Dear Therapist,
My husband and I have been married for 24 years and are now realizing just how far our relationship has drifted. We recently sent our youngest child off to college, so we’ve become hyper-aware of how distant we’ve grown.
I’ve always been raised to understand that relationships take work. But how much effort should I be putting into our marriage at this point? How much work does a healthy relationship really require? While I’m not opposed to therapy, I want to find ways to close the gap and feel close again. What’s realistic and where should I start?
Sincerely,
Seeking Reconnection
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One of the first things long-time married couples will say about their marriage or relationship is: “It takes work!” Relationships are work. Marriage takes work. Isn’t that what we are all told? But what kind of work, and what does that mean? In a world that often idealizes romance through movies, books, and social media, it’s easy to believe that love is effortless.
However, anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship knows that maintaining a strong, healthy partnership requires ongoing effort. Romantic relationships are often described as “work”—and for good reason. While the word “work” may sound unappealing, it highlights the reality that love is not just a feeling, but an ongoing, active process.
I often remind clients that relationship “work” is about small, daily efforts to remain intimately connected and close. Let’s talk about what it means to “work” for a relationship, the importance of closeness, and the actionable steps to improve and maintain closeness with your partner.
What does it mean to put in the work for your relationship?
The phrase “relationships are work” often gets misunderstood as implying that a relationship is all about arguing and struggling to get along. While chemistry and attraction might begin effortlessly, maintaining a lasting, fulfilling relationship requires attention and care.
The concept of “work” within a relationship means that partners remain thoughtful and intentional about communicating and behaving in ways that maintain emotional intimacy and closeness. This “work” is ongoing and proactive, not just reactive to problems. Much of the work in a relationship is in service of maintaining or building closeness.
Why is closeness so crucial?
Emotional intimacy and closeness are the heart of most romantic relationships. Emotional closeness and intimacy in a romantic relationship are about building a deep bond where you feel truly connected to your partner on a mental and emotional level. When you and your partner have high emotional intimacy and a strong connection, you feel deeply understood, supported, and safe—you can be your true self without fear of judgment.
Closeness is more than just being physically together with your partner; it’s about being in tune with each other’s inner world—thoughts, feelings, dreams, and fears. Emotional intimacy deepens the love and affection within a couple. It turns the relationship from a romantic attraction into a deep, meaningful partnership. The closeness you share makes your relationship more satisfying and helps it last.
While all that sounds well and good, let’s talk about some real, actionable ways you can start today to enhance and maintain closeness with your partner.
8 practical strategies you can try right now to maintain and enhance closeness with your partner
Being intentional to maintain emotional intimacy and connection in a relationship takes effort from both partners. Below are some helpful reminders to keep that bond alive. Ideally all of these efforts are incorporated into your relationship. If you are good in some of these suggestions then I say “do more.” If you need to improve in any of these areas, begin with the ones that seem easiest.
1. Communicate the important stuff.
Make it a habit to regularly talk about your feelings, thoughts, and experiences. Share your day, discuss your dreams and concerns, and let your partner into your inner world. Go beyond sharing what externally happened during your day and discuss what your day felt like. Talk about what was hard, where you got peace, what you are looking forward to.
What we experience throughout the day, shifts and changes us in small ways. Share that with your partner so you shift and change together.
2. Get curious over and over again.
When your partner is talking, really listen. Put away distractions, make eye contact, and show empathy. Listening with the intention to understand, rather than to respond, helps your partner feel heard and valued. Ask open-ended questions like “What was that like for you?” or “How did you work through that?” Get curious about your partner’s internal world and what they experienced during the day rather than just the logistics.
3. Remind your partner what you love about them.
Remember to express gratitude and appreciation for each other. Whether it’s saying “thank you” for the little things or acknowledging the qualities you love about them, showing appreciation makes your partner feel loved and seen. Even better, share why you are grateful, such as, “When I get home and see you’ve done the dishes it makes me feel a sense of calm and I can really begin to unwind.”
Chances are you have a list of reasons you think your partner is wonderful. Remind them of that when you think of it. Whether it is in person or sending a random text so say that you were thinking about them or to hurry home!
4. Schedule and spend quality time together.
Set aside time for just the two of you, away from daily routines and distractions. It could be a monthly date night, a walk together at the end of the day, or a shared hobby. Quality time allows you to reconnect, enjoy each other’s company, and strengthen your bond.
5. Demonstrate and encourage vulnerability.
Share your fears, insecurities, and challenges with each other. Vulnerability fosters trust and intimacy. When you allow your partner to see you at your most authentic, it creates a safe space for them to do the same.
6. Check in regularly.
Life can get busy, so make it a point to check in with each other about how you’re both feeling. Ask questions like, “How are you really doing?” or “Is there anything on your mind?” to open up deeper conversations about your emotions and needs.
7. Don’t overlook the impact of physical affection.
Physical touch, like hugging, holding hands, or cuddling, can help maintain emotional intimacy. These non-verbal actions show love and care—strengthening your emotional bond. So instead of scrolling on opposite ends of the couch, lean on each other when you watch a movie or touch your partner as you walk past.
8. Have fun together.
Laughter and playfulness are key elements of a strong relationship. Share fun experiences, laugh together, and create positive memories. It helps keep the relationship lighthearted and reinforces your connection. Revisit activities you used to like to do together when you first met or try something new together. Remembering how much you enjoy each other is important , especially when times feel difficult.
Sometimes, couples realize it’s been a while since they have considered doing these things. It may even feel a little awkward! But just because things may feel a little uncomfortable doesn’t mean they are wrong. Give it a try and if you think you could use a little professional help, having a third party like a couples counselor involved can help overcome relationship barriers.
The work you put into your relationship is work worth doing.
The idea that relationships are “work” is not a warning of hardship but a reminder that great relationships are built through effort, care, and mutual respect. Emotional intimacy and closeness make the relationship more than just a surface-level connection. They help keep the relationship strong, resilient, and filled with love and support, which is the healthy kind of “work” needed to a long-lasting partnership.
Working on being emotionally close is about making a conscious effort to understand each other, support each other’s growth, and continually invest time and energy into keeping the connection alive. The “work” isn’t meant to sound negative; it’s more about the reality that a lasting relationship is built on consistent care and intentional actions.
If you and your partner find you’re working overtime for the health of your relationship or need some support, our therapists are ready to help. Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.