We’ve all heard about passive-aggressive behavior. You may have even seen the latest passive-aggressive memes or email sign-offs like: “As per my last email.” Insert eye-roll. And while these memes and posts certainly bring a laugh, when your partner acts passively aggressively, it’s not so funny – it hurts and can erode relationship satisfaction if not dealt with in a healthy way.
Passive-aggressive behavior has detrimental effects on a relationship. Take this example of Alex and Sam’s relationship:
A passive-aggressive example between Alex and Sam
Alex and Sam have been together for several years. One evening, they are trying to decide what to have for dinner.
Alex: “Hey Sam, what do you feel like having for dinner tonight? I was thinking maybe we could order some Thai food.”
Sam: “I don’t really care. You always pick what we eat anyway.”
Alex: “Uh, okay, how about Thai food then?”
Sam: (sighs) “Sure, whatever you want.”
Despite agreeing to order Thai food, Sam’s tone and body language indicate dissatisfaction. The sigh is filled with contempt. Throughout the evening, Sam exhibits passive-aggressive behavior:
- Delayed responses: When Alex asks Sam to help choose dishes from the menu, Sam takes an unusually long time to respond, acting distracted and uninterested.
- Sarcastic comments: After the food arrives, Sam remarks sarcastically, “Oh great, more pad thai. How original.”
- Silent treatment: During dinner, Sam is unusually quiet, responding with one-word answers and avoiding eye contact, creating a tense atmosphere.
- Intentional mistakes: When it’s time to clean up, Sam deliberately leaves the leftover containers open, leading to a spill in the refrigerator later.
These actions create a feeling of unease for Alex, who feels confused by Sam’s behavior. Despite agreeing on dinner, Sam’s passive-aggressive actions create strain, leaving both partners frustrated and disconnected.
In this scenario, Sam’s passive-aggressive behavior manifests through indirect expressions of frustration and resentment. Instead of openly communicating their feelings about the dinner decision, Sam uses sarcasm, delays, and the silent treatment, which leads to misunderstandings and emotional distance. Addressing such behavior through open communication and couples therapy can help Alex and Sam resolve these underlying issues and improve their relationship dynamics.
What is passive-aggressive behavior?
Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of negative feelings rather than a direct expression of your feelings—it’s the expression of hostility. A passive-aggressive example in a relationship is a backhanded compliment. A common form of this is using the word “but,” such as, “You are usually so fun to be around, but that has been few and far between lately because work makes you so stressed out.” Passive-aggressive behavior shows up when you avoid acknowledging emotions like resentment, anger, fear, sadness, or frustration and instead resort to displaying negative behaviors.
Why does passive-aggressive behavior happen?
There are plenty of reasons why you or your partner may resort to passive-aggressive behavior. Intellectually, a direct expression of emotions makes a lot of sense: if I just say what I really want, it will make my life and my partner’s life much easier. However, in reality, there are many reasons why you may not want to be so direct.
When you understand some of these reasons, it can help turn your view of your partner from “They’re just so mean!” to one that’s more compassionate, “Oh, you’re really uncomfortable with conflict. Can we work on this together?” Here are three common reasons that we see couples avoid direct communication with each other:
Reason 1: Family of origin
Maybe you didn’t see direct communication role-modeled well growing up in your family of origin. Or, consider the opposite. If someone in your family shared what they really wanted or needed, no one attended to those needs, or they got shamed or blamed. Over time, that person learned to stuff down their wants or feelings and instead protested indirectly.
Reason 2: Your relationship doesn’t have emotional safety
Emotional safety is feeling secure, valued, and respected in a relationship. Couples who feel emotionally safe can express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, rejection, or retaliation. It fosters trust and openness, allowing for honest, direct, and vulnerable communication. If you make a bid for connection and it gets ignored or turned against, you aren’t going to feel emotionally safe to be open and honest. Being direct in communicating your feelings, desires, and needs requires vulnerability. To take such a risk, you need emotional safety in your relationship. This safety allows you to express yourself openly without fear of judgment or rejection.
Reason 3: You don’t like conflict
Conflict avoidance is when you avoid disagreements and confrontations, often to prevent discomfort or maintain peace. You might believe that by keeping your feelings to yourself, you can maintain harmony in the relationship and avoid hurting your partner’s feelings. While you may “sweep things under the rug” for now, we know the issues will eventually come forward in other ways. Ironically, when you avoid conflict in a relationship, it often still creates conflict or distress.
Steps to recognize and reduce your passive-aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is something we’ve all either done or experienced. It’s a common communication hiccup. However, it’s also something that can be addressed and avoided in the future. Follow these steps to recognize and reduce your passive-aggressive behavior.
Step 1: Invite your partner into a discussion using a soft start-up
Step 2: Identify your behavior
Step 3: Take responsibility for your behavior
Step 4: Relate your behavior to what you hoped to accomplish—why were you avoiding direct communication with your partner?
Step 5: Acknowledge and empathize with how your behavior impacts your partner
Step 6: Discuss how you and your partner can help build more acceptance and emotional safety to share more directly
In the example of Sam and Alex, here’s how this conversation might go:
Step 1: Invite your partner into a discussion
- Sam: “I feel bad about how I behaved last night. Can we talk about dinner? I want to explain my behavior and how I was feeling.”
Step 2: Identify your behavior
- Sam: “I realize I’ve been acting passive-aggressively, especially during our dinner decisions.”
Step 3: Take responsibility for your behavior
- Sam: “I understand that my sarcasm and the silent treatment were hurtful, and I take full responsibility for not expressing my feelings directly.”
Step 4: Relate your behavior to what you were hoping to accomplish
- Sam: “I guess I was hoping you’d notice my frustration and ask me more about what I really wanted. But that wasn’t fair to you. Speaking up and disagreeing wasn’t okay growing up in my family; if I did, I got in trouble and yelled at. I learned if I didn’t want yelling, I should just go with the flow. I realize now that isn’t true with you. You won’t get mad at me if I tell you I’m not in the mood for Thai food. (looking at Alex with a smile)”
Step 5: Acknowledge and empathize with how your behavior impacts your partner
- Sam: “I can see how my actions must have been confusing and hurtful. You were just trying to order a nice dinner, and my behavior made it stressful instead.”
Step 6: Discuss how you and your partner can help build more acceptance and emotional safety to share more directly
- Sam: “I want us to have a more open and direct way of communicating. I will work on being more clear about my preferences and feelings. How does that sound?”
- Alex: “I appreciate you bringing this up, Sam. I’m grateful you realize I won’t get mad at you for sharing your preferences with me, especially when it comes to dinner. (smiling back) I think it would help if we both tried to be more upfront about what we want. I’ll ask more specific questions so I can better understand your preferences.”
- Sam: “That sounds good. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you directly. I realize that secretly hoping you’ll read between the lines doesn’t work. Let’s agree to check in regularly to ensure we’re both feeling heard and understood.”
We can help you and your partner communicate directly.
If you or your partner tend to use a passive-aggressive communication style in your relationship, we can help. Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.