We’ve all heard the phrase “actions speak louder than words.” The common idiom is often associated with apologies, behaviors, and intentions, but perhaps its most crucial implication surrounds communication. Specifically, nonverbal communication. If you’ve found yourself in a place where words alone fall short, nonverbal communication can be hugely helpful in conveying feelings to your partner.
Nonverbal communication is an important part of any relationship, but especially romantic ones. Some studies show that spouses and long-term partners can read the nonverbal language of their partners and what they’re not saying, better than outsiders. This understanding aligns with higher marital and relationship satisfaction.
What is nonverbal communication?
Nonverbal communication is the process of relaying information without the use of words. It can be tiny, like the micro-gesture of sitting upright and fixing your posture, showing your partner you’re engaged and eager to hear what they have to say. Nonverbal communication can also consist of big gestures, like reaching out to hold a hand, rub a back, or embracing a loved one to show how you feel. While we may commonly associate “communication” with primarily the words that come out of our mouths, nonverbal communication can be just as powerful a tool for conveying the message.
What are some examples of nonverbal communication?
You’re using nonverbal and verbal communication whenever you deliver an in-person message, whether to a spouse, partner, coworker, friend, or even a stranger. Read on for some examples of nonverbal communication.
Eye contact
When we divert our eyes and fail to meet the eyes of the person we’re speaking with, you may be giving a message of avoidance, discomfort, or even a lack of attention. If you struggle with eye contact, try to hold eye contact for 3–4 seconds before looking away. It’s more important to maintain eye contact while listening than when you’re speaking; this lets the speaker know you’re engaged and listening.
Tone of voice
When it comes time to respond in the conversation, or you want to initiate a conversation, words are nothing without inflection. The way you deliver our message can truly convey your intent. Suppose you keep your voice soft and gentle. In that case, you can convey genuinity or earnestness, whereas raising your volume or keeping all inflection out of your voice can convey anger, apathy, and boredom.
Body language
You can gather much information about how someone feels and their attitude towards you or a situation by watching their body language. Crossed arms and turning away from the speaker can be signs of uncomfortability and being closed off. Someone tapping their foot or appearing restless can indicate anxiety or impatience. There can also be positive signs such as both feet placed firmly on the ground, pointing towards you as the speaker or towards your partner as the listener. Talking with your hands can signify a multitude of emotions such as passion, emphasis, and excitement.
Physical space
A nonverbal communication medium we rarely think about is space. Personal space is an internal boundary surrounding a person, creating a sense of physical and emotional comfort. If this boundary is crossed, it can make them feel uncomfortable, causing walls to go up because that boundary has been violated.
You may notice that certain people in your life are allowed in your space bubble more than others; this is normal as time allows for comfortability. When in conversation, it’s important to keep space in mind. Has your partner taken a step closer to you? A step further away? Do you feel like you want them in your bubble? Or maybe you want them as far from your bubble as possible. Utilizing the space between you and your partner can enhance and support nonverbal communication.
Hand gestures
Our hands can seem to have a mind of their own, but tuning into their messages can provide insight into your partner’s thoughts. Is your spouse clenching their fists? Fiddling with their fingers? Maybe they’re cracking their knuckles, running their hands through their hair, or gently reaching for the inside of your arm. These gestures tell stories about the emotions and feelings coursing through their body.
Touch
When there aren’t words to express how you feel, a touch can speak volumes. When in conversation, you may feel a knee rest against yours saying, “I’m here.” A hand on your shoulder can convey feelings of empathy and care.
The absence of touch can also convey a message, even after the conversation has ended. Maybe you’ve ended up on opposite sides of the couch, or the distance between you in bed seems too far to reach. Or perhaps your partner touches you whenever they can for reassurance and acknowledgment.
All of these nonverbal signals can work together or stand alone. Regardless, we can pick up what’s not being said when we pay attention to signs other than verbal cues.
It’s important to note that body language and nonverbal cues can look different from person to person, especially if you are in a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent. Those who are neurodivergent are sometimes less reliant on nonverbal communication like eye contact, tone of voice, gestures, or body language. This can make them appear less responsive, even when they are fully engaged in a conversation. Whether you’re in a relationship with someone who is neurodivergent or neurotypical, with time, observation, and communication, you can learn your partner’s cues, regardless of their form.
Nonverbal communication in practice
The next time you’re communicating with your partner, pay special attention to what nonverbal cues you’re delivering and what is being said by theirs. Let’s look at a communication scenario and what we can pick up from what isn’t being said!
Laura and Tom
Laura and Tom have been married for 3 years but have known each other for 10 years. If you would ask either of them who their best friend was, they would jump at the opportunity to mention the other. For a while now, Laura has felt frustrated by Tom’s lack of communication regarding his work schedule. He has started to stay at the office until 9 pm or later, claiming the busy season has arrived, and he wants to finish all his work before coming home.
One day, Laura’s friend Judy fleetingly mentions to Laura that she saw Tom at a bar downtown. Laura remembers that night and that Tom had said he had a lot of extra work to do, causing him to miss dinner. Catching him in this inconsistency, Laura decides to talk to Tom.
When Tom gets home from work Laura is sitting on their couch, knees pulled into her chest, biting her nails. She doesn’t get up to greet Tom, instead giving him a “hey” and a subtle nod. Tom sets his bag down and runs his hands through his hair. Laura confronts him, and they begin to discuss the problem.
Tom refuses to sit down, furrows his eyebrows, and crosses his arms as he paces back and forth. He has been working so hard lately—he rewarded himself by saying yes to one drink with some coworkers. Laura rests her face in her hands and begins to cry. Tom is worried about seeing Laura in this state and sits on the couch beside her. He puts a hand on her back and tries to look into her eyes. Laura shies away from his touch.
Nearing the end of the conversation, Laura and Tom face each other on the couch. Laura rests a hand on Tom’s knee, makes eye contact, and nods as she hears Tom’s apology and explanation. They both stand up and embrace the other.
While there was no dialogue in this example, you can pick out the emotions and unsaid words between the two. At first, there was frustration, defense, and sadness. But as the conversation progressed, feelings softened towards the other, and there was empathy and understanding, followed by acceptance and love.
Language of you
Sometimes words just aren’t enough. My husband and I use several gestures, or repair attempts, during times of frustration, overwhelm, or sadness. One example is taken from the Hulu show The Bear. As seen in the show, when things heat up in the kitchen (between chefs, not the stove!) they use the American Sign Language sign for “I’m sorry” to apologize sincerely to the other. Balling our right fists up and crossing our arm to rub the left side of our chests is our sign to each other that we’re sorry and we’re okay. The next time you’re in a conversation, tune into what isn’t being said, and maybe come up with some nonverbal gestures of your own.
For more help exploring and discerning nonverbal communication, our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.