The journey through in vitro fertilization, also known as IVF, can feel like an emotional roller coaster, filled with hopes, anxieties, and uncertainties at every turn. For many couples, IVF becomes the means to achieve their dream of starting a family, bringing immense joy and fulfillment. If you’re going through IVF, you may find yourself navigating the highs of optimism and the lows of disappointment, often within a single day.
While IVF can be a source of hope for couples seeking to build their family, the emotional toll of this process can be significant, and it’s during these times that the strength of your relationship can be both challenged and deepened. Supporting one another through the complexities of IVF is essential. By standing together, you can help each other cope with the challenges, celebrate the small victories, and find comfort in knowing you’re not facing this journey alone.
We’re exploring the unique challenges that IVF couples face and sharing some key strategies so you can support your partner through the journey.
Before delving into how to best support your partner, it’s important to first have a basic understanding of the IVF process. This foundation will help you navigate the journey more confidently and provide the right kind of support at each stage.
What is IVF?
IVF, or in vitro fertilization, is a complex fertility treatment that involves several key stages to help couples conceive. Here’s a brief breakdown of the process:
- Ovulation induction: Hormones are administered to stimulate the ovaries to produce multiple eggs.
- Egg retrieval: Mature eggs are collected from the ovaries through a minor surgical procedure.
- Fertilization: The collected eggs are combined with sperm in a lab to create embryos.
- Embryo culture: The fertilized eggs (embryos) are monitored for a few days as they develop.
- Embryo transfer: One or more healthy embryos are transferred into the uterus.
- The two-week wait: After the transfer, there’s a waiting period before taking a pregnancy test to determine if the procedure was successful.
Understanding the IVF process is only the first step. The most supportive partners are also keenly aware of IVF’s physical, emotional, and financial demands.
The unique challenges of IVF
Couples undergoing IVF can experience a unique blend of challenges. Many couples struggle with medical and physical obstacles throughout their journey, while others may find more of a strain within their relationship, wallets, or family dynamics. No couple’s experience is exactly the same, but here are a few common challenges to be aware of as you venture through IVF:
- Physical demands: IVF can involve many medical hurdles. For instance, the female partner has to endure hormone injections, frequent medical appointments, and invasive procedures like egg retrieval. These IVF elements can be painful, exhausting, and uncomfortable. Additionally, if pregnancy occurs, some women may have difficult pregnancies, resulting in potential issues like persistent sickness, fatigue, and other pregnancy complications. While one partner bears the brunt of the physical demands, it’s important to remember that the other partner is typically involved in some capacity. The non-carrying partner may administer hormone injections or take on more household duties.
- Emotional highs and lows: IVF can be riddled with a wide array of emotions from anxiety, depression, grief, and exhaustion to joy, excitement, happiness and surprise. Some couples may struggle to communicate their needs, such as the need for help, intimacy, attention, etc., as they fear creating additional stress. Others work hard to strike a balance between feeling eager and excited about the prospect of having a baby and the realities of IVF possibly not yielding the desired results. IVF can be a rollercoaster and it’s vital to stay attuned to your partner’s emotions as well as your own.
- Financial stress: IVF can be a significant financial stressor, with costs for treatments, medications, and multiple cycles adding up quickly, often without a guarantee of success. Some couples may have the ability to utilize insurance for a portion of their treatments, while others have to pay for it all out-of-pocket. No matter your circumstances, it’s important to explore your options and realistically discuss the financial aspect of the process.
- Family dynamic changes: Juggling family life on top of IVF can be a major adjustment. Whether this is your first or fifth attempt at becoming parents through IVF, undoubtedly, the landscape of everyday life will change during the process. It’s important to anticipate changes in roles or responsibilities between partners and as a family unit. If you already have other kids, explore ways to appropriately lean on older children to assist with chores or even seek outside help (e.g., nanny, housekeeper, or trusted family member or friend).
These combined demands make IVF a deeply challenging experience, requiring resilience and strong support from both partners.
Now that we’ve covered the basics of IVF and its potential challenges, let’s explore some practical strategies for supporting your partner throughout the process:
4 strategies for supporting your partner through IVF
Supporting your partner through IVF requires patience, understanding, and a proactive approach. By staying connected and supportive, you can help ease the stress and strengthen your bond during this challenging journey. Here are four key strategies to help.
