Holidays bring new experiences, sensory stimuli, and often a shift from routine. Whether you’re neurodivergent (some people refer to this as being neurospicy) or neurotypical, these abrupt changes to routine can feel overwhelming. If you’re part of a neurodiverse relationship, thoughtful holiday event planning events can foster plenty of comfort and reduce stress.
In this article, Grace Myhill helps neurodiverse couples prepare for the holiday season. With over two decades of experience as a coach and currently serving as the Director of Couples and Partners Services at the Association for Autism and Neurodiversity, Grace specializes in helping neurodiverse couples navigate unique relational challenges. She leads groups and workshops for partners in neurodiverse relationships and consults with professionals working with individuals on the spectrum. During this interview, we identify practical strategies to ease holiday stress and foster understanding between neurodiverse partners.
This article offers general strategies, but there are vast differences in sensitivities and processing differences for neurodiverse couples.
What are some of the unique stressors neurodivergent people face during holiday travel?
G: Travel is often an anxiety-provoking situation, not only on the day of but also leading up to the travel itself. The lead-up requires preparation time and the use of executive functioning skills. Think about packing: when should you start packing, and what do you need to bring? Imagine planning for a group of people: creating a schedule or a step-by-step plan to secure reservations. And then, consider how you’ll maintain emotion regulation and communicate when other people provide input on those plans that might not feel comfortable to you.
When it comes to the actual travel day, executive functioning skills are required again with a change in routine: you’ll likely be around more people, consume different food, eat at “off” times, be in other environments that you may not have a lot of control over, etc. All of these elements can add more strain and stress individually and within a relationship for neurodiverse couples.
It is necessary and constructive to have conversations ahead of time to set expectations and get on the same team about how you’ll approach the holiday season together. For instance, many couples use a social story to help project what to prepare for:
“When we get to my mom’s house, there will probably be 15 people, and five will be children under 5. There will be snacks that will include cheese, meats, and crackers. There will be drinks like sodas, lemonade, and beers. We’ll most likely spend the most time sitting and talking around the dining room table or in the living room. All of the family members catch up on each other’s lives, and they can talk to each other for the majority of the day.”
Discussing expectations and timing helps both partners decide what you each need to make the event feel comfortable and successful. It’s helpful to consider various sensory systems and explore how you might experience an event from an anxiety perspective. This will help create expectations and plan supportive accommodations together. Three areas you may want to think about include:
- Gustatory and olfactory: If the food options don’t align with one partner, they may want to bring their own food or snacks.
- Auditory: If things are boisterous or too loud, try noise-canceling earphones.
- Visual: If there are too many bright lights, wear sunglasses or take frequent breaks in a dimly lit space.
What are some strategies for neurodiverse couples to handle social introductions, like small talk or hugging, in a way that respects personal boundaries?
G: Once each person understands what may happen on the day of the event, it’s helpful to recognize any discomfort that might bubble up and create backup plans. For instance, one partner could turn to the other and say:
“I know being around 15 people may feel overwhelming, and there will be a lot of small talk, which can be exhausting. Please say hi to my mom and dad and talk with them for at least 10 minutes before excusing yourself to go outside and then find a quiet place to sit. Then maybe take 30 minutes and come check in on me. I might need a break and would like to join you.”
Alternatively, some people prefer to take on a defined role at an event to minimize small talk.
“When I get around a lot of people, I don’t enjoy small talk and prefer having something to do. I am going to ask your mom how I can help, like maybe asking everybody what they want to drink and getting it for them. Before we head over to your mom’s house, can you let your mom know that I’d like to help in that way?”
When someone on the autism spectrum doesn’t like to be hugged and is entering a situation where people are likely to approach them for hugs or kisses, there are several ways to navigate that scenario. For example, holding something in your arms—like a baby, package, or groceries—can be helpful, as most people tend to avoid hugging someone whose arms are full.
Another strategy to avoid physical or social touch is turning your body sideways so if someone goes in for the hug or the kiss they get your shoulder. From a couple’s perspective, you might inform your family in advance and advocate for your partner, letting them know that your partner prefers not to be hugged. It would be helpful if your family could assist in making your partner feel comfortable.
