together?
Read more: What to Ask Before Premarital Counseling
How you and your partner can have intentional conversations before major relationship milestones, such as premarital counseling and long‑term planning.
Communication & conflict
Living together increases opportunities for both connection and friction. Talking about how you’ll navigate it matters.
- How do we typically handle conflict? Do we feel like our communication works when we’re stressed?
- Are there small annoyances we haven’t yet addressed that might be magnified when we share space?
- How will we bring up concerns without blaming or shutting down?
- Do we want regular check-ins to talk about the relationship?
Read more: Check In With Your Spouse With This Super Easy Framework
Structure regular check‑ins and communication rhythms you can bring into shared home life.
Daily rhythms & home life
Now that the foundation is set, look at your day-to-day compatibility and preferences.
- What routines or rituals are important to you (morning coffee, gym time, screen-free dinners)?
- How do you recharge—do you need alone time, quiet, movement?
- How do we want to approach chores—divide, rotate, or do tasks based on strengths?
- What’s your idea of a clean home—and how often do you clean?
- What are your boundaries or preferences around noise, guests, bedtime, or shared spaces?
Read more: How To Help Your Partner Understand & Take On Some Of Your Mental Load
Explore how the “mental load” operates in day‑to‑day life together and how to share it fairly.
Money & practical logistics
Money is one of the top stressors for couples. Being proactive here helps avoid resentment.
- Are you more of a spender or saver? What’s your general relationship with money?
- Do we want to combine finances, keep them separate, or something in between?
- What’s your comfort range for rent? If we’re buying, how will we split the mortgage or title?
- How will we handle utilities, internet, subscriptions, and other shared expenses?
- What’s our plan for groceries—shared budget or separate tabs?
- If we’re bringing or adopting a pet, how will we split care and costs?
Read more: 5 Signs You’re Ready for Marriage
Read this for more relationship factors tied to financial clarity and readiness for shared life decisions.
Connection & independence
Being together more often doesn’t automatically mean more connection. These questions help protect both closeness and autonomy.
- What does quality time look like to you? Should we schedule date nights?
- How will we signal when one of us needs alone time or space?
- Do you want to have shared meals or routines (like watching a show together at night)?
- Should we assume we’ll hang out most evenings, or be more intentional about planning time together?
- How will we handle moments when we feel more like roommates than romantic partners?
- What are some rituals or habits that could help us stay connected?
Read more: Date Night Rut? Take This Quiz for Your Ideal Date Night
Discover new date night ideas that truly serve both of you.
Moving in with intention
You don’t need to have perfect answers to every question, but asking them shows care and commitment. Living together is a meaningful milestone, not just a logistical one. By staying curious with each other, checking in often, and revisiting your needs as they evolve, you can build a home that supports both of you—emotionally and practically.
If you’re already living together, it’s not too late to dig in and explore what this step has meant to both of you. These questions can help reset your dynamic, improve communication, and create new agreements that reflect where you are now.
Common questions couples ask us before moving in together
Q: “What if I don’t know the answers to some of these questions or my answer changes after we move in?”
A: If you’re used to having your own space—or haven’t lived on your own before—it’s completely normal to feel unsure. Sometimes we think we know what we want until we actually live it.
This isn’t a red flag. It’s just being human.
We recommend setting a recurring “relationship check-in” after 1 month, 6 months, and 1 year of living together. This creates a space to say:
- What’s working?
- What needs more communication?
- What would we each like to shift?
Make it a date night. Reflect on what you’ve enjoyed—and what could get even better.
Q: “What if we already moved in and ‘slid’ into living together? Are we doomed?”
A: Absolutely not. It’s never too late to be intentional. Even if you skipped the pre-move-in conversation, you can still have it now.
Start by being curious. Focus on your needs rather than your partner’s missteps. For example:
- Instead of: “You never help with the dishes.”
- Try: “I feel overwhelmed when I clean up alone. Could we revisit how we’re dividing chores?”
If you’re having trouble having these conversations or navigating very different answers, therapy can help.