Does this scenario sound familiar? You’re preparing for a holiday trip with your family, excited for the usual meals and celebrations. But this year, there’s a twist: you’ve recently embraced sobriety. While every day can present challenges, reaching two months sober is a significant achievement. The anxiety of navigating family interactions while protecting your commitment to sobriety can be overwhelming.
The holiday season is a time for celebration, family gatherings, and cherished traditions, but for those who have recently chosen to live a sober life, it can also bring on anxiety and uncertainty. If you’ve made a significant commitment to sobriety, maintaining that commitment during family visits filled with festivities and potential triggers can be challenging.
In this article, we’ll explore how to set and maintain boundaries that honor your sobriety, allowing you to enjoy the holidays.
Why are boundaries critical to a sober lifestyle?
Your family may not know about your decision, and you’re understandably hesitant to share. You might worry about their reactions, fearing they’ll trivialize your journey or question why you didn’t disclose this sooner. These concerns are valid, and they underscore the importance of establishing clear boundaries.
Your boundaries reflect your values.
As you transition into a sober lifestyle, your values and needs may shift. You might have previously found joy in being the life of the party, but now you might prioritize reliability and personal growth. Boundaries help communicate these new values to those around you.
Your boundaries create a safe space.
Boundaries allow you to prioritize your sobriety, helping create a protective space where you can navigate social situations without compromising your commitment.
In your non-sober life, boundaries may have been loose or even non-existent concerning drinking or drug use behaviors. Past experiences may have blurred these lines, but now it’s vital to articulate what behaviors are acceptable and what triggers you need to avoid.
As you’ve evolved, you might want to be seen as someone reliable rather than intoxicated or hungover. This shift represents a meaningful way to honor your growth and communicate your new priorities.
Now that we better understand the importance of boundary setting and the unique challenges associated with sobriety, let’s put boundary setting into action! Read on for a meaningful 2-step process for successfully implementing boundaries. These two steps can apply to various situations, not just during holidays.
2 steps to setting and maintaining boundaries for a sober life
Step 1: Set your intentions
In my experience working with individuals and couples striving to maintain sobriety during challenging times—such as the holidays—I’ve found that while setting boundaries is crucial, it’s only one part of the process. Equally essential is setting intentions for your sobriety during these events. Boundaries help us establish physical and emotional limits, while intentions allow us to shape the mindset we want to bring into the experience.
Quick tip: Write your intentions in a journal or create a note on your phone. This way, you’ll always have access to your intentions and can look at them when you need encouragement.
Here are some key questions to consider as you set your intentions.
What are my goals or vision for my sobriety heading into this event?
This question is designed to enhance reflection on the type of person you want to show up as. For example, I want my sobriety to speak for itself. This may mean you want to be more present, engaging, and helpful.
How do I want to represent myself and my family at this event?
This may sound like, “I want to feel more confident in my sobriety, actually express pride in my decision to live a sober life, and stay true to myself and what works for me.
What commitments do I want to make with myself and to my partner or family while we are at this event?
I want to commit to being aware of my triggers and when I feel the environment is becoming less conducive to my sobriety, take breaks, or have the strength to leave it needed.
On a scale from 1-10, How confident do I feel about executing on these goals or visions for the weekend or event (1= little to no confidence, 10=very confident)?
Scaling questions help you assess your readiness to execute on your intentions and boundaries. It’s normal not to be a perfect 10. If your number is lower than you would like, think through the obstacles that may be standing in your way. Consider if there is anything within your control that could make the situation more manageable and make you more confident in your abilities.
When I look back on the event, what do I hope to see, and what do I hope not to see?
This question can help you mentally prepare to show up as the person you know you’re capable of becoming. Your reflection might sound something like this:
“After visiting my family for the holidays, I hope to look back and see someone who is strong, capable of doing hard things, and proud of their sober lifestyle.
I want to see someone who, although understandably nervous, feels this way because sobriety means so much to them, and they want to share the positive impact it has had.
What I don’t want to see is someone who feels responsible for managing others’ emotions. I don’t want to see someone slipping into old people-pleasing patterns or compromising their boundaries to make things easier for others.”
Step 2: Communicate your boundaries
Once your intentions are set, the next step is clearly communicating your boundaries. If you decide to attend the event, here are some considerations for implementing boundaries that may help reduce stress and anxiety as you prepare for various events this holiday season.
Consider giving people a heads-up.
Informing your loved ones about your sober lifestyle can benefit both you and them.
- Approach the conversation with a clear focus on your sober lifestyle. When you emphasize its importance, you help your loved ones understand its significance to you.
- Talk with key people ahead of time to reduce any anxiety you may have.
- Help your family prepare so they can meaningfully support your efforts. This may mean not offering alcohol, encouraging guests to bring their own beverages, or ensuring your favorite non-alcoholic options are available.
Try these clear and concise boundary-setting scripts.
The clearer and more consistent you are with your boundaries, the more likely others are to respect them. You don’t need to be aggressive or harsh—just firm. Here is some language my clients have found especially helpful:
Sharing a heads-up about your sober lifestyle
Giving your loved ones a heads-up about your recovery can ease anxiety for you and help them support you more effectively. Here’s how to get that conversation started:
“I have decided to be sober this holiday season. This is really important to me, and your support is important to me, too. Here’s how you can help…”
Declining drinks/substances
Keep it as simple as possible. Over-explaining why you’re not drinking can drain your energy. Here are a few quick and easy responses you can try:
“No, thank you.”
“No, thank you, I don’t drink.”
“No, thank you, but I would love a soda. Could you grab one for me?”
Why did you give it up?
There are usually many reasons why people choose to live a sober life, but sharing all your personal reasons at a holiday party may feel overwhelming. Having a few go-to statements for this question may help you navigate heavier questions. Try these:
“Just a personal choice” or “I just feel better without it” are simple, effective responses that are usually enough to satisfy curiosity. Often, people won’t press further. But if they do, you can decide how much you want to share based on your comfort level with that person.
Are you ready to start boundary-setting?
As you navigate the holiday season, remember that setting boundaries is an essential act of self-care and respect for your sober journey. By thoughtfully planning ahead, communicating your needs, and staying true to your values, you can protect your well-being and celebrate the season in ways that align with your goals. Empower yourself to create an environment where you feel supported and surround yourself with people who honor your choices.
Should you need additional support in preparing boundaries, our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.