How do you manage your feelings? Are emotions helpful or unnecessary? Are there some emotions that are okay to express while others are not? How did the family you were raised in handle emotions—anger, sadness, joy, disgust, and worry?
As couples therapists, these are the kinds of questions we ask clients when we begin working together. They help us understand how emotions either bring couples closer or push them apart.
For some couples, having different ways of managing emotions can lead to feelings of disconnection.
What emotional disconnect can look like in real life
Imagine this fictitious couple, Reggie and Alisha. They’ve been together for nine months and really enjoy each other’s company. You’ll find them on nature hikes, riding their bikes on trails, and spending the weekends in the mountains.
But recently, Reggie found out his company was being acquired, and his job might be on the line. That night, he came home from work quieter than usual. They were making dinner together when he finally said:
Reggie: “I got pulled into a meeting today. The company’s restructuring. My role’s probably going to change—or disappear.”
Alisha: “Okay, well… maybe this is a good thing? Maybe it’ll push you to find something better.”
Reggie: “Alisha, I might lose my job. I don’t really want a silver lining right now.”
Alisha: “I’m just trying to help. Sitting in the stress won’t change anything.”
Reggie: “I’m not asking you to fix it. I just wanted to tell you how I’m feeling.”
After that, dinner was quiet. Reggie cleared the dishes and went to the bedroom. Alisha stayed on the couch scrolling her phone. They didn’t talk for the rest of the night.
It wasn’t their first emotional misfire. Reggie had started noticing a pattern: when he shared anything vulnerable, Alisha either changed the subject or offered quick advice. He felt like there was no room for his sadness or worry. She, on the other hand, often felt caught off guard—unsure what to say or how to handle the weight of Reggie’s emotions.
He felt dismissed. She felt like she was failing. Both of them ended up distant, replaying the conversation and wishing it had gone differently.
They want to learn how to handle these situations differently—because if they don’t, they worry the emotional disconnect in their relationship will only deepen over time.
What is an emotional mismatch?
Reggie’s emotional worldview
Reggie values emotions. To him, they’re not just fleeting feelings; they’re signs that point to unmet needs. And even emotions such as depression or sadness signal that some need is not getting met (e.g., experiencing loss, disconnection, loneliness). He likes talking about his feelings, and he wants his partner to be emotionally expressive and responsive back.
Alisha’s emotional background
Alisha grew up in a home where emotions weren’t seen as useful or productive. Her family valued positivity and practicality: She tends to “look at the bright side” and, for as long as she can remember, “there is no use in being sad.” For Alisha, feelings like sadness or anger don’t signal something to explore—they signal something to fix or avoid.
So it’s no surprise that when Reggie leans into emotion and Alisha leans away, they end up feeling misunderstood and disconnected.
The Change Triangle: A framework for understanding emotions
According to The Change Triangle, there are seven core emotions we all experience: fear, anger, sadness, disgust, joy, and sexual excitement. These core emotions are not inherently good or bad—they’re signals. They give us insight into what we need, what we value, or what might not be working.
But many of us grow up learning to avoid these emotions. Instead of feeling sadness, we feel anxiety. Instead of naming fear, we go into fix-it mode or detachment. These are called inhibitory emotions (like shame, guilt, or anxiety) and defensive behaviors (like fixing, minimizing, or withdrawing). They shield us from core emotions when we don’t feel safe feeling them.
Ideally, couples would be open and stay in an authentic state, such as being curious or feeling calm and compassionate during their conversations to allow connection around the core emotions to happen. In Reggie and Alisha’s relationship, it would be helpful to understand how emotions are necessary and what emotions are trying to tell us.
In Reggie and Alisha’s case, Reggie expresses core emotions, mainly sadness and fear, about losing his job. His way of managing those feelings is to share with his partner. Conversely, Alisha isn’t used to feeling and expressing core emotions, so she responds with a “fix-it” reply: defensive behavior. Her response is akin to feeling anxiety (inhibitory emotion), rather than feeling the fear (core emotion).
The result? Reggie feels unseen while Alisha feels ineffective. And the emotional gap between them widens. How do they get out of this stuck place?
How to close the gap: Build emotional awareness
Reggie and Alisha’s recurring tension isn’t just about how they communicate—it’s about how they relate and relay their emotions. These patterns often come from early experiences, unspoken family rules, or strategies that made sense at the time. The same is often true for many couples navigating an emotional disconnect.
But these dynamics aren’t fixed. They can shift when partners are willing to get curious, slow down, and see the emotional layers under the surface.
To begin shifting these patterns, it helps to understand where they come from. Emotional mismatches aren’t just about communication style—they’re often shaped by past experiences, family modeling, and what we’ve each learned to protect. That’s why building self-awareness is such a critical first step in improving relationship communication.
