The stress-reducing conversation at-a-glance
Set aside 20 minutes to listen and validate your partner’s external stress — without trying to fix it. The simple practice of a stress-reducing conversation helps reduce emotional flooding, strengthens connection, and builds trust.
Between the pressures of daily life, parenting, work deadlines, health scares, and just trying to keep up — most of us are maxed out. I can attest that the last couple of years have been a masterclass in stress, burnout, and learning how to function with too much on our plates.
And clearly, we’re not alone. Some of the most-searched questions online and in session are things like:
- “How to cope with stress”
- “How to handle stressful situations”
- “How to deal with a stressed-out partner”
But stress less — we’ve got you.
While I don’t have the secret to a completely stress-free life (if only!), I can share a research-backed communication tool that helps couples:
- Feel seen and understood
- Lower daily stress
- Strengthen emotional connection
And no — you don’t have to overhaul your diet, start a new exercise plan, or finally get those 8 hours of sleep (although that would be lovely).
What I’m talking about is something surprisingly simple: talking and listening — on purpose. It’s called a stress-reducing conversation, and it’s one of my go-to tools for helping couples reconnect when stress starts getting in the way.
Any takers? Sign me up, too.
What is a stress-reducing conversation?
Think of it as an intentional venting session—yet with structure, purpose, and connection at its core.
A stress-reducing conversation is a time when you invite your partner to say, “Tell me what’s been hard for you lately. I want to hear it.” Not to fix it, not to debate it, and definitely not to redirect it, but just to listen with care.
It’s a chance for each partner to share daily external stressors, such as work frustration, health worries, social overwhelm, or parenting fatigue, while the other listens, validates, and holds space. Then you switch.
The purpose of a stress-reducing conversation isn’t to solve anything. The purpose is to feel seen, heard, and supported.
This simple yet powerful exercise comes from The Gottman Method, and I use it often in couples sessions. Over time, it can:
- Lower emotional reactivity
- Build a culture of care and responsiveness
- Help partners feel more connected during stressful seasons
It’s one of my favorite tools to teach because it’s so doable and surprisingly impactful.
When to use (and not use) a stress-reducing conversation
Here’s how to determine when this exercise is the right fit—and when it’s best to pause or try a different approach.
| ✅ Best moments | 🚫 Press pause |
| External stress (work, parenting, health) | Stress is about the relationship |
| Both partners are calm & present | One or both are flooded/shut down |
| Goal is empathy, not fixing | Trauma, betrayal, or deeper wounds |
| Time set aside, no distractions | Rushed or multitasking |
| Craving closeness after a long day | Trying to fix, debate, or prove a point |
When used well, this conversation builds trust and helps couples feel like teammates, even during stressful seasons.
How to have a stress-reducing conversation
This is a simple but structured practice. The goal isn’t to fix anything — it’s to listen and be listened to.
Before you start
1. Set aside 20–30 minutes of uninterrupted time.
Turn off distractions. Phones away, kids settled, TV off. You want the space to feel calm and focused.
2. Decide who will go first.
One partner speaks, the other listens. Each person gets about 15 minutes.
Rules for the speaker
1. Complain or talk about something or someone outside of your relationship.
2. Share how you feel (name an emotion). Use this feelings wheel if helpful.
3. Be respectful of the listener. It’s okay to be passionate, but don’t direct your stress at your partner.
Rules for the listener
1. Be curious. Listen for what’s under the stress — needs like belonging, fairness, or security.
2. Don’t side with the enemy. Even if your partner made a mistake, this isn’t the time to point that out.
3. Use empathic responses. Here’s a list of statements to try if you’re unsure.
Try a stress-reducing conversation
1. Take turns, set a timer for 15 minutes.
Each partner has 15 minutes to share.
2. When it is your turn to be the listener, ask your partner, “What is currently making you feel stressed?”
Then wait, listen, and allow your partner to share without interruption and without the pressure to do anything about the situation.
Reminder: This is not the time to fix the problems!
If your partner feels stuck, try asking:
- What’s been the most draining part of your day?
- How is that stress showing up in your body?
- What do you need most right now?
3. When it is your turn to be the speaker, think of something that is stressing you out (outside of your relationship).
Here are a few ideas to get you started:
- Work
- A friendship
- Childcare
- Self-care practices
- Aging
- Personal health
4. When the timer goes off, as the listener, thank your partner for sharing and use an empathic statement to close the conversation.
“Thank you for sharing–this sounds stressful, and I’m here for you.”
5. Switch roles. Go through steps 2-4.
Looking for additional support?
If you gave this exercise a try and found it helpful — or even if it stirred up more frustration than connection — you’re not alone. Like any new skill, it takes time, intention, and guidance to get it right.
Our licensed couples therapists are here to help you build confidence in how you communicate, listen, and support one another under stress.