In the heat of a fight or an argument, emotions can flare up, making it challenging to maintain a constructive dialogue. As a therapist, we often see how conflicts escalate when people become overwhelmed by their emotions. Even though every couple argues, a fight can feel XYZ. Of all the tools in your fight fair toolbox, a healthy timeout is a powerful tool to help you and your partner regain composure and show up as your best self.
Can adults really benefit from a timeout?
A timeout isn’t just for children; it’s a valuable strategy for adults and relationships. When tensions rise, our ability to communicate rationally diminishes. Couples arguments can include hurtful words or actions that could cause further injury and regret. A healthy timeout can benefit your relationship and facilitate conflict resolution — follow these six essential relationship rules when you realize you need to step away from your fight.
Timeout rule #1: Recognizing the need for a timeout
You know your relationship — how you argue, what sets each of you off, and when you feel an argument is becoming emotionally charged. An emotionally charged fight may include raised voices, feeling flooded with emotion, or pulling examples from the past. When you recognize these signs, you can prevent further escalation and harm.
Think of the last time you became utterly overwhelmed in an argument or disagreement. Which physical signs did you experience? Did you feel like you couldn’t breathe or had a heavy weight on your chest? Our bodies will help signal that we are not ok and need to cool off and de-escalate.
Timeout rule #2: Communicate your intentions and set a time frame
Articulate your need for a break calmly and respectfully. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming your partner. For instance, saying, “I feel overwhelmed and need 20 minutes to myself,” can diffuse tension and clarify your intentions.
A specific timeout duration tells your partner you value them and the conversation. If you storm off without sharing your reason for leaving or stating when you’ll be back, you leave your partner in distress, wondering and waiting. Try to keep your timeout under an hour so your partner understands they are important to return to.
Timeout Rule #3: Use your time wisely
During your timeout, find ways that help you relax and calm down. De-escalating activities like deep breathing exercises, walking, journaling, or listening to soothing music can help you regulate your emotions. Remember, the point is to return to the conversation as a better self. When you are emotionally available and able to communicate well, you and your partner have a much better chance of understanding each other and feeling heard.
Timeout Rule #4: Reflect on your feelings
Take advantage of your break to reflect on your feelings and internal emotions. Are you feeling fearful, hurt, or anxious? While all your feelings are valid, the timeout is not an opportunity to develop a better defense or examples of why you are right. That will not shift the conversation in a healthy or more productive direction. Instead, consider how you can express yourself more effectively when you return to the argument by using “I” statements and leading with your core feelings.
Timeout Rule #5: Return with a clear mind
When it’s time to resume the conversation, approach it with renewed calmness and clarity. Be open to listening attentively and expressing yourself thoughtfully. Stay present and avoid bringing up past issues unrelated to the current disagreement.
Timeout Rule #6: Focus on resolution
Work with your partner to find common ground and seek a resolution rather than focusing on who is right or wrong. Use active listening skills to understand each other’s viewpoints and work towards a mutually acceptable solution. Active listening involves fully focusing, understanding, and responding to a speaker. It goes beyond simply hearing words and involves engaging with the speaker both verbally and non-verbally. Some key components of active listening are avoiding distraction, making eye contact and giving full attention. Repeat or paraphrase what the speaker has said to confirm your understanding. Ask clarifying questions to demonstrate your interest in understanding. Avoid interrupting and defer judgment, focusing on understanding their perspective before forming an opinion.
Remember, taking a time out isn’t about avoiding conflict but rather about approaching it in a healthier and more productive manner. It’s a proactive step towards preserving the integrity of relationships and fostering better communication.
Timeouts are essential for heated conflicts.
Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship, but how we navigate them defines the strength of your connection. Healthy timeouts can foster understanding and emotional regulation, leading to more effective conflict resolution. So, the next time emotions run high during a disagreement, consider taking a step back for a healthy time out.
While these strategies may sound simple, putting them into regular practice can be challenging. Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.