Last Updated on January 22, 2025
When couples are evaluating the future of their relationship, it can be challenging to decide what to tell their children. Some couples tell their children that they are in therapy, while others prefer to keep it private to avoid instilling fear about the possibility of their relationship ending. But what if the couple decides to divorce? What do the parents tell their children?
As parents navigate discernment counseling, it can be helpful to consider the impact on the family unit and whether the couple is remaining married for their children. Once there is clarity on the next steps of the marriage, there is a trickle-down effect on the whole family unit. With the support of a play therapist, this blog post considers how to approach one’s child when separation and divorce are involved.
We sat down with Ava Szafranski, a clinician at Davidson Family Therapy in Davidson, North Carolina, to talk about how to best support children of parents going through divorce. Ava is fully licensed as an LCMHC (Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor) and an RPT (Registered Play Therapist). She loves providing play therapy to children ages 3-10, talk therapy to teens, and parenting support to their families.
What is play therapy, and why is it so helpful for children?
Play therapy is the most research-supported therapeutic intervention for ages 3-10. Developmentally speaking, children are unable to sit on the therapist’s couch and talk about their day, worries, feelings, and life challenges, but they do communicate, process, and learn skills through play. It’s worth noting that some of my 8-10-year-olds like to do talk therapy in spurts, which is great too!
I start most sessions with a new client using Child Centered Play Therapy (CCPT), which involves the child entering a room full of carefully selected therapeutic toys and playing as they see fit. Through their play, children show me about peers at school who are bullying them, their dog who passed away last year, the times they feel nervous on the bus ride to school, and general thoughts and feelings about their world. Play is a magical processing tool!
A play therapist is trained to use skills parallel to talk therapy to aid the child in processing their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, such as tracking, reflective listening, reflection on feelings, and esteem-building statements. After a therapeutic relationship has been developed, I will incorporate more directive play therapy techniques to specifically target the goals for our work together. These techniques may include play-based games to identify the child’s coping skills, big feelings, tools for emotional regulation, psychoeducation about feelings, and more!
Should parents talk to their children about their divorce and life transitions?
The short answer is yes! Children are highly intuitive. Even when parents have opted not to tell their children about an upcoming separation or divorce, children sense the disruption at home. For some, “not knowing is the devil’s playground,” where kids might assume the worst (e.g., that a parent is sick or something even bigger and scarier than a divorce is happening behind the scenes).
A few helpful tips for divorcing parents include:
- Use age-appropriate language with your kids when talking about the upcoming transition.
- Reassure your children that they are not to blame for the separation
- Keep the schedule and routine as consistent as possible; children thrive on structure and predictability, especially during times of transition!
Dr. Becky Kennedy spoke on a podcast about the importance of truth over comfort when you have hard conversations with your children. Kennedy also writes that it is helpful for kids to hear real words to solidify their experiences rather than leave them unformulated in their heads. As you go through the divorce process, be honest, as there may be conversations you have to revisit. Hard conversations are not easy, and it is okay for discussions to be ongoing.
Some possible phrasing to foster open conversation and also reassure your children may include:
- “When we talked yesterday, I mentioned that Dad was moving out, but I did not give you any context. I wish I had made it into a conversation and been able to share with you what to anticipate.”
- “This is such a surprise to all of us. Mom and Dad did not anticipate getting divorced, but we believe it’s best for our family right now. This was a decision that Mom and Dad made and was not something that you caused or influenced.”
- “Yes, you see Mommy crying. I am sad because of the divorce’s impact on our family. We are safe, and I am sad. Both are true.”
- “I want to be able to answer any questions that you have about the separation and divorce. If you are not ready to talk about it, that is okay. I want you to know I’m willing to have the conversation when you want to.”
What are the benefits for children in play therapy if parents divorce?
Children whose parents are divorcing or have divorced can benefit from a safe, neutral space to process any big thoughts and feelings related to the separation. Therapy for kids can be especially helpful if the child is showing symptoms of anxiety, intense sadness, irritability, nightmares, behavioral regression, or big feelings in general related to the divorce.
There are also different levels of care for children as the divorce process unfolds. It can be helpful to check in with your child’s play therapist to explore the best level of care and possible local resources if needed.
Divorce is a grieving process for the whole family. How can parents support their child’s grief process through play therapy?
Every divorce and life transition is unique for each family. If you are open to your child receiving therapy services, this can help support the transition. Once your child is in therapy, follow your child’s therapist’s lead about helpful language to use at home, resources, and how to approach the subject with your kiddos! Or, in your processing with your couple’s therapist about co-parenting, you may discuss strategies like birdnesting with your partner to minimize change in the home environment and give the child stability.
What resources do you recommend to divorcing parents to support their children?
There are several great resources! There are a couple of books about divorce and life changes for kids. One of my favorites is When Dinosaurs Divorce, and the other is The Invisible String. A great resource for parents is the Dos and Don’ts of Divorce. This resource gives helpful insight into protecting your child as you and your spouse go through divorce.
Thank you, Ava, for your insights into play therapy and supporting children when divorce impacts the family unit.
If you or your partner live in Charlotte, NC, contact Connect Couples Therapy to get started. Connect Couples has clinicians specifically trained to work with couples who are considering discernment, separation, divorce, or working to co-parent. Ava has a wealth of knowledge and can help your child cope and understand the transition of divorce in your family. You can also contact her to get started.