Communication isn’t always easy in relationships, especially when emotions run high. Many couples struggle to express their true feelings directly to each other, fearing conflict, rejection, or simply not knowing how to put their emotions into words.
Instead of turning toward their partner, many people turn to others—or even to AI companions—for validation. This coping strategy is called triangulation, and it can quietly erode intimacy over time.
What is triangulation in relationships?
Triangulation happens when a third person is brought into a relationship to ease tension between two people. In family systems theory, this often looks like a child pulled into parental conflict. In romantic relationships, it might be confiding in a friend or venting online instead of having a vulnerable conversation with your partner.
Today, triangulation has taken on a digital form. Instead of talking to a trusted friend or therapist, people increasingly turn to AI companions, social media, or online communities. While these can feel supportive in the moment, they rarely lead to a deeper connection with your partner.
I’ve noticed this often in Moms Groups on social media, where someone will post about an interaction with their partner or a feeling they’re struggling with. The responses from people they don’t personally know typically include strong opinions, advice, validation, confirmation, or justification, but rarely does anyone suggest, “Have you talked to your partner directly to check your assumptions or share how you feel?”
It’s completely understandable to turn to your “tribe” for support or to get feedback on whether you’re out of line. But if it stops there—and you don’t go to the source to discuss or resolve the issue—you’ve just created a triangulation. While triangulation can bring temporary relief, it often leads to bigger problems over time, such as growing disconnection and unresolved tension. Let’s talk about why we triangulate next.
Why we triangulate: Reduce anxiety, avoid discomfort
At its core, triangulation serves a purpose: it helps reduce anxiety in the moment. When a difficult conversation feels overwhelming, a third entity—whether a friend, a child, or an AI chatbot—can provide comfort, validation, or even distraction. But that relief comes at a cost—it avoids the heart of the issue.
In couples therapy, we often see one partner feeling unheard or disconnected. Rather than initiating a direct conversation, they might scroll through social media or chat with AI tools that offer quick validation. These patterns feel safer, but they block emotional growth and connection.
The allure of AI: Safety without the emotional risk
Reading The Wall Street Journal article “When There’s No School Counselor, There’s a Bot” got me thinking about how AI is changing the way we communicate. A 17-year-old quoted in the piece said, “Someone cared” and “I have someone to talk to.” While AI may offer an accessible way to express emotions, the concern is that it reinforces one-sided interactions. AI doesn’t challenge us. It doesn’t get upset if we say something critical or use a defensive tone. It doesn’t require us to manage real-time emotional reactions.
In contrast, human interactions are messy. There is no set programmed response. They involve real-time feedback, spontaneous reactions, and emotional nuance. This messiness is where intimacy lives.
How AI can disrupt emotional communication in relationships
AI companions and responses are programmed to offer solutions and validation. But in intimate relationships, growth doesn’t come from fixing things immediately. It comes from sitting with your feelings, naming them, and sharing them with your partner—even, and especially, when it’s uncomfortable.
Emotional outsourcing means that couples miss an opportunity to build resilience, empathy, and closeness. Learning how to tolerate and navigate discomfort with your partner, rather than outsourcing it, is key to emotional intelligence and a lasting connection.
The very discomfort that makes human interactions challenging is what also makes them meaningful. The best love stories often involve individuals who face hardships and navigate tension together. Conflict and tension are a normal part of healthy relationships—but not everyone knows how to move through them. A good first step is breaking out of triangulation and learning to turn toward your partner instead of away.
Breaking the cycle: Turn toward your partner
If you recognize triangulation in your relationship—whether through AI, social media, or other third parties—the key is to shift your focus back to direct communication by turning towards a bid for connection, rather than away. This doesn’t mean eliminating all outside support, but rather being mindful of when you’re using it as a crutch rather than a tool for growth.
Here are a few ways to begin:
🧠 Notice when you’re outsourcing emotional connection
Are you turning to AI, social media, or other people instead of your partner? For example, you might sit with your child and say:
“You’re so sweet to hang out with me—unlike your dad, who’s too busy with his video games.”
This indirect communication may relieve anxiety, but it creates more distance.
😟 Practice tolerating discomfort
Direct conversations may feel awkward or difficult at first, but they’re necessary for deeper connection. Start small. You might say:
“Hey, I’m nervous to bring this up, but I miss spending time together. Could we plan a movie night soon, just the two of us?”
❤️ Build emotional safety
If conversations often lead to shutdowns or defensiveness, couples therapy can help create a safer emotional space. For instance, if one partner responds with, “What do you mean? We spend plenty of time together!”— it can shut the conversation down and prevent the other partner from expressing their needs in the future.
A therapist can help both partners learn how to validate each other’s needs without criticism or defensiveness.
Technology isn’t bad—unless it replaces human connection
Technology and AI aren’t the enemy. But when they become a substitute for direct emotional connection, they can reinforce avoidance rather than healing.
If your relationship communication feels stuck or overly reliant on outside validation, it may be time to reconnect with each other.
Ready to rebuild emotional connection?
Our team at Connect Couples Therapy is here to help you strengthen your relationship through honest, skillful communication. Whether you’re navigating emotional distance, triangulation, or communication breakdowns, we can help.
We offer in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ, and virtual therapy sessions for residents of Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Vermont.
📞 Contact us to get started today.