You cheated on your partner. Maybe it was a one-night stand, or maybe a longer emotional or physical affair. Infidelity takes many forms—but no matter how it unfolded, you now want to help your partner heal.
That desire to help your partner heal matters. It shows you’re committed to rebuilding trust after betrayal, something that can feel nearly impossible in the early aftermath. If you’re wondering how to support your betrayed partner after you’ve hurt them, this guide will walk you through steps grounded in empathy, accountability, and connection.
How to help your partner heal after infidelity
Recovering from infidelity can be overwhelming. The betrayed partner may feel lost, anxious, or flooded with painful emotions. As the betraying partner, you might feel ashamed and unsure of what to say or do. While every relationship is different, here are six essential ways you can begin to show up in the healing process:
1. Practice radical honesty.
Betraying partners often struggle with guilt and shame around their actions. They often fear the painful impact that will come as a result of disclosing their affair. These insecurities create a strong urge to avoid the topic of the affair, to hide or minimize details of their interactions with the affair partner, and to keep secrets about what occurred.
One of the most traumatizing parts of infidelity for many partners isn’t just the betrayal itself—it’s the lies and secrecy surrounding it.
Unfortunately, betrayed partners often describe secret-keeping and the gradual information discovery as some of the most traumatizing parts of their experience, so radical honesty is important. That said, it can be hard for a betraying partner to know exactly what to disclose. Some details may feel triggering for the injured partner to learn, and they may send mixed messages about what they want to know. When in doubt, the betraying partner should ask what they want to know.
Radical honesty means committing to full transparency. This includes:
- Telling the truth about what happened
- Answering questions like “When did the affair start?” or “What was your contact with the affair partner?”
- Disclosing your motivations (without defensiveness)
If you’re unsure what to share, ask your partner what they want to know. Honesty should be grounded in care, not cruelty. When done with compassion, truth-telling can begin to rebuild broken trust.
When betraying partners practice radical honesty, they commit to taking full responsibility for their actions. Radical honesty ensures that the betraying partners tell the truth up front, including transparent communications and their whereabouts. No more secrets!
2. Cut all ties with your affair partner.
Trust cannot begin to rebuild if the affair partner is still present in your life.
You must be willing to cut all ties with your affair partner. This means:
- No texting, calls, or social media engagement
- Avoiding places or events where you might cross paths
- If necessary, changing jobs or work arrangements if the person is a colleague
Set boundaries together as a couple, and listen to what your partner needs to feel calmer through affair recovery.
3. Express remorse (not just regret).
Remorse, a mixture of intense guilt and regret, is often quite painful to feel and crucial to express. Your betrayed partner needs to see you express remorse. Remorse is a significant component of the healing process because it shows your partner that you can feel the impact of the pain you have caused and that you are hurting over their hurt.
Your partner needs to see that you’re sorry—not just hear the words.
Genuine remorse sounds like:
- “I can see how much I hurt you, and I hate that I caused this pain.”
- “I feel ashamed of what I did, and I’m here to take full responsibility.”
Be careful not to become emotionally overwhelmed to the point where your partner ends up comforting you. Infidelity recovery is about showing up for your partner’s pain, even when you feel guilt or shame.
4. Pursue your partner.
Think back to when you first fell in love. Just like in your early days of dating, be deliberate about pursuing your partner for regular conversation and quality time. Be aware of what they are doing, and ask how they are feeling or what they are thinking about. Learn to express curiosity and empathy about whatever they share.
Now is the time to actively pursue your partner again, with kindness, attention, and patience.
That means:
- Initiating quality time or conversations
- Checking in emotionally without pushing
- Asking if they want to sit together, talk, or receive affection
Importantly, don’t wait for your partner to pursue you first. Many betrayed partners want connection but feel too vulnerable to initiate. Your gentle pursuit can help them feel safer over time. If you’re uncertain about your partner’s wishes, ask if it would be okay to sit next to them or offer a hug or conversation. Giving your partner permission to decline is always better than assuming they don’t want contact.
5. Validate your partner’s pain (again and again).
Infidelity brings up deep grief, anger, and fear. As the betraying partner, your job is to listen, not to fix or defend. It can feel overwhelming to listen and take in the many layers and nuances of your partner’s pain. Remember to slow down and do your best to stay calm in the moment.
Find the courage to ask your partner to share the worst parts of their feelings, offer appropriate remorse and compassion, and validate their feelings.
Validation sounds like:
- “You’re right to feel hurt.”
- “It makes sense you’re angry. I broke our trust.”
You’ll likely need to do this repeatedly. Stay present, and remember that every time you validate without defensiveness, you’re helping rebuild trust. You can send the message that you care, you are sorry, and you can feel the specific impact of your actions.
6. Share your story with honesty and reflection.
Eventually, your partner may ask: Why did this happen?
Do your best to reflect and offer responses. Even if you cannot locate a specific explanation for why you made the choice, try to be clear about why you kept it secret. Understanding that part can help create a roadmap for how to avoid anything like this ever happening again.
A word of caution when sharing your experience—don’t prioritize your narrative over your partner’s narrative. And don’t become emotionally self-consumed as you share.
Try to reflect on:
- What emotional needs went unmet?
- Why didn’t I ask for what I needed?
- Why did I hide it?
Because it is so emotionally impactful, affair recovery can take time. Remind yourself often to be patient with the process. Sharing your story helps your partner understand what led to the betrayal—and how you’re working to ensure it never happens again. This step is about repair, not justification.
Many couples recover from infidelity; staying focused on and repeating the above steps will help. Here are some additional resources for healing from infidelity.
Healing after infidelity takes time.
There’s no quick fix for betrayal, but couples can and do recover.
Rebuilding trust after an affair requires honesty, remorse, consistency, and patience. If you feel stuck—or your partner does—working with a therapist trained in infidelity recovery can help you both navigate the path forward.
Need help healing from infidelity?
Infidelity recovery can be incredibly painful, and couples may get stuck. Your partner may need extra help to heal after your affair.
Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also offer virtual sessions for residents of select states. Contact us to get started.
Additionally, In Session Psych, our practice that focuses on supporting individuals, offers in-person and virtual support groups for women who are healing from infidelity. Learn more at Beyond Betrayal.