Start by exploring your emotional upbringing
One useful starting point is reflecting on your emotional upbringing:
How were emotions handled in your family? What was encouraged, dismissed, or punished? What did you learn—explicitly or implicitly—about sadness, anger, or fear?
This kind of reflection can bring clarity to moments that once felt confusing. Take Alisha: her instinct to “fix it” when Reggie feels sad doesn’t come from coldness—it comes from years of believing that sadness is something to bypass. Reggie’s need to be seen emotionally isn’t excessive; it reflects his worldview, where emotions are a guide, not a threat.
Understanding those inner maps allows both partners to move out of reaction and into connection.
Here’s how Alisha and Reggie could try this:
Alisha: “I think when you talk about feeling worried, I immediately want to fix it—because that’s what we did in my family. No one really sat in hard feelings.”
Reggie: “Yeah, in mine, we had to talk about what we were feeling. If we didn’t, it felt like we weren’t showing up for each other.”
Start by slowing your response
When a partner expresses strong emotion, it’s easy to want to solve it, silence it, or move past it. Instead of following that urge, pause. Take a breath. You don’t have to fix the feeling. Often, what matters most is simply staying in it—with presence and without retreating.
Let’s see how Alisha and Reggie could slow down their responses:
Alisha: “I can feel myself wanting to jump in and make it better. I’m trying to slow down and just hear you.”
Reggie: “Thanks. Right now I don’t need solutions—I just need to feel like I’m not alone in this.”
Shift from defense to curiosity
Instead of trying to get the interaction “right,” try to understand it. What’s actually happening beneath the surface? Are you feeling anxious and calling it irritation? Are you withdrawing out of fear, not disinterest?
Even being able to say, “I think I’m pulling back right now,” or “I’m overwhelmed and don’t know how to respond,” can soften the dynamic. Language doesn’t need to be perfect. But it helps when both people are trying to name—not just react to—their experience.
Here’s how Reggie and Alisha could shift towards curiosity:
Reggie: “I think I came across short earlier. Honestly, I was scared, but it showed up as frustration.”
Alisha: “I didn’t realize that—I thought you were mad at me. It helps to know it was fear underneath.”
Use the Change Triangle as a shared framework
The Change Triangle gives couples a common map to chart what’s happening emotionally. With this map, you can both recognize defensive reactions and name inhibitory feelings, such as shame or anxiety, and identify core emotions, like fear or sadness. This way, you’re not just describing conflict, you’re making space for a different kind of repair.
The more couples use shared language like this, the more they disrupt the automatic scripts that keep them stuck.
Reggie and Alisha try the Change Triangle:
Alisha: “When you brought up money, I noticed myself getting anxious and trying to change the subject. That’s probably my defense kicking in.”
Reggie: “I get that. I was feeling sad and helpless, but I didn’t know how to say it in the moment.”
You don’t need perfect words for this kind of conversation. What matters most is the effort to tune in, stay present, and name the emotions that are really surfacing—even when it’s hard to do.
Support different emotional rhythms
Emotional mismatches aren’t a sign that something’s broken. Often, they reflect different nervous systems, histories, and learned responses. You don’t have to match each other exactly—but you do need to respect each other’s rhythm.
That might mean one partner slowing their pace, so the other can stay present. It might mean creating space to reflect before responding. Or it might look like checking in with one another after, rather than during, a heated moment.
Helpful resources to explore emotional health
If you find that your relationship has an emotional mismatch like Reggie and Alisha, there are ways to deepen your emotional connection.
These resources can help you better understand your emotional responses and take a pulse on what your emotions are signaling to you:
- Permission to Feel by Dr. Marc Brackett
- It’s Not Always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel
While self-guided resources can offer valuable insight, sometimes you need more than a book or a framework. If the emotional gap between you and your partner feels persistent or difficult to navigate on your own, that’s a good indicator that it might be time to bring in support.
When therapy can help an emotional mismatch
It’s common for couples to place different emphasis on emotions. Understandably, each person comes from a different family, life experience, and emotional background. Left unaddressed, those mismatches can create lasting frustration and disconnection.
But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
If you could use help naming and feeling emotions in a way that strengthens your relationship, our team can help.
Common FAQs on emotional mismatches
Q: What is an emotional mismatch in relationships?
A: It refers to when partners have different ways of expressing, processing, or responding to emotions—often shaped by their upbringing or emotional worldview.
Q: Can couples work through emotional mismatches?
A: Yes. With emotional awareness and communication tools, couples can learn to understand each other’s emotional language and build greater connection.