When was the last time you looked at your wedding day photos? It’s truly a trip down memory lane — a moment to pause and remember where you started. These beautiful photos make two things very clear to me:
- We look like babies. Oh wow, we look so young.
- We had no idea what marriage was and what it would take to make it work.
This month, George and I celebrate 20 years of marriage. Early on, I’d sometimes wonder, “How can we keep doing this? We are so different.” And while we’re still different in many ways, now I say, “Well, we’re going to have to work through this — together.”
I view each anniversary as special as the first because it reminds me of what we’ve accomplished. Year after year, we’ve built a ritual of reflecting and adjusting to keep us focused on one another. Just because we hit 20 years doesn’t mean we’ve made it and can hit cruise control. Instead, each anniversary reminds us that we have managed to love each other for the past 365 days. We work together to have a healthy marriage, and that is worth celebrating.
What’s your relationship’s purpose?
Your wedding anniversary is more than a date — it’s a chance to reconnect with your partner and reflect on what your marriage means today.
If you attend one of our in-person or virtual couples workshops, you’ll hear George and me talk about Viktor Frankl. He was an Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist, philosopher, and Holocaust survivor, known for his bestseller book, “Man’s Search for Meaning.” Frankl’s work illustrates that purpose makes a tremendous difference in our lives. Purpose influences our motivation and can help us endure some of the most difficult experiences.
When was the last time you and your partner discussed your relationship’s purpose?
As you reflect, what is your purpose for finding someone to share your life with? Maybe you intuitively know that life is full of challenges, and while tough, there is comfort in knowing you don’t have to endure your hardships alone.
When it comes to being in a long-term, committed relationship, it is guaranteed that you and your partner will endure hardship. If you lack meaning in why you are together and what you are striving for, it will make it much more difficult to get through the hardship together. However, if you are mindful of your purpose of being together, you are more likely to be prepared when tough times happen.
Your purpose provides a life preserver for hardship and helps deepen your relationship.
The relationship my husband and I have built is far from perfect, but it’s ours. This acknowledgment from us, two couples therapists, has never been more critical. We’ve put in the work and will continue to do so, because each year we reflect on our purpose of being together and doing life side by side. Along the way, we’ve leaned into a few yearly anniversary questions that help us reflect and adjust.
Use these 6 questions to reconnect with your partner
Your relationship deserves attention and pause — use your anniversary as an opportunity to reflect on the purpose of your relationship and who you’re becoming, as individuals and as a couple.
These anniversary questions can help you and your partner:
- Explore where your relationship needs some attention
- Discuss your strength and resiliency as a couple
- Foster gratitude for all the hard things you’ve handled together
How to use these questions as a ritual
Start by carving out distraction-free time — after work, once the kids are in bed, and with phones turned off. Download our free Anniversary Questions Worksheet (PDF) to guide your conversation.
Spend 10 quiet minutes reviewing the questions on your own. Jot down notes or simply reflect. Then, take turns sharing your answers. Be present with one another. Let the questions guide you into deeper conversation.
The 6 anniversary questions
1. How have we changed this year?
2. What obstacles have we gone through individually, and how has our relationship weathered them?
3. What hardships have happened in our relationship? Did we resolve them? Or are there things we still need to work through?
4. What turns me on about you after all these years together?
5. What do we want to accomplish individually this next year? And as a couple?
6. What three things do I appreciate about you?
As you reflect, notice any emotions or physical sensations that arise. Share those with your partner. Ask them what they’re feeling, too. If any questions feel hard to answer — that’s okay. It’s a sign of something worth exploring, not avoiding.
If you find yourself stuck, it may be a good time to consider seeking support from a therapist. These questions are tools, and therapy can help you use them more deeply.
When to consider couples therapy
It’s common for couples to get to a point in their relationship and wonder how they got there; it’s like driving to work on autopilot. Life moves fast, and focus shifts to careers, kids, or other pressures. But without shared purpose, relationships can start to feel disconnected — even lonely.
That’s when marriage counseling can be a huge help.
A licensed couples therapist can help you rediscover why you chose each other in the first place — and how to strengthen your bond. Our expert therapists are ready to help you and your partner reconnect and move forward with intention.