Social touch and hugging could be a significant, anxiety-provoking experience that could dysregulate your partner’s sensory system, so it’s essential to have the discussion and plan ahead of time.
How can couples plan ahead to make busy holiday gatherings more comfortable, like setting aside quiet time or creating a “break” plan?
G: Holidays, by definition, are not routine. Yet there is still a high need for at least some routine to ensure downtime or getting the necessary “breaks” to rejuvenate. Having a conversation and negotiating needs before going on holiday is essential. For instance, one partner might say:
“We’re going to your family’s house, and we’re going to stay there for 3 nights. I need to be able to run each day for approximately an hour. When is the best time for me to get a run in? I understand it might vary from one day to the next.”
Be sure to talk through the idea of alternative “breaks” in advance. If an event lasts for hours, it will be necessary for the person on the spectrum to get downtime and know the best way to handle the event’s duration. Find time to chat with your partner and brainstorm alternative, preplanned ideas such as:
- Taking the dog for a walk
- Play a video game
- Read for a set amount of time without interruptions from others
This pre-planned “plan” will make essential downtime more comfortable and clear for all involved.
If you and your partner have additional resources, consider staying at a nearby hotel instead of with family. A hotel room can be a quiet, more controllable respite. For instance, you or your partner can adjust the temperature and lighting and not worry that you have to engage with family and friends the moment you leave the room.
How can couples navigate differences in celebrating or not celebrating certain holidays?
G: In my experience with individuals on the spectrum, I have heard a recurring theme that many did not grow up with many holiday celebrations. Holidays weren’t a big deal, and sometimes birthdays were not really celebrated; special days like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day weren’t acknowledged.
Through my work, I’ve noticed that one partner may come from a family that does not emphasize holidays, while the other partner is accustomed to celebrating them. One important discussion about this is related to stimulation, such as noise, the number of people and interactions, traditions, etc. These areas and expectations need to be discussed. For the partner not used to much stimulation and interaction, there is also a worthwhile discussion around downtime: before, during, and after the event.
Faith: I have found couples also need to understand the purpose behind their family’s holidays and traditions. When each partner understands the meaning behind the events, it’s easier to collaborate, support, understand, and meet each person’s unique needs.
How can neurodiverse couples set realistic expectations around post-holiday recovery time to avoid miscommunication?
G: After an event, the neurodivergent partner will probably be exhausted. Therefore, the car ride home is not the time for a debrief. They will need time to recharge, and having a partner who understands that they may not engage or talk much about the event is normal; it relates more to energy usage than to the possibility that something is wrong.
It’s helpful for the couple to consider the energy restoration phase and to plan when to return home and reintegrate into a routine. For example, you may come home on a Saturday to have Sunday to transition before going to work on Monday. The amount of time needed to recover will vary from person to person and depend on the amount of required stimulation and interaction. It’s ideal to talk about this in advance so each partner understands and operates under similar expectations.
F: I find it helpful to create an agreed-upon plan for the partner who requires more downtime. This approach provides reassurance to their partner, as failing to communicate may leave them feeling isolated, abandoned, or anxious about whether something is wrong. A thoughtful way for the partner needing more downtime to engage before taking time to unwind is:
“I am feeling depleted after spending 3 days being very engaged. I will need the rest of the day to reset. However, before I unwind, I want you to know that I appreciate the planning we did beforehand. I felt supported by you when I took walks by myself to get some quiet time. I look forward to talking more about this and hearing your thoughts when I am more rested tomorrow.”
Preparation is the key for neurodiverse couples to have a harmonious holiday season.
The holidays can bring both joy and unique challenges, especially for neurodiverse couples who may have differing needs and sensitivities. By preparing in advance, you can create a supportive plan that respects boundaries and allows for enjoyable, low-stress holiday gatherings. From managing sensory sensitivities to setting clear expectations, practical strategies can help both partners feel more comfortable and connected during this busy season.
If you and your partner are looking for support in preparing for the holidays, reach out to our practice. We’re here to help you create a plan that meets your needs, allowing you to enjoy the season with more ease and connection. Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas.