Do you remember the last time you had an argument with your partner? Did you feel lit up, frustrated, or even out of control? When we experience anger during a conflict with our partner, it’s important to recognize that anger is often a secondary emotion, meaning that it’s fueled by other emotions such as depression, hopelessness, or even fear. For couples where one or both partners have ADHD, fights can be especially tricky. The anger of not being able to understand one another’s vantage points, hitting rejection sensitivity, and escalating conflict can make talking through arguments labor-intensive or even sweeping arguments under the rug.

Over time, if words and actions don’t align, if conflict becomes constant, or if it doesn’t lead to productive conversations, then the couple can become stuck and frustrated. This is especially true for couples where one or both partners have ADHD.

How can ADHD affect a relationship? 

In a webinar conducted by ADDitude, an ADHD magazine and resource, a poll found that communication, emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, and listening skills were the top four challenges in ADHD relationships. While these challenges may arise in any relationship, certain distinct characteristics may be present in a relationship in which one or both partners have ADHD.

Some common indicators that ADHD is impacting your relationship may include:

• Parent-child dynamic: Instead of treating each other as equals, one partner, typically the non-ADHD partner, assumes control, while the ADHD partner loses authority in the relationship.
• Unbalanced division of labor: The non-ADHD partner takes on executive functioning tasks (i.e., planning, organizing, reminding, etc.) while the ADHD partner is told what to execute. 
• Poor time management: The non-ADHD spouse must remind the ADHD partner of deadlines, events, or commitments, or the ADHD partner is late to or for things. 
• Broken promises: The ADHD spouse often intends to complete a task or chore but may forget. The lack of consistency and variability causes distrust and broken promises to seep into the couple’s relationship. Similarly, the ADHD spouse may declare their intention to stop a particular behavior or habit or to try to adopt a healthier habit such as dieting, spending responsibly, or exercising but then fail to follow through. 
• Feeling alone: The non-ADHD partner may feel unimportant or that the ADHD spouse is not paying attention to them. This may be coupled with or separate from the feeling that the non-ADHD spouse is carrying the load of the relationship or “doing it all.”

At the same time, every relationship, including a neurodivergent one, is unique. It can also be helpful to remember that neurodivergence is only one aspect of your relationship. The way that neurodivergent people view the world compared to neurotypical can be an asset when it comes to impulse in crises, coming up with concrete solutions, and being able to make explicit decisions or set boundaries in a world of grey. 

How can couples with ADHD address and manage anger? 

If ADHD has been negatively impacting your marriage, what should you do? First and foremost, it is helpful to remember that ADHD is separate from your spouse. Since ADHD impacts both partners, you and your spouse must work together as a team to find productive ways to address conflict. You must identify what you need to work on instead of getting into a cycle of blaming each other. 

We’ve worked with many couples with ADHD who struggle with what we like to call “fighting well.” The Couple’s Guide to Thriving with ADHD by Melissa Orlov and Nancie Kohlenberger LMFT is particularly great for those trying to manage their anger and attend to the root of the problem or issue. There are ways to fight well instead of exploding. Let’s explore those strategies using Orlov and Kohlenberger’s best practices. 

5 strategies that help ADHD couples “fight well” 

Now that we have considered the couple’s cycle in conflict, let’s move to the practical. There are ways to take your arguments from high conflict to being more approachable. 

1. Use a pause and a verbal cue to stop an argument from escalating out of control. 

Some couples start a conversation that escalates into a conflict, leading to one or both parties becoming emotionally flooded. In other words, one or both parties reach a fight-or-flight state as their bodies perceive a possible threat. The couple can stop the conversation from escalating by noticing or sharing when they’re feeling flooded or emotionally overwhelmed. 

It can also be helpful for you and your partner to use a verbal cue. A verbal cue is particularly helpful when the couple falls into a repetitive problem or argument. A possible verbal cue could be “flamingo”, “pause the train”, or “rutabaga.” You two can work together to define and execute the verbal cue; consider the verbal cue to be something that does not usually come up in conversations. The verbal cue includes subsequent actions such as taking a break from the conversation, deciding who will reach out after the break, clarifying the meaning behind the verbal cue, and planning how you will come back together after the conflict is paused. 

By pausing the conversation, both you and your partner can get out of a flooded state and self-regulate to be in a better headspace for the conversation to resume later. If conversations escalate, you can say or do things that one or both of you may regret. Resorting to name-calling or verbal, physical, or psychological abuse should always be avoided. Ultimately, the verbal cue and pause keep the conversation under control and protect both of you. 

2. Foster more positives in the day-to-day.

The Gottman Institute has a phrase called “Small Things Often”— intentionally incorporating small positive acts into day-to-day life. Some small positives may include scheduling time together after your children have gone to bed, incorporating a no-complaints rule for 5 minutes after getting home from work, having cuddle time, saying I love you daily, or planning a surprise date night. The goal is to build more positives into the relationship, which can heal and reignite your flame with your partner. Small Things Often can give your relationship attention and help you practice skills outside conflict, like communication and listening. 

3. Apologize and take ownership.

The Gottman Institute identifies four destructive communication patterns (four horsemen) that lead to a relationship’s demise: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. These horsemen are particularly problematic when couples see them becoming a regular component of conflict. Remember: When you give criticism, it’s common for your partner to respond defensively. Instead of defaulting to criticism, one partner can positively express their needs using “I” statements, while the other takes responsibility for their part in the problem.

In conflict, each partner needs to share their perspective and feel heard by their partner. It is also crucial that each partner apologizes and takes ownership of what contributed to the problem. The Gottman Institute outlines a template for this in the Aftermath of a Fight page here. The template can be helpful for couples to have a directive to follow instead of one partner becoming the parent and directing the conversation; it fosters peer-to-peer communication.

4. Rewriting internal stories by giving the benefit of the doubt.

Your and your partner’s narrative of each other is probably very predictable. If you and your partner are committed to “fighting well,” then you’re on your way to changing the relationship simply by working on yourself and holding yourself accountable. When you look for and celebrate positive change, you can rewrite the internal dialogue or negative sentiment override. 

Rewriting internal stories does not mean blindly trusting your partner to do things differently. However, it does mean noticing the attempts that each partner is making to help improve your relationship. Small positive gestures help build up the couple’s love bank so that when there are broken promises, unmet needs, or times of not being heard, the couple can give each other the benefit of the doubt. 

5. Set yourself up for success.

You and your partner can “fight better” with the right environment. Remember to make eye contact when sharing, avoid difficult discussions late at night, try to be in the same room when discussing important matters, and summarize back to your partner what you heard. When you summarize, you can minimize miscommunication and address any misunderstandings in real-time.

Your goal is to manage the ADHD dynamics in your relationship, not have ADHD non-existent in your marriage. One or both of you will always have ADHD, which means the dynamics need to be managed, not fixed. 

 

Could you use some help navigating ADHD in your relationship? 

Both partners can improve their relationship by seeing each other as allies and accepting ADHD instead of comparing their relationship to others. Remember, you both fell in love with your best selves, and bringing that to the table means looking at what you need to work on, not just your partner changing! 

If you are not feeling equipped to work on the anger and conflict cycle with your partner, consider reaching out to someone at Connect Couples Therapy for couples or individual therapy. We have couples who specialize in working with neurodiverse populations. Our team is also equipped to help couples process their conflicts at the cyclic and concrete levels. Our practice offers in-person appointments in Charlotte, NC, and Carefree, AZ. We also have virtual sessions available for those who live in Arizona, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, or Texas. Contact us to get started.