First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes boundaries that you learn to manage!
I thought I was prepared for many of the nuances of married life. I knew that my now husband and I would be living together for the first time, and there would be differences in our lifestyles. I expected to discuss finances and shared accounts. I also recognized that many tasks I was used to managing alone would now involve another person. However, what I wasn’t prepared for was the need to establish boundaries with my in-laws and my own family.
We’re continuing our conversation about boundaries, focusing on the importance of healthy boundaries in marriage. You’ll learn how to establish boundaries with the new family you’ve gained through your partner and your family of origin. We’ve also included helpful scripts and language to help you affirm and communicate your boundaries. Let’s dive in!
Why are boundaries important for newlyweds?
Boundaries are the limits of what is acceptable to us as an individual. They are the “hard no’s” to what we find respectful, pleasing, and comfortable in our lives and interpersonal relationships. As a newlywed, instead of making decisions based only on what’s best for you, you now make decisions based on your new family of two or more if you have children.
Healthy boundaries within marriage mean that you recognize that you and your spouse now make up two parts of a whole pie. Your individual wants and needs need to be communicated to your spouse so they can help you set and maintain boundaries.
These boundaries can be about anything. They can be about how much time is spent with a partner’s family of origin, when calls are taken and how long they last, what information about your marriage is shared, or even about holiday time and expectations. The boundaries you set as a couple are meant to set you up for a healthy marriage that prioritizes your needs as spouses.
What are common boundaries for marriage?
Boundaries look different for every couple because boundaries are different for every person! Below are some common boundaries you can discuss with your spouse.
Privacy
If you have siblings or a close relationship with your parents, it may feel natural to turn to them with your problems. Conflicts and disagreements can seem overwhelming when you get married, but they are completely normal. These moments serve as opportunities for meaningful conversations with your spouse. However, if you share every negative interaction you have with your partner with your parents or siblings, it can create a distorted perception of your partner, leading to bias or judgment that may not reflect their true character.
Holidays and traditions
Choosing where to spend major holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving can be a stressful experience. Often, long-held traditions or preferences conflict with the desires of family members on both sides. It’s helpful to have a conversation with your spouse to determine how you’ll navigate holidays and traditions as a couple. Once you have a clear decision, you can better support each other if your parents react negatively.
Siblings
You might consider your siblings as great friends, or you may have little to no relationship with them at all. If your relationship with your siblings differs from your spouse’s, establishing boundaries might feel uncomfortable for you or them. Before marriage, your siblings may have visited whenever they pleased and been involved in all aspects of your life. After marrying, it may become more appropriate to arrange visits with your siblings in advance and to prioritize your relationship with your spouse.
Parents and in-laws
Your relationship with your parents and in-laws can feel like the most challenging relationship to set boundaries around. While it can feel heavy, parental disappointment and frustration are not your responsibility to fix. As a married couple, you have your own rules, preferences, and comfortabilities. You have every right to set boundaries with parental units around intrusive questions, family visits, events, privacy, and communication.
Friends
Before you were married, you may have spent time with friends in a routine way. Maybe you grabbed breakfast with them every day or went out together every weekend. Friends are often the first people we turn to when we face relationship problems. It’s perfectly fine to maintain close friendships and continue your routines with them. However, discussing boundaries in friendships with your spouse can have lasting benefits for your relationship and help clarify expectations.
4 steps to setting healthy boundaries in your marriage
Your partner plays a crucial role in helping you set boundaries with your family and friends. They can support you in establishing and maintaining these healthy marriage boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable. Here are four steps and helpful scripts to set and maintain boundaries:
1. Name what’s important to you.
Take some time to sit down with your spouse and discuss what matters most to each of you individually. Your priorities will likely differ, and that’s perfectly fine! Next, talk about what is important to both of you in your marriage. By sharing what is essential for your well-being, you can support one another in setting boundaries that uphold your values.
“Hey babe, I really admire how your family can spend hours at the dinner table exchanging stories and enjoying conversation with each other, but sometimes I can feel really overwhelmed. Can we sit down and talk about how I can honor my space and evening while still showing up for your family?”
2. Evaluate your relationships.
Unique relationships require unique boundaries. You may have very different boundaries for an overbearing parent than you would for a good friend who has their own healthy boundaries. Reflecting on the dynamics and significance of your relationships helps determine the boundaries you want to set.
- Is this relationship based on equality and mutual respect?
- Do I trust this person and feel supported by them?
- When conflict happens is there a mutual desire to find a solution and seek peace?
- Do I feel like there is mutual independence in this relationship?
- Is there any sort of unbalanced power and control in the relationship?
