Have you ever felt self-conscious about your attraction to someone other than your partner? Romantic or physical attraction towards others can feel threatening to a committed, monogamous relationship. Many partners feel guilty, confused, or afraid that even mentioning a crush could harm their relationship.
But what if a crush could actually be useful—offering insight, emotional connection, and even strengthening your relationship? And what if you and your partner could feel more confident when it comes to exploring those experiences together? Keep reading for more insight about what you can learn from your crushes.
It’s normal to have a crush, even if you’re in a healthy, committed relationship.
Crushes—defined as “an intense and usually passing infatuation”—are surprisingly common, even among happy couples. Many people experience a crush without any intention of acting on it. Instead, crushes appear to serve another purpose, creating a sense of “excitement, increased esteem, and fantasy/escape.”
Attraction is part of being human. While we can’t control who we’re drawn to, we can choose how we respond. Acknowledging a crush doesn’t mean something is wrong. Instead, it may reflect unmet needs, curiosity, or admiration for qualities you value.
Should you talk to your partner about your crush?
Like so many facets of a relationship, it depends! The decision to share depends on your relationship’s emotional safety, trust, and boundaries. Some partners might feel hurt or insecure when learning about the other’s crush. Others may feel curious or open to exploring the conversation.
What matters is how you approach the topic with respect and sensitivity, asking your partner how they feel about the crushes in the first place.
- Focus on how the crush makes you feel, rather than naming the person or details.
- Emphasize that a crush is about feelings—not actions.
- Be clear about your boundaries and intentions.
This approach keeps your feelings in check and can provide greater insight into what attracts you in romantic relationships.
These conversations, when handled respectfully, can offer deeper self-awareness and even spark intimacy.
Know the difference between a crush and real love.
When you acknowledge the difference between infatuation and love, you can help safeguard your commitment to your partner and make the topic of crushes feel less stressful.
Infatuation is often based on idealized images.
You might admire someone’s confidence but overlook their emotional unavailability. Crushes tend to amplify fantasy while muting flaws.
You may admire someone’s intellectual confidence but fail to notice their lack of emotional openness. Essentially, you might find yourself ignoring the aspects of a crush that you don’t particularly like, which is a very different experience from being in love.
Love, on the other hand, is grounded in reality.
It includes awareness of your partner’s imperfections and the daily choice to stay connected. You respect your partner’s differences, enjoy true intimacy, and work together as a team.
Partners in a loving relationship choose to commit to each other despite awareness of each other’s flaws.
A respectful and safe conversation about crushes can begin when you acknowledge to yourself and your partner that you recognize the difference between a crush and love.
Why boundaries matter with crushes
While having a crush is a normal experience, how you respond to it matters. It’s important to stay mindful of your actions and how they might affect others—especially your partner.
Without clear boundaries, even unspoken attraction can lead to confusion, discomfort, or crossing personal lines. Defining what feels respectful—for yourself and within your relationship—can create a sense of safety if and when the topic comes up.
Loose or unclear boundaries can increase the risk of behaviors that unintentionally hurt others or cross your own internal lines of conduct. Clarifying expectations with your partner—and checking in with yourself—helps keep your connection grounded and protected.
Boundaries to consider:
- Avoiding one-on-one time with your crush
- Not engaging in flirty conversations
- Redirecting mental energy toward your relationship
Boundaries protect your connection, even if the attraction is never acted on. While you may not control the feelings that arise, you do have agency over how you respond to them.
What can a crush reveal about you or your relationship?
Even if you and your partner don’t discuss your crushes, there are valuable insights from exploring what your crush means to you. Remember, the sheer reality of having a crush does not always mean something is wrong with your relationship.
A crush can shed light on your needs, desires, and aspirations that may be unmet with your partner.
Ask yourself these three questions to unlock your deeper or unmet needs.
1. Is there something attractive about my crush that I wish to embody or experience in my own life?
2. Does my crush have shared values, hobbies, or interests that resonate with me? What does this reveal about my own priorities and interests?
3. How does my crush make me feel? Do they make me feel interesting, understood, and validated? What does that reveal about my emotional needs and desires in my relationship?
For example, you might find yourself feeling a sense of playfulness, admiration, or emotional closeness with a colleague—a dynamic often described as having a “work wife” or “work husband.” While these connections can feel harmless, they may still stir emotional energy worth paying attention to.
These questions may help you discover that you’re craving something more from your relationship or your partner. These realizations can lead to deeper conversations and emotional closeness.
The goal isn’t to shame the crush—but rather use it as a prompt for curiosity and reflection.
Crushes don’t have to crush your connection
The topic of crushes can feel emotionally loaded if you are in a committed relationship. You might worry about hurting each other’s feelings or feel guilty for experiencing outside attraction. However, attraction is a normal part of life—not necessarily a threat to your relationship, and its presence doesn’t mean your relationship is unhappy or in trouble.
With honesty, boundaries, and reflection, a crush can actually highlight what you value and want to nurture with your partner. When you’re at ease with the topic, you can benefit from reflecting on the specific reasons you’re attracted to your crush and learn about your needs, desires, and aspirations.
If you and your partner are navigating attraction outside your relationship and want a space to talk about it, therapy can help.