AuDHD is the experience of having both Autism and ADHD—and it’s more common than you might think. For many couples, this dual neurotype can bring both strengths and challenges to a relationship, including emotional dysregulation, executive functioning struggles, and communication differences. With curiosity and support, partners can create a deeper connection. In this guide, we explore what AuDHD means, how it shows up in love and communication, and how to support a neurodiverse relationship with compassion.
Neurodiversity and various neurotypes
You may have heard of the term neurodiversity before. Simply put, neurodiversity refers to the natural variation in how people think, learn, and process information. This variation is part of the human experience, and it comes with both strengths and challenges. Some neurotypes found within the neurodiverse population include:
- ADHD
- Autism
- Dyscalculia
- Dyspraxia
- Dyslexia
- Learning disabilities
- Mental health conditions
- Tourette’s Syndrome
As you begin to explore or receive diagnoses related to your or your partner’s neurotype, there’s an opportunity for deeper self-understanding. However, living in a largely neurotypical world—where typical brain function and cognition are the assumed standard—can lead to challenges in connection, communication, and emotional regulation.
What is AuDHD?
As we learn about ourselves and get diagnosed with different things across our lifespan, there can be co-occurring neurotypes, meaning that someone can have multiple neurotypes. Co-occurring neurotypes are common. For example, someone may be diagnosed with both Autism and ADHD—a combination often referred to as AuDHD. This dual diagnosis presents a unique internal experience. While ADHD and Autism share some overlapping traits, they also differ in key ways.
Common traits of ADHD and Autism in adults:
- Sensory sensitivities (e.g., to loud music, clothing textures, or large crowds)
- Hyperfocus on interests
- Difficulty with executive functioning
- Insomnia
- Emotional dysregulation
- Differences in eye contact
- Rejection sensitivity
- Challenges in socializing
The internal conflict of AuDHD
The lived experience of AuDHD can feel like an internal tug-of-war. ADHD tends to drive spontaneity and impulsiveness, while Autism often prefers structure and routine. Both parts are often having an inner dynamic. Dr. Megan Neff, a mental health clinician with AuDHD, describes this inner dynamic vividly. She likens her ADHD part to an “unruly teenager” and her autistic part to the “responsible adult.” Example internal dialogue: Autism: “We’re totally off track today. Where’s the plan?” ADHD: “Relax. I’ll figure it out.” Autism: “Sure—until I’m the one cleaning up the mess.”
How does AuDHD show up in relationships?
As with all human experiences, we all desire to be loved. Someone with AuDHD likely has a negative and self-critical outlook simply for not interfacing with the world in a neurotypical way. This may have been reinforced throughout their life, like repeatedly being told to sit down in school, teased for reading too many books, or shamed for not making eye contact. Relationships where one or both partners are neurodivergent, especially with AuDHD, can involve:
- Missing appointments or losing track of time
- Needing alone time after overstimulation
- Over-explaining or masking emotions
- Difficulty transitioning between tasks
Now that we have explored what AuDHD is, the internal narrative associated, and what it may look like in a relational context, let’s consider how you can support your partner. Someone with neurodivergence will process and interface with the world differently than someone who is neurotypical. Here are some key tips for supporting your AuDHD partner.
How you can support your partner with AuDHD: 5 Key Tips
Whether you are neurotypical and your partner is neurodivergent with AuDHD, or whether you both are neurodivergent, each partner tends to view their relationship differently. It can be helpful to talk to your partner about their experience with AuDHD instead of making assumptions. While communicating about the traits that may lead you to think they have AuDHD or discussing the diagnosis at large, being intentional and curious about their experience can go a long way.
1. Ask open-ended questions without judgment
Loving someone with AuDHD starts with curiosity and compassion. Ask thoughtful questions and avoid making assumptions. Remember, their inner world may not always align with what you see on the outside.
2. Learn about masking and sensory overload
Try not to make assumptions about their experience. It can be frustrating to have to filter and mask to communicate in a neurotypical world. Masking refers to how one hides their ADHD or autistic traits in social settings. This takes a great deal of emotional energy to regulate and interface in a neurotypical world. This leads to concealing parts of one’s identity to be accepted; in some settings, masking can be a helpful skill, and in others, there is a cost to the AuDHD person’s mental health. Another factor to consider is sensory overload. Sensory overload can occur for AuDHD people when their nervous system is bombarded by all the sensory inputs (i.e. touch, taste, smell, sound, and sight) around them. This can be overwhelming and have impacts on their emotional state. It can be helpful to talk to your partner about what some of their known sensory triggers are to be aware of what may send them into sensory overload.
3. Normalize routine and downtime
As seen above, the AuDHD mindset can be chaotic in trying to be structured and spontaneous. As the AuDHD partner, it can be helpful to calm the chaotic brain of your partner by normalizing a space for both structure and spontaneity. Human tendencies are to thrive with structure and routine – it also gives us predictability. However, we all need downtime that is unstructured to recharge and be creative. It can be helpful to normalize for your partners that you want to get to know their unmasked self, and that there is a space for their autistic and ADHD selves. The exciting piece is that you get to keep learning about your partner. You are not responsible or tasked with helping your partner with their AuDHD; you are just tasked with learning about it. If your partner asks for support, then you can offer support.
4. Avoid “fixing”—focus on understanding
Because neurodiversity is a way of life, it is not something to be fixed but rather learned about. As you learn about neurodiversity, you may see that there are true superpowers that your partner has that you could never imagine for yourself.
5. Explore therapy together as a tool, not a correction
As you learn more about yourself, your neurotype, and how you uniquely interface with the world, consider checking out Divergent Conversations. Both podcast hosts identify themselves as AuDHD and are in occupations in the mental health field. They provide a wealth of knowledge surrounding the neurodiverse population. When you put the time and care into learning about your partner’s neurodiversity, you set your relationship up for a deeper, more meaningful connection.
Therapy and tools for neurodivergent couples
You and your partner can improve your relationship by seeing each other as allies and accepting AuDHD. Remember, you both fell in love with your best selves, and bringing that to the table means looking at what you need to work on, not just what needs to be changed. Therapy can help couples build communication patterns that honor both neurotypical and neurodivergent ways of processing. We offer:
- In-person therapy in Charlotte, NC and Carefree, AZ
- Virtual sessions for Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, and Vermont
- Clinicians trained in working with neurodiverse couples
Contact us to get started.
Key takeaways: Loving someone with AuDHD
- AuDHD is a dual diagnosis of Autism and ADHD.
- People with AuDHD may experience inner conflict between structure and spontaneity.
- Relationships thrive when partners lead with curiosity—not control.
- You don’t need to fix your partner’s neurodivergence—just learn with them.
- Therapy can help couples communicate, repair, and reconnect meaningfully.
Summary: AuDHD refers to individuals who are both Autistic and have ADHD. This dual neurotype brings strengths and challenges to relationships, including emotional dysregulation, executive functioning struggles, and communication differences. With curiosity and support—not fixing—partners can create deeper connection.