Have you ever felt yourself shutting down during an argument with your partner? Maybe you feel drained by their words, and you just want it to stop. Or perhaps you’ve felt your partner shutting down during an argument—and you feel angry, ignored, and unheard. What may feel like the silent treatment is actually stonewalling.
When I first met my husband, everything was pure bliss until the first argument. I found our disagreements incredibly overwhelming, retreating into myself when I didn’t know how to respond. I thought I was the only person experiencing these high-stress scenarios and wanted a solution. Through my research, I discovered the phenomenon of stonewalling and being stonewalled.
Stonewalling is one of the Four Horsemen identified by Dr. John Gottman, a well-regarded marriage researcher and psychologist in the Gottman Method of couples therapy. Let’s look at the definition of stonewalling, how it manifests, and how you can address it.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is a form of emotional inaccessibility. When you or your partner feel overwhelmed during a conversation, the body takes steps to disassociate from the problem, hoping the conversation will stop. Stonewalling can occur in relationships when the conversation feels like an argument, vulnerability, or conflict.
Stonewalling is often exhibited by someone with a conflict-avoidant personality as a defense tactic learned from childhood. If you grew up in an environment with a lot of conflict, like raised voices, arguments, and highly emotionally charged situations, your body’s natural defensive response is to shut down to protect.
Intentional stonewalling is used to gain power in the conversation and is often a learned behavior from parents or caregivers. Unintentional stonewalling is simply a defense mechanism, but it feels no less frustrating to the partner being stonewalled. Whether intentional or unintentional, there are some clear signs that signal stonewalling in a relationship.
Examples of stonewalling
- Closed off body language: arms crossed, lack of eye contact, distancing, appearing spacey or far away, refusing to sit next to a partner
- Using short, one or two-word answers such as “Yeah,” “Yes,” “Mhm,” “Yup,” or “It’s fine.”
- The silent treatment: completely ignoring your partner, usually with malicious or manipulative intent, acting as if you can’t see them, refusing to acknowledge their presence or address the issue directly (e.g., passive aggressive behavior)
- Complete disengagement: looking at your phone while your partner is speaking to you, walking out of the room, reading a book, and refusing to look up
Learning to notice these signs can help you or your partner address stonewalling and work to process emotional flooding.
Emotional flooding: a common catalyst for stonewalling
While we can point to a past trauma, childhood, or attachment style as the root cause of stonewalling, let’s look at what’s going on inside and what in the body causes stonewalling. When you understand the physical process of this external response, you can better comprehend what happens when someone resorts to stonewalling during conflict.
Emotional flooding, or the physiological response to a surge of emotions in the brain, is often called “fight, flight, or freeze.” Emotional flooding is the “freeze.” When we feel emotionally flooded, our body fills with stress hormones, our heart rate can increase, and we can feel internally overwhelmed, causing an external shutdown. Emotional flooding can open the door to stonewalling during an argument or tense conversation.
Once you understand and empathize with what’s happening inside, you can take steps to stop stonewalling and improve communication with your partner.
The harmful effects of stonewalling
While stonewalling can seem like an incident isolated to arguments and conflicts, its effects can be far reaching in a relationship. If you are the one being stonewalled, you may feel lonely, anxious, and experience feelings of self-doubt and insecurity.
Stonewalling interrupts healthy communication in your relationship. When we don’t have the space for open communication, issues aren’t resolved and relationship health can deteriorate. This can cause a lack of emotional investment and escalate the conflict patterns between two partners, leading to dissatisfaction with the relationship, making separation or divorce discernment feel like the next option.
How to stop stonewalling in a relationship
As frustrating as the process may seem, there is hope to be had when it comes to stonewalling and being stonewalled. We’ve established an understanding about what it is and why it may happen, so let’s look at what can be done to stop it.
For partner stonewalling
If high-conflict conversations make you feel emotionally flooded and shut down, try these five strategies to stop stonewalling.
- Focus on self-soothing: Everybody self-soothes in one way or another. Find what helps your body relax to regulate your emotions. Try meditation, deep breathing, or a short walk.
- Take a 20-minute break: It typically takes the body 20 minutes to recover from an influx of stress hormones. Agreeing to come back to the conversation in 20 minutes can help you reach a place where you can process your thoughts and emotions.
- Using a hand gesture or agreed-upon signal: Talk with your partner and agree on a hand gesture or signal to declare you’re overwhelmed with emotion, and you need a break or pause in the conversation.
- Being aware of your body language and self-correcting: Your body language speaks volumes— readjust to create open space for your partner. If your arms are crossed, uncross them; if you’re facing away from your partner, turn to face them.
- Using “I” feel statements: Even if it is as simple as “I feel conflicted right now,” letting your partner know what’s going on in your head opens up the conversation to talk about it.
For the partner being stonewalled
If your partner shuts down during stressful conversations, try these five strategies to recenter and reconnect.
- Create space for your partner to think and express themselves: If your partner is stonewalling, they might feel stifled and overwhelmed. Giving them the space and time to think through their response can help them process what you’re saying..
- Set a time to return to the conversation: To our earlier point, it can take time for the body to regulate its emotions. Both you and your partner can benefit from time to think through your feelings, sit with what was said, and promise to return to the conversation.
- Use “I” statements to share how you feel: It can feel frustrating when you are being stonewalled, like your communication feels moot or insignificant. Using “I” statements to express your feelings can help your partner see your points as expressions instead of attacks.
- Use empathy to gain a new understanding of your partner: Instead of responding with frustration during unfair moments, use empathy to reframe your perspective. When you choose to understand your partner who is stonewalling, you can both move through the conversation.
You can break the cycle of stonewalling.
When I asked my husband about those first arguments, he admitted that he didn’t understand what was happening inside my head. Once he understood that my stonewalling was an overwhelming response to stress, his perspective began to shift. Stonewalling can feel heavy and create disconnection. Yet once you understand where stonewalling starts and the steps you can take to mitigate it, the journey to repair is made a little easier.
Seeking support through self-help resources or couples therapy can make a significant difference in turning stonewalling into conversation and connection. For more help, our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.