1. Educate yourself on the IVF process.
Start by educating yourself about what lies ahead. Understanding the stages of IVF through books, reputable websites, and support groups can alleviate some of the stress that comes from the unknown. If you are already working with a clinic, they will be able to provide local resources for support. According to the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, IVF can be an anxiety-producing experience, and one of the best antidotes for anxiety is information and knowledge. The more you know and understand about the process, the less stress you may feel.
Check out the links below for more information on IVF and learning more about the process:
2. Foster open communication during IVF.
As a couples therapist who has worked with many couples in varying stages of IVF, I have seen first-hand how important open communication is during the process. Each partner at any given time could be experiencing a multitude of feelings. It is crucial to keep those lines of communication open to mitigate making assumptions and missing opportunities to connect. Consider these therapist-approved approaches to communication when seeking to foster supportive dialogue with your partner during IVF and at large within your relationship.
- Be an active listener.
Open communication is crucial during the IVF process. Encourage your partner to share their feelings and be an active listener. Make sure you each provide support without trying to fix every problem immediately; sometimes, simply being heard is enough. When you or your partner need to discuss the multitude of feelings that arise, consider using a stress reducing conversation to facilitate these discussions.
- Turn toward your partner.
Turning toward your partner means recognizing when they’re trying to connect with you—what’s often referred to as a bid for connection. These bids can take many forms, from starting a conversation about future baby names to simply needing a long hug after a tough doctor’s appointment. In these moments, it’s crucial to respond by turning toward your partner rather than away. Doing so reassures them that they are cared for and not alone, fostering a deeper emotional bond between you both.
- Recognize and navigate different emotions.
Understand that you and your partner may experience different emotions at various times during the IVF process. One partner might feel optimistic and excited about starting a family, while the other may be overwhelmed with stress and anxiety due to uncertainties. It’s normal not to be on the same emotional wavelength, which makes regular check-ins with one another essential
- Use a framework for effective check-ins.
To ease communication, use a structured framework during your check-ins. This approach ensures that both partners have the opportunity to express their feelings and that discussions remain supportive and productive. These check-ins help you understand each other’s current emotional state and enable you to better meet each other’s needs.
3. Discuss and manage your IVF expectations.
It’s crucial to manage expectations as a team. Discuss the potential outcomes of IVF—whether it’s success, the need for multiple cycles, or the possibility of failure. Agree to approach each step without placing undue pressure on one another. This shared understanding helps you both stay grounded and resilient throughout the journey.
- Set limits and consider alternatives.
Consider how long you’re willing to continue with IVF treatments. Discuss key factors such as financial costs, emotional resilience, and the physical toll on both partners. Setting limits on the number of cycles you’re comfortable with and exploring alternative options, such as adoption or surrogacy, can be beneficial. Having these discussions early ensures you both are on the same page, helping manage expectations and reducing potential feelings of guilt or pressure.
- Be open to discussing IVF’s impact on intimacy.
The IVF process can affect your intimate life. The physical demands of hormone treatments, medical appointments, and procedures can leave one or both partners feeling tired or stressed, which may impact sexual desire. Additionally, the emotional roller coaster and pressure to conceive can make intimacy feel more clinical than spontaneous.
It’s important to maintain open communication about how each of you is feeling and find ways to reconnect that focus on comfort. Regularly spending quality time together and prioritizing non-conception-related intimacy can strengthen the bond. It may be helpful to speak with a sexologist to help get the conversation started.
4. Consider support before, during, and after your IVF journey.
Infertility struggles can bring about an array of emotions. And while IVF can be a successful path to parenthood, you and your partner may need assistance unpacking the emotional toll. There are a few ways that you and your partner can find support during the IVF process.
- Counseling or therapy: Continued therapy, whether individually or as a couple, can help address lingering emotional stress or anxiety related to fertility issues. It also provides a space to discuss feelings and work through challenges together.
- Family planning decisions: After IVF, couples may need to explore options for further treatment, adoption, or even deciding to live without children. Supporting each other through these decisions ensures they remain a united team.
- Parenthood support: For couples who have successfully conceived through IVF, adjusting to parenthood comes with its own challenges. Long-term support can include helping each other manage the stress of parenting, seeking support from family or parenting groups, and maintaining a strong partnership as parents.
Putting some thought into how you might utilize long-term support can help with overall maintenance of a healthy, resilient relationship, regardless of the outcome of IVF.
Do you and your partner need more support during IVF?
Whether you are considering starting an IVF journey, are mid-way through, or are adjusting to life beyond IVF, our therapists can help. We are here to help you navigate the wide range of emotions and circumstances that come along with IVF.
Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.