Last Updated on March 19, 2025
Hearing someone say, “I’m giving them the silent treatment” brings up an array of emotions and memories. I feel anxious, recalling times when someone deliberately ignored me, and petty, remembering when I used silence to express frustration or “teach a lesson.” I also feel silly thinking about the ages I believed the silent treatment was effective or harmless.
It is essential to understand the significant and harmful effects that the silent treatment can have on relationships, as it undermines trust and emotional connection. While this behavior is often associated with childhood conflicts and adolescent disagreements, it can escalate to a level that constitutes emotional abuse. When the silent treatment is used to harm, manipulate, or punish someone, it can severely damage the relationship.
Recognizing the potential damage that the silent treatment can cause is crucial for fostering healthier interactions and promoting emotional well-being. Let’s take a look at what the silent treatment is, what it can look like, and what to do about it.
What is the “silent treatment?”
The silent treatment occurs when someone consciously chooses to ignore another person, often in response to anger or frustration. Unlike stonewalling, which can happen unconsciously, the silent treatment is marked by its intentionality. Those giving the silent treatment deliberately refuse communication, aiming to punish or express displeasure nonverbally.
Examples of the silent treatment include:
- Ignoring texts and calls
- Dismissing bids for connection
- Refusing to make eye contact
- Not responding to direct questions
- Shutting a child or others out due to their misbehavior
The hallmark of the silent treatment is the active decision to ignore or withdraw from interaction, contrasting with stonewalling, which may serve as a coping mechanism rather than a deliberate action.
The impact of the silent treatment
The silent treatment can profoundly affect the person being ignored and the one delivering it. The recipient may feel confused, rejected, anxious, or ashamed. It can chip away at self-esteem and leave lasting emotional scars if not addressed. On the other hand, the person giving the silent treatment may feel disappointment, frustration, resentment, or a desire for control. While the silent treatment may seem like a complete response to an argument or issue, this tactic often leaves issues unresolved, which is why it’s so important to address the deeper, lingering unresolved feelings.
How to respond to the silent treatment
The silent treatment is very effective in making the person being ignored feel intense and often negative feelings. These feelings can have long lasting consequences if not addressed properly.
So, how can you address the silent treatment?
- Stay calm. It can feel natural to react defensively or demand attention when someone is purposely withholding.
- Give the person space. Sometimes people need time to process their emotions and decompress.
- Let them know you’re open to listening when they’re ready to communicate. You can say things like: “I care about you and want to address whatever has caused you to ignore me, can we talk?”, “What would make this situation better?”, or even “I know that “x” has hurt you, can we talk about how it made you feel?”
- Reflect on the potential cause of the silence and whether there’s an unresolved issue that needs addressing or an apology on your part.*
When you use these steps with whomever is giving you the silent treatment, you acknowledge their feelings and communicate that you’re willing to address the problem and work things out. It also can let them know that being ignored in this fashion can hurt you, too.
*It’s important to note that if you think the silent treatment is being used against you as a form of emotional abuse, there may be no logical response to your attempts for repair. If you think you are in an abusive relationship, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) or seek professional help for individual counseling. According to the NDVH, abuse is not a relationship problem, it is the problem of the abuser, and the abuser alone.
How to break the habit of using the silent treatment
If you find yourself giving someone the silent treatment, consider asking yourself the following questions to identify the root cause of your behavior. You can discover valuable insights when you take the time to reflect on the “why.”
- What did this person (whom I’m giving the silent treatment to) do to upset me?
- Can this issue be resolved through a conversation?
- Did they do it on purpose, or could I have been hurt unintentionally?
- Do they know I’m feeling hurt, or could they be assuming everything is fine?
Answering these questions may lead to a meaningful conversation that needs to take place. If you’re trying to avoid conflict, giving the silent treatment often prolongs the issue.
Since the silent treatment can manifest in various forms and affect different types of relationships, here are some tips to help you choose communication over silence in some common situations.
Ignoring texts and calls
If you are intentionally ignoring a text or calls from someone because you feel hurt or avoidant, you can send a message that says:
“Hey, I feel hurt by “x,” I need some time to work through my feelings. Can we talk about this at a later time?”
This lets them know how you feel, while communicating that you need space and time before addressing the problem. It also gives them the opportunity to reflect and apologize if necessary.
Ignoring a child
If you are ignoring your child due to bad behavior or out of annoyance, there are alternative methods of handling the situation.
Instead of shunning your child by ignoring them due to something they’ve done, communicate with them how their behavior is upsetting. Use positive reinforcement when they behave in an appropriate way. For example, when they use friendly tones you can say:
“Thank you for using your inside voice! I really love your inside voice.”
It’s important to understand the damage that can be done when parents ignore their children for a prolonged amount of time. Giving the silent treatment to your child can affect their self-esteem, cause attachment issues or emotional distress, and create lasting anxieties. Modeling good communication can help inform their behavior.
Ignoring in a social setting
If you are intentionally ignoring someone in a group setting, it can be ostracizing and extremely harmful. It is unkind, and can be a form of bullying. If you feel hurt by someone’s actions or words, you can pull them aside and have a private conversation with them. You can something like:
“Hey, when you said “x,” it really upset me. I don’t want to harbor any ill will, can we talk about it?”
They may not be aware of how their behavior affected you. When we communicate how we feel, we can reach a solution in a more effective way.
Ignoring parents, siblings, and family
Family dynamics vary, and if a family member hurts you, it’s tempting to cut off all communication. Sometimes no-contact is necessary for your well-being, but using the silent treatment without addressing the issue can prolong pain and prevent resolution. You can approach a conversation by using a soft start-up:
“Hey Mom and Dad, I don’t feel good about how our conversation ended at dinner last week, can we meet up to talk about how it made me feel?”
This states your need while using gentle “I” statements, which can help ease the offending party. Family therapy, setting time to discuss hurts, and openly communicating can help repair strained relationships.
Don’t let the silent treatment rule your relationship.
The silent treatment is an intentional act that reflects a communication breakdown. Whether it’s used to avoid conflict or manipulate behavior, it highlights the need for open and honest communication. When we jump to the use of the silent treatment before addressing problems, we turn off our end of the conversation, which leaves room for assumptions, misunderstandings, and robbed apologies that could help work towards repair.
If you want help communicating or working on giving the silent treatment in your relationship, our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, or Texas. Contact us to get started.