You packed the car to the brim with bedding, clothes, lamps, toiletries, and an industrial-sized case of Cup Noodles. You’ve walked the neighborhood and helped unpack overstuffed boxes and bags. You’ve met the roommate and given 43 hugs. Your child is now out of your house — you are officially an empty nester.
Empty nest transitions can feel complex whether you just helped your child move into their freshman dorm or your now-adult child moved out on their own. If you recently became an empty nester, this article is for you. We’re diving into empty nester syndrome, how it can impact your relationship, and the questions you should ask your partner to live life together as free birds.
What is empty nester syndrome?
While not a clinical diagnosis, empty nester syndrome is a real phenomenon that can affect parents when their last or only child officially leaves home. When your last child leaves home (or launches), it signals a significant change. It’s the end of a huge phase of your life: raising children. And when a chapter ends, and a new one begins, it can feel like a loss, especially during the first few months of your child leaving home.
You may experience all sorts of feelings as an empty nester, like:
- Grief
- Lack of purpose
- Lost and lacking direction
- Void
- Relief
- Anxiety
- Depression
For many years, your child has been the organizing principle of your home, the structure of your everyday life. When your kid launches, the immediate quiet can be jarring to you and your relationship.
How empty nest syndrome can affect a couple
Many couples spend years intensely focused on raising their children and investing in their careers and little time nurturing their relationship with their spouse or partner. Couples who have felt disconnected but connected around their child may feel a greater sense of loss, and conflict may increase. Once a child leaves home, couples are left face-to-face with themselves, their disconnection, and any unresolved problems.
Imagine an empty nester couple where one partner wants a future filled with travel and adventure, while the other looks forward to developing closer-to-home routines, like joining the local pickleball club. They’ve spent years focused on raising and investing all of their energy in their children, but now that the kids are gone, their differing visions are causing tension. They feel disconnected and unsure how to bridge the gap between their conflicting desires, leaving them struggling to “get on the same page” and rediscover common ground and shared interests.
Whether it’s a difference in how you want to spend your time together or a feeling of disconnection and uncertainty about rebuilding your relationship, this is more common than you might think. Many empty nester couples ask themselves and each other, what’s next?
You’ve launched your kids—what’s next for your relationship?
Now is a great time to ask your partner a few questions and reflect on the relationship you’d like to have. Take the time to discuss with your partner what will need to happen to achieve that relationship.
Questions to ask when you and your partner become empty nesters:
- Who are we as a couple?
- What is the purpose of our relationship?
- What do we like individually?
- What do we like as a couple?
- Do I feel connected or disconnected from my partner?
- What problems have we avoided for years that are coming to the surface now?
- Can we navigate these problems together?
Therapy can help empty nesters feel like free birds.
It’s common for couples to reach a point in their relationship and wonder how they got there. Understandably, raising children can demand a lot of your attention, which shifts other priorities. However, there are risks to not giving time and attention to your relationship for an extended time. This lack of connection can increase feelings of disconnect and, over time, disconnect can feel unbearably lonely.
If you could use help clarifying what’s next for your relationship now that your kids have left for college, a licensed couples therapist can help. Our therapists are experienced in supporting empty nest couples. We’re ready to help you and your partner create a clear and concrete map, so you have something to work towards purposefully together.
Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.