- Do I feel heard, understood, and loved in this relationship?
- Do I want to continue the relationship as it stands right now, or make changes?
3. Keep it simple and communicate.
The next step is to communicate your boundaries to the people in your life who are affected by them. Once you’ve established your boundaries, it’s important to use clear, concise language that is straightforward and difficult to misinterpret. Being as direct as possible ensures that your boundary is heard and understood. Your spouse’s role in this process is to be supportive, affirming, and consistent.
“Taylor, I’ve been trying to cut back on calls after dinner, I want to hold that space to unwind and recharge with my husband. Can we start scheduling our calls during the afternoon or early morning?”
4. Correct and repeat.
Not everyone will respect your boundaries in the same way. If you feel your boundary is being crossed or ignored, clearly and firmly let the boundary crosser know they have overstepped. Your partner can also reaffirm your boundaries, demonstrating their support and alignment with your needs and intentions.
“Mom, we have said no to coming to Christmas in Virginia this year. We are more than happy to host you and Dad at our house but the drive is not feasible for us this winter. If you continue to guilt us about this we will limit our conversations until after the holidays.”
Affirmations for maintaining boundaries
After years of independence, creating a united front with your new spouse can feel challenging. Sometimes, close friends and family, such as a mother or sister, might struggle to accept your new partnership and the prioritization of your spouse. They may not understand or respect the boundaries you need to set. This situation can feel frustrating and invalidating.
The following affirmations can help you in those challenging times when you’re trying to set and enforce boundaries for the good of your marriage.
- It is okay to say no to my parents.
- My needs are valid and important.
- My spouse and our life together comes first.
- It is okay to prioritize our well-being as a couple.
- I am in control of my time, energy, and attention.
- I am an adult and have independence and autonomy.
- Not wanting to do something is enough reason to say “no.”
- My relationship with my spouse is stronger when we respect each other’s needs.
When we’re not used to saying “no” to people, it can be hard to set and maintain the healthy marriage boundaries we put in place. By repeating these affirmations you may find it easier to stick to the boundaries you are setting.
How do we move forward if our boundaries conflict?
There may come a time when you realize a boundary looks different for your spouse than it does for you. When I was first married, I missed my family a lot. I moved with my husband to a different part of the country, and I felt guilty for missing out on the life events of my younger siblings, family celebrations, and being a part of their daily lives.
About seven months into our marriage, my husband sat me down and expressed that he felt stretched thin and overwhelmed when we were home with my family. I didn’t realize that the joy and satisfaction I felt from being home was causing stress and exhaustion for my husband. After talking about it, we agreed that if I wanted to see my family outside of holidays and big celebrations, it would be okay to go alone. We also set the boundary that if we felt overwhelmed at the other’s family homes, we could excuse ourselves and protect our space.
When two people get married, it’s vital to discuss your individual boundaries because they can often look very different, as in my case with my family of origin and my husband. What you may be comfortable with and your expectations can differ, so you’ll need to compromise. You might feel like you’re sacrificing something important. However, rethinking the situation to find a solution that respects both partners’ needs can be a helpful way to address differing boundaries.
For example, Jen has a close friend Katie, who she talks to nearly every day. Jen’s spouse, Dan, feels that Jen and Katie’s long, daily phone calls are encroaching on their time together as a couple. Jen values her long talks with Katie but recognizes that she has sometimes placed her relationship with Dan on the back burner. Jen will pause movies to take an incoming call, walk away from the dinner table to chat with Katie, and ignore Dan mid-conversation when she sees a text come through.
Jen realigns with Dan and makes some adjustments. She agrees to take phone calls only when she isn’t already spending time with Dan. Additionally, she lets Dan know in advance if she has a long phone call scheduled so he can make other plans.
Healthy boundaries, healthy marriage.
Boundaries in marriage foster trust, mutual understanding, and respect while promoting emotional well-being and affirming our partners’ values. They facilitate autonomy and encourage us to be healthy individuals, allowing for open communication and support from our partner. Boundaries define the delicate line between independence and co-dependency, between caring and controlling, and between making sacrifices and demanding. While boundaries aren’t always easy to set or maintain, boundaries shape the dynamics of our relationships and guide us toward a healthy connection.
It is okay to set boundaries around people who were once a priority in our lives, and if these people question our boundaries, remember that you are autonomous, your new spouse is your new family, and saying “no” can be healthy and a practice of self-respect.
Setting boundaries can be difficult if we were never taught how to set them in our lives before marriage. If you are experiencing difficulty setting boundaries or looking for tools and scripts to have conversations around boundaries, our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.